Ex and his new gf sleep in same bed as DS!!

[FumingMamma]

Hi all,

I posted here before about my ex having a new gf but still hasn't told me about her. He split 2 years ago and it was my decision and we have a 4 year old son that he has every other weekend.

I've just found out that not only has he still not mentioned her to me but my son has in fact met her several times and they all sleep in daddy's bed.

AIBU to be absolutely livid???

He has no respect for me to give me a heads up and say by the way I have a new gf and I'd like to introduce them. He's left our 4 year old tell me.

I don't know this woman, all I know is that she's about 21 years old and lives with her parents.

Before anyone says anything I completely understand he has a new gf, that's fine he was extremely abusive to me during our relationship so she is welcome to him, but after a while I thought he might have told me in case I found out elsewhere?
And he definitely should have told me before introducing my son to her, let alone have them all sleep in the same bed.

What should i do?? I've told him to come over tomorrow night to discuss something important but he doesn't know what, or rather he doesn't know that I know.

[FumingMamma]

@Herland I think I should point out that he didn't hit me or beat me, he was sexually abusive. After I miscarried when DS was about 6 months old I went off sex and after a month or so he got very frustrated and would just.. do it anyway. Lasted for about 2 years until I'd had enough and threw him out. I haven't really told many people and told him I didn't want our son to know such a thing. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right. I have no idea. Im just trying to do what's best for my son.

[LemonTT]

The best thing to do is to calm down and look at this objectively. There are risks associated with the idea of your child being with a stranger to you and sleeping in their bed. However your ex, his father was there and the GF may not be a stranger to your ex or to your child. The sleeping in the bed could be nothing more than him jumping in with them because they have a big tv or PlayStation. You don’t think he was upset or scared by the experience. Although he may have been upset by your reaction, to run out of the room.

Politely ask your ex what happened but bear in mind he is under no obligation to explain himself to you. And, if you do this try to think about the negativity you are expressing about this woman. It’s all about her on this post not your ex. It’s obvious you have an issue with her. She hasn’t done anything wrong to you that you know of.

[Armadillostoes]

Would all of the people who think this is fine be equally relaxed if a strange man was in bed with a four year old?

[Herland]

I'm so sorry he did that to you. I suppose then you need to ask yourself do you think he would re offend with his new girlfriend and take it from there.

[Cbatothinkofaname]

Yes, you need to decide whether to act on the abusive behaviour you experienced. I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue tbh OP

[Herland]

I'm also now feeling incredibly sorry for the girl who has found herself in a relationship with this vile man.

[RomanyQueen1]

tell the gf what he's like then your ds doesn't have to sleep with randoms.

[Soontobe60]

The OP has not said how long they have been together, just that she knew about the GF but was waiting for ex to tell her. Neither did she say they slept in the same bed, just that they were all in bed together this morning.
OP, how long do you think they have been together?
Would you object less if they had all got up, gone downstairs in their pjs and snuggled up on the sofa?
As much as you'd like to, you actually have no right to know what your ex is up to. You have no right to meet his gfs, no right to say who sleeps in which bed. I have been in your position and know just how angry it made me, but that's because I was powerless over my DD and what she did at her dads.
Challenging him over this is not going to go well. Instead, next time you see him, just tell him you know about his gf as your DS told you, as well as the being in bed with the gf.

[HDG1234]

Speaking as a former family lawyer he absolutely should have discussed with you before he introduced a new girlfriend to your son. Ultimately it’s unlikely you could have stopped him but there is a huge difference between the introduction of a constant series of short term girlfriends, and someone who is going to be long term and with whom your son will have a long term relationship. When you have your chat you should set out the ground rules, which will apply to both of you, regarding the introduction of new partners

[IrisAtwood]

You have never met this woman. You know (almost) nothing about her and your abusive ex expects your four year old to sleep in the same bed? Absolutely not! He visits but does not sleep overnight until a better arrangement is organised.

[Aldidl]

How do you know they’re all sleeping together? Just because he got in bed in the morning doesn’t mean it’s all night, every night.

After two years of separation it’s likely that routines at your house and his DFs house are very different. Jumping into/onto dad’s bed in the morning might be his thing at his DFs house.

[TheFastandCurious]

@foxmuffin

I wasn’t suggesting step mums start dictating at all. (This isn’t a step parent anyway) But an adult removing themselves from a situation they find uncomfortable isn’t dictating anything surely? If a new partners child got in bed with me and I found it inappropriate I’d just get out. I would find it more controlling if I was made to stay because ‘that’s how it should be’.

She’s 21 and with a new boyfriend. Laying in bed with his kid should feel weird to her.

[ittakes2]

I think if your child is going to sleep in a bed with someone else you have a right to know. Would people feel differently if it was your 4 year old daughter sleeping with a man you did not know?

[TheFastandCurious]

When I met my DH I would’t dream of letting him bath the child I’d had with previous DH or sleeping in the same bed. Obviously I trusted him otherwise I wouldn’t have brought him into my child’s life or married him. But that level of closeness was reserved for his father and me.

I think that’s the norm for most people and alarm bells naturally ring when lines like that are crossed.

You need to be very careful how you word it though OP. Using words like ‘respect’ when that’s not something you are entitled to could make him shut down.

It may be an idea to ask how he’d feel if a new boyfriend bathed or slept in the same bed as his son and go from there.

[jay55]

I don't understand how the new girlfriend is okay with it. I honestly don't know anyone who would be okay sharing a bed with their new partners kid.
It is weird.

[Ghanagirl]

@Herland
OP’s ex partner didn’t respect her sexual boundaries so is it still fine for 4 year old to share bed with his DD and a relatively new sexual partner.

[Ghanagirl]

@HDG1234
Agree completely.

[Foxmuffin]

@ParrotWithACarrot

My partner would have been upset that I was rejecting his son and that would have concerned him.

Don’t underestimate the need to tread extremely carefully when entering a relationship with someone with a child. My DH was incredibly protective and I had to be so careful not to come across as being critical.

That might not be the case here. But I feel sorry for this woman who’s being criticised. The father should be taking the lead and held accountable.

Back to op this was always going to be an issue when your ex met someone new. If you’re genuinely concerned and not just put out that he’s met someone new should you not be addressing this through the proper means ie social services. If he doesn’t recognise he’s abusive how else would it resolve?

[Armadillostoes]

Foxmuffin-any adult who gets intimately involved with a child (and sharing a bed, even if only for a morning snuggle is intimate) should expect to be accountable. Of course the father is responsible, but so is the GF. She is an adult with agency and choice.

[PinkGlitter123]

I wouldn't be happy with not being told about the girlfriend and especially about sharing a bed.
You are the mother and should be aware of who your son is mixing with, its common courtesy to let the ex know when you have a new partner and kids are involved.
I know a few new 'step parents' who like to do the whole bed sharing thing and its all a bit cringe. Don't think its appropriate at such an early stage.

[Herland]

@Ghanagirl

Neither you or I knew that the is ex was sexually abusive until after I asked her about the abusive aspect of the relationship. My concerns are not about this poor young woman who had found herself in a relationship with a sex offender sharing a bed with a child but the actual sex offender sharing a bed with the child.

The 21 year old girl is really not the problem here.

[SpinneyHill]

I thought he might have told me in case I found out elsewhere?
Why? He knew your son would mention where he's been and he's abused you.
I've told him to come over tomorrow night to discuss something important but he doesn't know what, or rather he doesn't know that I know.
You want to talk to him about his sleeping in a bed ? his GF? DS being in his bed? and it's important?
Why is his private bedroom stuff important enough to have a bloody meeting about?, it's a bit weird and very difficult to play the reasonable ex halfway through this conversation. I know because I've been there.
What do you know?
Men sleep in the bed with their GFs, your son stays with him EOW with your consent and you knew about her despite the 'He doesn't know that I know' stuff. Of course he knew DS would pass it on to you, he knows you know but so what? It likely matters more to you then them

If she was reading DS stories in his bed at his dads, Dad joins them and they both all fall asleep for a bit is that an issue? What if she's hugging DS?

Unless you truly believe he is at risk of harm from being there you have no say in what happens when he is with his dad no matter how totally immoral it seems to you .

YANBU to be pissed off, but remember you will be on the receiving end of this 'My son and your new life' jealousy soon enough. Don't storm in full of righteous indignant fury and flounder halfway when you realise it's jealousy like I did. I'm still cringing

[Herland]

It has occured to me that he didn't tell you about the gf because he is worried that you will warn/tell her about the sexual abuse.

I would.

[Cel982]

Would all of the people who think this is fine be equally relaxed if a strange man was in bed with a four year old?

Regardless of the specifics of the OP's situation, this is such a disingenuous argument. The statistical risk posed to a small child by the male partner of their mother is exponentially higher than that posed by the female partner of their father. It's not at all the same thing.

[ScreamScreamIceCream]

OP you haven't you asked your son whether daddies's new girlfriend is nice to him, so it makes me believe this is all about your jealousy.