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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My nans funeral is in 2 days and I won't be there

51 replies

mum2three0 · 22/04/2019 10:40

Be kind please!
I've known since the end of March that my nan had just weeks to live, I managed to get a flight for 5 days time with my mum to go and see her.

Now 4 weeks on she has sadly passed away and her funeral is in 2 days.

But I have a few issues that mean I can't go

  1. Money. I cannot afford to go. (My partner isn't paid until the 26th, I won't get paid until next month as just started a job)
  2. 3 kids, meaning my partner needs to take at least 3 days off work
  3. I would also need 3 days off (I'm well aware buses and trains are available but they're more expensive than flying and take at least 13 hours!)

I'm really feeling like shit for not going though! I don't feel like I said goodbye as I was just more happy to see her, get her talking and try get her eating. Can I actually live with this decision not go go? And am I Being a cow bag for not going? I can't shake the guilt and it is keeping me awake at night. Please help me see sense Sad

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 22/04/2019 10:54

Why not take a day (or at least some time) off to say your own farewell? And phone your mum later so you can talk about your nan together.

I understand it's upsetting to miss the funeral but when you can only afford one trip then going to see her was definitely more important than going to her funeral, so you did the right thing for her.

IHateUncleJamie · 22/04/2019 10:57

Sorry about your Nan Flowers

Can I actually live with this decision not go go?

From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like you can go, so if that’s the case, then why would you feel guilty and have to “live with the decision”?

It’s either possible or it isn’t. Personally I would try my best to find a way to go (is your Mum in a position to help?)

How long is the flight? Do you have to be away for 3 days?

Lockheart · 22/04/2019 11:01

Obviously I don't know the fine details of the logistics, but is there no way you can do it in one day or two? Does it have to be a three day trip?

And could you stretch to putting the cost on a credit card or borrow from family?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/04/2019 11:03

Sweetheart, things happen, it's not your fault.

Persimmonn · 22/04/2019 11:04

Have you told your mum? If you can’t make it, your mum will understand. Maybe if she tells you it’s ok, you’ll feel less guilty?

Eustasiavye · 22/04/2019 11:06

Could you get a bank overdraft?

diavlo · 22/04/2019 11:10

The same happened to me when my gran died. I had enough money and time off to visit her a couple of weeks before she died or to go to her funeral.

I chose to visit her before she died and I don't regret it, and whilst I wish I could have gone to her funeral too, I know she wouldn't have wanted me to get in to debt. I spent the day of her funeral thinking of her.

Hugs to you.

Original poster
mum2three0 · 22/04/2019 11:10

My mum isn't going either as she also can't afford it.
It could be done in a day trip (almost) but bus or take would take a good 13 hour iirc, so I'd have to travel down Tuesday, come back literally after the service

OP posts:
FuzzyPuffling · 22/04/2019 11:10

My Mum's funeral was last week and my DD was unable to go as she was away at the time., She felt very guilty indeed, but actually, she had absolutely no need to. Nobody thought badly of her, especially me. At the time of the funeral she spent a while with her own thoughts and prayers...and I know my mum would have been completely fine about that.

You can say your goodbye in your own time and in your own way...I bet anything your nan wouldn't have wanted you to be fretting about cost difficulties.

And I am so sorry for the loss of your nan.

mogtheexcellent · 22/04/2019 11:36

My nan had a stroke on the day of my first final uni exam and was buried on the day of my last. I was 400 miles away for both. It's hard but there was just no way I could make it. I know my nan would have understood. I attended a memorial service in the church a few months later which helped.

Honestly it really sounds like you genuinely cannot go. I don't think you have anything you have to 'live with'.

Topttumps · 22/04/2019 11:39

My mum was the same when her mum died. None of us made the funeral. It did upset my mum at the time but by far the most important thing was seeing her when she was alive.
You have done the right thing op seeing her when you did.

BrokenWing · 22/04/2019 11:40

Can you and your mum get together on the day/time of funeral and do something together then? Play some music she enjoyed, talk over old memories, plant a tree in memory and say a few words/a goodbye?

I agree with pp, it was more important you were there to see her before she passed.

Sorry for your loss.

RoyalChocolat · 22/04/2019 11:44

I missed my grandfather's funeral because DD was very ill in hospital.
Sometimes, no matter how much you want to, you can't.

I agree with the previous posters that seeing her when she was alive was the best decision.

Original poster
mum2three0 · 22/04/2019 11:45

Thanks all I do feel better now!
I was going to surprise my mum and take some flowers and some babycham(nans favourite drink) down and spend a bit of time with her if I can (son has hospital app)
Or go the next day.

I am very glad I made it down when she was alive, I showed her photos of my children and she looked so happy (unfortunately never met the younger two Sad )

OP posts:
MzHz · 22/04/2019 11:48

Who the hell arranged this funeral for when her own dd couldn’t attend?

BillywilliamV · 22/04/2019 11:49

Can someone ask about it having live streamed on the internet, some places do this.
But try not to worry to much, what’s important is that you saw her while she was alive, she really

3luckystars · 22/04/2019 11:50

Your mother can't go either?

Lockheart · 22/04/2019 11:55

Your own mum isn't going?? Your grans daughter? Who's in charge of arranging this funeral and can't they help to get close family there?

That's awful that such close family are being excluded.

Original poster
mum2three0 · 22/04/2019 11:56

My mum can't afford flights and a b&b she doesn't currently work

OP posts:
lyralalala · 22/04/2019 11:56

Is this your Mum's Mum? Is it one of her siblings organising the funeral? Why can't it be organised for when her DD can make it?

Original poster
mum2three0 · 22/04/2019 11:58

Yeah it's my mums mum, she probably wouldn't ever be able to go. She couldn't afford the last flights and b&b, I had to pay for two buses (we live quite far from where the family is)

OP posts:
Original poster
mum2three0 · 22/04/2019 11:59

Yeah her brother is organising it

OP posts:
Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 22/04/2019 12:01

You sound like a very caring and thoughtful Granddaughter.
Absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.
Read the post by pp diavlo @ 11.10 - it's "spot on"
Flowers for your loss Flowers

Lockheart · 22/04/2019 12:01

If you and your mum can't afford a BnB then could you stay with your uncle for one night?

Is there anyway your other family could loan you the money for flight tickets, or could you put it on a credit card? Or would the flights be affordable if you could stay with family and not have to pay for a BnB?

How2Help · 22/04/2019 12:04

And am I Being a cow bag for not going?
No. Absolutely not. Be kind to yourself, you have nothing to feel guilty for.

Sorry for your loss. Babycham rememberance sounds very appropriate.