Ex and his new gf sleep in same bed as DS!!

[FumingMamma]

Hi all,

I posted here before about my ex having a new gf but still hasn't told me about her. He split 2 years ago and it was my decision and we have a 4 year old son that he has every other weekend.

I've just found out that not only has he still not mentioned her to me but my son has in fact met her several times and they all sleep in daddy's bed.

AIBU to be absolutely livid???

He has no respect for me to give me a heads up and say by the way I have a new gf and I'd like to introduce them. He's left our 4 year old tell me.

I don't know this woman, all I know is that she's about 21 years old and lives with her parents.

Before anyone says anything I completely understand he has a new gf, that's fine he was extremely abusive to me during our relationship so she is welcome to him, but after a while I thought he might have told me in case I found out elsewhere?
And he definitely should have told me before introducing my son to her, let alone have them all sleep in the same bed.

What should i do?? I've told him to come over tomorrow night to discuss something important but he doesn't know what, or rather he doesn't know that I know.

[FumingMamma]

My son is my one and only concern in all of this. I don't want to ask him questions about it because I don't want to interrogate him or make him uncomfortable, he mentioned her name this morning and said she's at daddy's house all the time and they were all in bed this morning. I only asked him if they do that often and he said yes. I had to stick a movie on and go make myself a cuppa to calm down and process what he just said!
Obviously as tempting as it is to ask him a million questions I'd never do it. My parents split when I was 10 and basically used me as a pawn in their divorce, and still try 20 years on. I'd never want my son to feel that way which is why even after all the abuse I went through with his dad I still maintain that "daddy and I are best friends" and will invite him in when he picks my son up etc to show him that we like eachother. It's important that he has parents that get on well.

Which is why I'm also now so pissed off. I always try and give him respect and will often call him just so he can speak to DS, or ask if he'd like to pick him up from school or take him out for tea. And this feels like such a slap in the face, I feel like I'm just one big joke to him.

I want to confront him in a stern but calm way, just not sure how to come about it. At the end of the day, it's now become my business because he's involving my child heavily without me knowing, like it's this big secret being kept from me.

[bluedinosaurroars]

In what world would any parent be happy with their child sharing a bed with a total stranger. It's weird.

She's not a "step mum", she's clearly a girlfriend of a few months. Really different and really bloody weird.

[SpinneyHill]

I don't know this person yet she's sharing a bed with my son??

Look at that sentence. Does that look ok? Your 4 year old son doesn't know 'the bed' is a special place that he is only allowed in once Mummy has given the ok, to him it's just a bed.

The bed isn't a special place to kids, you are associating something else with this woman being in bed with both of them. What if he fell asleep on her lap or in her arms and she let him sleep would that be as big an issue?

FWIW I was in your shoes at Xmas and mine spend time in their bed in the morning watching films etc , it hurts to feel another woman is being 'the woman' in their life,but to quote Pulp Fiction 'That's pride fucking with you'.

Unless you suspect sexual abuse is taking place (which would include the adults being too friendly with each other) you need to get over the significance of 'The Bed'. It's an adult association

[Armadillostoes]

YANBU-The issue here is that a young child is sharing a bed with an adult stranger. It is not safe or appropriate. It is also a major red-flag that the adult in question would realise it is, a best, foolish. What kind of an adult sleeps in the same bed as a four year old, in the absence of a close and long-standing connection?

[Foxmuffin]

The reality is your son will be getting in to snuggle with his father and the GF will be over the otherside having no contact with your son.

I have a step child and he used to climb into our bed in the night/early morning. I never really had direct contact with him (a superking bed helped). Everyone was clothed. I asked my DH how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he said he’d expect it. DSS just climbs into bed.

FYI I would rather a small child didn’t climb into bed and left me to my peaceful slumber but that’s life when you meet someone with a child. Or have your own children!

[Herland]

You don't need to interrogate your child but if your concern is primarily about him surely you need to understand how it has affected him. He might love it. He might be delighted to have a nice woman to give him cuddles. And if he was would you still feel so angry. If the answer is yes then perhaps this is more about your feelings than his.

I would also encourage you to keep chatting to your son about his time at dads. For this reason- you said your husband was extremely abusive towards you and that new gf is welcome to him. She is very young and of your ex continues his abusive ways I would want to know if my child was witnessing it.

[SpinneyHill]

I also wasn't told until he had moved in with her and the boys had stayed over several times, I was told by my 5yr old who mentioned her nightie and toe nail polish so I do know how shit you are feeling IT WILL PASS and you will feel more rational. Keep level headed

[Ghanagirl]

@Herland
You’d honestly be happy with your 4year old sleeping in same bed as someone they barely know and you’ve never met.

[Mememeplease]

It could be that he just climbed in with them in the morning?

[FumingMamma]

My son is more of a 'get up and go'

[FumingMamma]

*type so once he's awake he wants to go downstairs. It could be different at his dad's but that's what he's like with me.

[FumingMamma]

@SpinneyHill That is a good point about the bed, however his father knows what happens in that bed and, not that I'm seeing anyone, but if I had a man in my bed and my son came in I'd feel uncomfortable bringing him in too. Maybe that's just me.

[Cbatothinkofaname]

If he just got in the bed in the morning, how is that massively different from snuggling on the sofa in their pjs? Serious question. Because a 4 year old really won’t see those things as massively different.

If he’s actually co sleeping then that’s different, but that would seem unlikely if he has his own bed at his dads and at yours

[Herland]

@Ghana if you read my posts you'd see that I wouldn't be happy about it. But I trust my kid's dad to make sound parenting decisions. I doubt that he would allow my children to meet anyone that he wasn't absolutely certain about.

I also don't associate bed automatically with sex or anything untoward. If everyone is fully dressed then it really is no different to snuggling up on a couch and falling asleep in front of the telly.

[SoHotADragonRetired]

If he said they were "all in bed this morning", I think the likelihood is that he was in there for a morning cuddle rather than cosleeping, unless you know he doesn't actually have a bed at his father's? I doubt his dad wants his 4yo son in bed with his new GF or that the 21yo GF is dying to share a bed with the 4yo.

And adults don't abuse or get inappropriate with children because they share a bed, especially when the child's biological parent is right there. Adults abuse children because they choose to abuse children and the sleeping arrangements are irrelevant. I doubt a court would support the OP if she used this as a basis to refuse or reduce contact, even if they are cosleeping.

[Herland]

Like I said. My main concern in ops situation would not be that my child has slept beside a different woman but that my child might witness the same extreme abuse that was present in their relationship. Something that not one of the posters who are clutching their pearls at sharing a bed seem to give a shit about.

[whocaresalot]

YANBU at all and I don’t know why the general consensus is YABU. As a PP said, if it was a little girl sharing a bed with mums new boyfriend the reaction would be vastly different!

[Skittlesandbeer]

If I were you, I’d open the ‘serious talk’ by saying you had a new boyfriend and wanted to do the right thing by him (your ex) by bringing him up to speed. Say you were thinking it was ‘only right’ that he (ex) be informed, given that co-sleeping with DS might happen, as well as outings and time spent playing, eating and generally hanging out with the new boyfriend. Frankly, I’d sit quietly and let him do his nut. For quite a while.

Then tell him he’s quite the hypocrite. And that he’s set the tone for the future.

I know, I’m being childish. Still I’d be very very tempted. His reaction would likely be priceless (and he may even learn something).

[TheFastandCurious]

I find it weird that the girlfriend was ok with this tbh. If I was laying in bed with a new partner with a DC and the child got in bed with us I’d get out. Same as if I were in the shower or bath and their DC came in.

People should have boundaries and not leave it up to a child to decide what those boundaries should be.

[Foxmuffin]

Agree with Herland. Dad being abusive should be OPs primary concern but this seems to have shifted to bed sharing.

[Cbatothinkofaname]

Yeah herland, because posters who respond to the actual question the OP asked, automatically don’t give a shit about another aspect of the OPs relationship with her former partner

The OP said her relationship with her ex is now amicable. There is no suggestion that he is being abusive to his new partner, and he has access to having his son overnight. Therefore while of course many of us would be massively concerned if the OP was posting that she thought there is abusive behaviours going on, she didn’t, so we haven’t

[Foxmuffin]

@ParrotWithACarrot

You’ll find most step mums (or gfs of dads) don’t enjoy sharing a bed and DO find it weird. But actually the dads are precious about not excluding their children. It’s not for the GF to enter their lives and start telling the fathers how to parent. It has to be dad that leads this and makes the choices. Imagine a thread on here “My new GF is telling me how to raise my son”

I didn’t feel comfortable bed sharing in the early days and as DSS as got older it has got less appropriate so we don’t now. DH goes into his bed if he wants a cuddle. But it’s a bloody awkward situation when you’re in the early stages (I didn’t meet DSS until we’d been together 6 months and was longer before I stopped over at the same time) and you’re finding your feet anyway.

[Herland]

If people were really concerned about the child they would be concerned about the potential witnessing of abuse as it is ACTUALLY more likely given historical behaviour than any damage to a child sleeping with his dad and his gf.

There is NO indication that dad or the girlfriend have ever sexually abused a child before. There is an indication that the dad is an abusive partner.

[Herland]

I do get that you're struggling with this op. I would too. But please don't go in all guns blazing with your ex (particularly because of past abuse) and please make sure that if you do decide to talk to him about it, you are safe and your son is elsewhere. Good luck.

[Cbatothinkofaname]

OP I would take it as positive signs that your ds is comfortable to get in the bed and also to mention it in conversation with you. It’s not like his dad has made him feel it’s something to be hidden from you. I get that you’re feeling perhaps displaced and uncomfortable but the reality is that if your ds is being well looked after, not exposed to anything inappropriate etc then really there’s naff all you can do about it.