My nans funeral is in 2 days and I won't be there

[mum2three0]

Be kind please!
I've known since the end of March that my nan had just weeks to live, I managed to get a flight for 5 days time with my mum to go and see her.

Now 4 weeks on she has sadly passed away and her funeral is in 2 days.

But I have a few issues that mean I can't go

1. Money. I cannot afford to go. (My partner isn't paid until the 26th, I won't get paid until next month as just started a job)
2. 3 kids, meaning my partner needs to take at least 3 days off work
3. I would also need 3 days off (I'm well aware buses and trains are available but they're more expensive than flying and take at least 13 hours!)

I'm really feeling like shit for not going though! I don't feel like I said goodbye as I was just more happy to see her, get her talking and try get her eating. Can I actually live with this decision not go go? And am I Being a cow bag for not going? I can't shake the guilt and it is keeping me awake at night. Please help me see sense

I had an aunt who I was v close to. She was suddenly diagnosed with a brain tumour. She lives the other end of the country to me and I have 2 children with complex needs to care for. She wanted to see me as much as I did her and I moved heaven and earth to drive down and spend 24 hrs with her. We said all the things we needed to to each other. It was precious time. I wish it had been longer but my husband and daughter were holding the fort. She died on boxing day last year. God I miss her so.
I told my aunt and uncle when I visited that I would not make the funeral as my husband and all the children wanted to go to say their goodbyes. And that is what we did. I stayed home while everybody else went for a few days I have no regrets at all. Better to see people when they are alive imo . So glad you saw your gran whilst you still had time left.
Do something lovely with your mum to make the day significant and don't feel guilty at all. You have no need to really. So sorry for you and your mum's loss. X

I think the most important thing is you got to see her. A close friend of mine died recently and I was able to go and visit her to say goodbye to her when she was alive- on the day of the funeral it just felt more like a formality rather than a goodbye.

Maybe you can plan something with your Mum and go somewhere you used to visit together?

My uncle has no space to put us up as his 5 children will be staying with him to get to the funeral, we did already ask but not an option unfortunately.
There's no other family to ask and while I do have a CC there's like £46 available on it.
It's a plane then a bus, then another bus and then it'll probably be a bus to the service the next day. Just cant do it at all

My mum died last year and my niece couldn't make the funeral as she lives abroad and had just had a baby a few weeks before. No one complained and we all understood.
Things happen - and funerals are I think for the living to reminisce and have that closure .

Seeing your nan before she died was the most important thing and you did that and it would have made her happy.

Take the day off -- with your mum if she's near you- light a candle at the time of the service, think of her and say goodbye in your own way.

I'm sorry for your loss. I couldn't go to my Grandma's funeral as my son was born the day before, and I was too weak to travel 😞 I still feel sad now and then but I know she would have understood. Your recent visit to your Nan will have meant the world to her. Try to be thankful for that; she knew you loved her and ultimately, that's what matters x

I'm sorry for your loss.

I've had friends who are in USA and Australia illegally and couldn't come home for their parent's funerals. Their families set up a video link (skype or viber sort of thing) at the funeral. It's not the same as being there but it did comfort them a bit.
Surely your uncle could help your DM to get to their Mum's funeral? It doesn't have to be expensive. He could loan her the money (pay back instalments)and she could sleep on a sofa.

I couldn't attend my grandmothers funeral either due to lack of flights and costs involved. The funeral was within a few days of her death. We said our goodbyes a few weeks before when she was alive and I will always treasure the memory.

If you had to choose, it’s probably more important that you saw your Nan when she was still alive. ❤️ I think the Babycham tribute sounds lovely.

On a side note I can’t believe your Uncle has arranged the funeral without considering if your Mum can get there! 😳 My Granny would have wanted some of the money she set aside for her funeral to be spent on getting at least her children there. Blimey.

Goodness how sad this is.

Spending the 5 days with her while she was still alive was better so you did the right thing. Can you send flowers or a message to be read at the funeral?

Your uncle is being a jerk for not organizing a funeral his sister can attend. Also not giving her priority to stay with him. wTF

Truthfully, visiting while she was still alive meant more to your gran.

Get together with your mom and have your own memorial. You need to set aside a day to grieve and say goodbye. It’s harder when you don’t have a specific time set aside for that catharsis. Tell stories, have her favorite drink, maybe engage in an activity she loved.

We skipped the funeral and just had a wake for my mom. It’s what she wanted. It was a sad, but great day.

My mum lived in Australia and was very sick towards the mid-end of my second 'full term' pregnancy - I'd had many miscarriages too so took the decision not to visit her.

She died when my newborn was 12 weeks, and my DD was 3 and had a broken leg so travel would have been awful

Her ashes were brought back to the U.K. so family had a second get together to scatter her ashes as she'd requested and talk about her and our fond memories

The main take home message is she's not there now, she's everywhere and nowhere - stay home and find some peaceful time to say your goodbyes perhaps somewhere she'd like

When my grandmother died one of my cousin had taken her children on holiday (already prebooked) over the time of the funeral - everyone understood and told her not to rearrange. Sometimes life prevents you being able to do so

The idea of you and your mother meeting up together to say your own farewell is good

I think my uncle knew my mum wouldn't be able to go down, it's not about finding the time it's about finding the money. Don't even get me started on my uncle, he didn't even tell my mum that she had passed (it was put on fb and I'd text my mum to say how sorry I was and she didn't know what I was on about!! ) funeral details were also put on fb and never told to her which is quite a shame.

I don't think my nan had any money and I'm not sure how they've afforded the funeral as my uncle doesn't work as he is also very unwell. But I suppose that is none of my business.

Me and my mum have sent flowers but I was even told I couldn't send a "nan" one as his children had already got that
I feel like we've all been treated horribly tbh but I know I know it's not about us.

I will have own memorial with my mum, I was planning on getting babycham as it's my nans favourite. I have a firework or sparkler or two somewhere (did think of those lanterns but I know they're dangerous for animals) although I suppose it might be a bit cheese but definitely going to spend some time with my mum, I know she will also be carrying guilt of not going

Sorry for your loss

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with pp. I'd try and go, whatever I had to do. I missed a close relatives funeral and always regretted it.

So sorry op.
Can you be in the same place as your mum on the day if the funeral? I'm not clear if you live in the same place as her or not.

Having a babycham with your mum and sharing photos sounds much nicer than hours of travelling and debt. Your Nan will be there in spirit with you I'm sure.

It's a shame because the family on his side (his children, their children, my nans last remaining sister) are all within an hour away so regards of kids/work its still a lot easier for them to be able to get there

Yes I live about 20 min from my mum so without a doubt will be there for her

Sorry, I x posted with your last post.
The other family sound awful. Do your own thing. It will do you much more good I'm sure

Shame on your uncle.

What a wanker he really is

Send the NaN flowers if that’s what you want to do

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, OP.

You went to see her when it counted. When she was still alive, was able to appreciate your visit, and when you could help support other relatives.

Funerals are for the living. If you'd like to go, would feel better and can find a way that's fine. If you can't, it's nothing to beat yourself up over. Don't feel guilty.

Sorry to read of your loss.

Although not the same as attending a funeral, could a memorial service be held at a later date at which both you and your mum could attend. If either or both of you are Catholics, could a mass be said in her memory? My cousin could not attend my dad's funeral as her husband was seriously ill, and this was how she remembered him.

Our local church regularly have memorial services where you can go and remember people. You don't have to be a member or regular attender. Maybe you could do something like that some time in the future?

I go to quite a few funerals through church and there's always/often some family members missing, because of timing, distance to travel, finance etc., so try not to feel too bad not going, you know why and nan would understand.
Enjoy your babycham with your mom and have a good chat about nan.
Sorry for your loss

funerals are more for the living, not the dead. in all essence, the most important thing is to see your mam as soon as you can, don't feel bad, really truly don't feel bad. Sorry for your loss.