Being prayed for

[BuckingFrolics]

I'm an atheist and my DM knows this - indeed she and my DF raised me as one. She "found god" when my DF left in my early teens

She says she prays for me.

AIBU to tell her to stop, as I find it offensive?

We’re not believers. My grandma always said a prayer for us and lit a candle for DD in church. She prayed especially hard when DD was in NNICU, and during other times in hospital. It gave her comfort to do that, and I thought it was a lovely example of how much she cared.

When grandma was very ill, I prayed for her. And I prayed at her funeral. I don’t believe in any of it, but felt she would have been pleased to have us praying for her.

It’s not about what I believe, it is about me respecting that others do believe. It’s not important to me not to be prayed for, but it’s important for those who do it. Unless you are deeply hurt by being prayed for, it’s just mean to make a big thing about it.

What's being forced on them if you don't think God exists?
People telling you they are trying to interfere in your life without your permission. The fact that you know they will fail doesn't change that they are trying to, its very controlling and insulting.

"its very controlling and insulting."

Good grief. It really isn't
I have no words. Perhaps I should pray for you

How is saying a prayer for someone, interfering in their life?

And how does it control them?

It's neither controlling nor insulting to pray.

The way you talk about your prayer life can be both those things.

How is saying a prayer for someone, interfering in their life?

Because the pray-er is telling someone they're acting religiously on their behalf. It's intrusive. In Christian terms it can be seen as stealth boasting: look at me, I'm praying for you. The thing is to do it privately.

Elphame I came here to post about that study too, which show that following heart surgery, patients who were prayed for and knew they were being prayed for, had a higher rate of complications. It's here: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/16569567/

Suppose I prayer to the spirit of reason on your behalf and begged her to heal, to make you see the error of your ways, mend your god delusion, see the light of atheism instead of persisting to live in religious idiocy and bigotry. To finally see through the talk of virtue spouted by religion, to see through the perversion of religion that starts wars, covers up priests raping children, subjugates women and spread hates towards homosexuals. To save you in the light of reason.

Feel insulted yet? But I am only praying for your good and out of kindness!

Would a christian be ok with a satanist telling them, "I am praying you go to hell"?

Yes, I would. I wouldn't take offence.

I am also an atheist, who used to get really frustrated with religion (especially Christianity), but over time, I've just learnt to "live and let live".

If someone wants to pray for me, feel free! It doesn't hurt me and I appreciate your kind thoughts. In my experience, "I'll pray for you" is code for "I'm worried about you" or "I'm sorry that difficult thing happened/is happening to you". But people don't always have the words, or social skills, to address the issue more directly.

OP, if your mum wants to pray for you, just let her do her thing. She's going to, whether you give her permission or not. If there is something more tangible that you'd like from your mother - ask for it!
Eg: "I'll pray for you, daughter"
"That's nice mum, but actually I'd love it if we could grab a coffee next Monday/if you could babysit for an hour while I get a haircut."

If you don't want her prayers, tell her what you'd like instead.

walkingdeadfangirl, echt and bertrand and others, thank you for understanding and helping me clarify my gut reaction.

My DM knows full well my view on religion. She was over at Easter for tea with me and my adult DD, we were all having a perfectly nice ordinary evening together and apropos of nothing she chirped up "I pray for you both, and for (names of her estranged relatives)".

I love and respect my DM by the way. She's wonderful in many ways. Being natural and loving is hard for her due to her own shit parents. She owns a lot of her crap parenting of me. She didn't cuddle or praise me etc growing up and I do have a barrier up around her in consequence, and her telling me I am being prayed for feels like she's barged passed my barriers. And she knows it.

telling me I am being prayed for feels like she's barged passed my barriers

You cannot control the fact she prays for you if she does it in private, but if you have asked her not to keep telling you this and she keeps telling you this, then she is riding roughshod over the boundaries you are trying to set. There are assertiveness strategies you can learn about how to deal with this. The religion thing is a red herring IMO - it's about her overstepping your barriers.

' I am an atheist, but see people saying that they will "pray for me" as similar to those who say "I'll be thinking of you", "I'll be sending positive thoughts" and the like. It doesn't affect my life in any way and, if it makes them feel in some way useful in situations where they may feel otherwise powerless to help then I don't see any harm in it.'

Exactly. Now if they said you must come to church with me so we can kneel and pray together then that would be entirely different.

Personally I think anyone doing something for someone when they have said no and it isn't a matter of life and death, is wrong. Even when the thing is regarded as not harmful (despite a study showing it can be).

I'm astonished that people think otherwise.

In Christian terms it can be seen as stealth boasting: look at me, I'm praying for you.
If they're doing it at full volume in public (and especially in church) so people see them then yes. But praying in private and telling someone quietly that you're praying for them is not stealth boasting. It's no different to saying to them 'I'm really hoping you're okay' or 'I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you'. Will you take offence if someone says they've got their fingers crossed for you if you need major surgery? And if not, then why would a prayer be any different?

Yes, if I've already asked them not to because it bothers me.

You’re right autohuman it does seem to bring out a very nasty side. There are an awful lot of bad tempered atheists on mumsnet. I’ll say a prayer for them. Hope they aren’t too offended, lol.

There also seems to be a few Christians that have no respect for others wishes on here too. Not a very christian attitude imo. Lol.

“I’ll say a prayer for them. Hope they aren’t too offended, lol.”
I wouldn’t be offended. But I would very much rather you didn’t. Thank you, though.

It's patronising, isn't it?

It positions you as the troubled soul and them as the divine interpretor pleading with a higher power on your behalf.

And neatly takes the focus on any issues they might have themselves.

But praying in private and telling someone quietly that you're praying for them is not stealth boasting

You can't pray in private and tell some someone quietly. These are are contradictory actions. What volume do you suggest as OK? 1-11?

The OP wants the prayer-type person to STFU.

My reference to stealth boasting was about showing off / virtue signalling/look at me fasting, i.e not pleasing to God.

I think being bothered/offended by someone saying "I'll pray for you" is a sign of some underlying issue in your relationship, because in and of itself it's completely mundane and innocuous.

I don't want anyone to pray for me. I am perfectly capable of praying for myself if I thought it would make a difference.

I must have an underlying issue with my relationship to everyone on the planet! Or maybe just the people that think it's ok to disrespect my wishes for my own life. One or the other.

You can't pray in private and tell some someone quietly. These are are contradictory actions.
Of course you can. In prayer you're talking to God, as in 'Please God, help echt to understand my posts'. If I then told you quietly I'd PM you on Mumsnet and say 'echt I'm praying that you find a greater understanding of my posts'. Nothing boastful or contradictory about it.
If I was being a Pharisee I'd be posting on the Philosophy/Religion page and announcing to everyone in a whole new thread that I'd prayed for you.

“If I then told you quietly I'd PM you on Mumsnet and say 'echt I'm praying that you find a greater understanding of my posts'.“
If I was echt, I might well reply “Please don’t. And when it comes to understanding other people’s posts, remember Matthew 7:1-5”