Not to tell partner about very early infidelity

[Immyreeves91]

I met my partner aged 20 when I was still very young and stupid - I’d never had a relationship before. He asked me to be his girlfriend but then a couple of weeks later I had sex with another man whilst home for the Easter holidays - I didn’t really want to and he meant nothing whatsoever to me, and at the time I felt so so disgusted with myself that all I wanted to do was brush it under the carpet and have a fresh start so never told anyone about what had happened. Fast forward 6 years, our relationship is the most precious thing in my life, he really is the loveliest man to me and wants children. I am 100% certain I’d never do anything with another man again now, but I have this sense that I should tell him about what I did when I was younger. What would you do?

Also, you never have to reveal every little bit about yourself to anyone, not even your other half. They don't have to know about every tiny thing you have done in your life. DH wasn't interested in my sexual history at all.

I was responding to an opinion that age/immaturity was not an issue in cheating; I think it can be

Indeed. Which is why I didn’t say it’s never an issue. In response to the OP though I don’t think it is.

I take everything I read on MN about infidelity with a massive pinch of salt - and you should too, OP. In anonymous surveys 30-50% of men & women have been unfaithful at some point (depending on how you define infidelity) and most long-term relationships survive it (and no, I have never been unfaithful, so this is not me justifying my own actions).

Think about the motives of the posters who are telling you that your whole life is a lie. Do they sound like the sort of people whose judgement you can trust? Do they sound like nice, or kind, or humane people? They pretend to care about honesty, but they would happily goad you into destroying your relationship. They don't sound principled to me, they sound thoroughly malicious and I wouldn't listen to a word they say, if I were you.

Life is not black & white. No one is 100% honest with their partner. You were 2 weeks into a relationship that might have been going nowhere. You did nothing wrong. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

The time to tell him,was when it happened.Not 6 years later.Does anyone else know,is that why you're nervous

Good god what a load of self righteous perfect judgemental people on this thread.

If someone came on here and said they’d been dating someone for two weeks via say, online dating and it transpired that person had slept with someone else. People would be saying that it’s only two weeks in, that dating is a tricky business and that presumably after two weeks none of you would have had the exclusivity chat yet and thus while they might like to think about where to go from here, they should rather hav the talk about being exclusive if that’s where they wanted the relationship to have gone.

But two weeks people. Two weeks and people have the actual audacity to say that the whole relationship is built on a lie? Do get a bloody grip.

No, many people wouldn’t have slept with someone else a couple of weeks in, but many would, and that is by no means an indication that they are likely to cheat again, to the poster who suggested it.

OP you are six years in now. Over the past six years you have built a strong relationship with your partner. There is literally nothing to be achieved by telling him you had a regretful one night stand just two weeks into your relationship. And as for the people telling you your whole relationship is built on a lie, ignore them. Contrary to mn belief the world isn’t that black and white.

I am wondering though why you have felt the need to think about this all now. Are there other issues going on in your life which have made you doubt yourself or your belief in yourself? Did you know that by posting here you would be told what a despicable person you are thus validating your own lack of self belief? Just a thought. And btw I don’t think you’re a despicable person :)

It's such an inconsequential non-event.

Just don't even give it headspace.

If you tell him, I guarantee it will be brought up in every argument you ever have.

@nocauserebel thank you, you’re very kind and understanding. I just can’t understand if it really is insignificant, then why would it definitely mean the end of our relationship - surely he would understand that it was very early and that the reason I’m telling him is because I want to go forwards with complete openness and honesty? I am struggling quite a bit with mental health problems at the moment, arising from this sense that I am living a lie, and I think what would help me enormously is being held by him knowing of all my mistakes and flaws and still loving me. If that makes me selfish, please know how much I’m struggling inside, I’m not making any flippant decisions.

I am struggling quite a bit with mental health problems at the moment, arising from this sense that I am living a lie, and I think what would help me enormously is being held by him knowing of all my mistakes and flaws and still loving me

I think the issue is that to get what you want you risk hurting him.

I think rather than seeing telling him as a way to solve the issues, speaking to a professional surrounding your mental health issues and the issues surrounding this (and the previous sexual event you mentioned) might be far more useful to you

Honestly, if my partner had slept with someone as a one off after we'd been dating for two weeks, I'd really rather not know.

I just can’t understand if it really is insignificant, then why would it definitely mean the end of our relationship because it means you're making it into an Aussie for him to deal with. Something which happened so long ago and hasn't affected your relationship. Let sleeping dogs lie.

I totally get why you feel the way you do, like you're carrying a secret.

however only you know what this will mean to your dp. ultimately it could only serve to hurt both you and him and it was 6 years ago, you have all these years of lovliness and memories now and and a whole future ahead of you. talking about it now when its so far on means it has even less significance.

however if you don't want to tell him try and keep it breezy and no big deal. i think the fact u have never done anything since and dont want to is the main thing

good luck and im sure it will all be okay x

Aussie = issue*

I also think 2 weeks in is nothing. Lots of people haven’t declared exclusivity by then. You did what you did at the time when you weren’t exclusive or serious. The difference is if you tell him now it’ll feel like you’ve just done it because it’s new information and you’ve chosen to tell him. Just don’t. It’ll bite you in the arse and be used against you repeatedly.

If you officially beccome boyfriend/girlfriend Isn't the exclusivity thing then implied? I'd have thought that would only remain an open question for people who have not got to the BF/GF stage, though they may go on dates.

You need forgiveness from yourself not your partner. I suggest therapy if you can afford it.

Going through therapy will help you evaluate if telling him is the right thing to do or not. But actually the issue here is more that you are judging yourself and cant move past it.

I don't understand people making a big deal out of this. It was 2 weeks in and you were very young, so you were inexperienced at long relationships. If my DH told me this I'd wonder why he was telling me because it's such a non-issue, but I wouldn't care that he slept with someone, nor call it "infidelity" when it's literally weeks into the relationship. I think I'd worry that he was feeling depressed to be panicking about such small stuff. So I've asked him and he confessed to sleeping with Animal from Sesame street, then he asked how anyone can consider themselves to be in a relationship just a few weeks in because they don't know each other, so at least we're on the same page, ha! (Then he asked if I could find a funny mumsnet story instead.)

We're a lot older than you and we both had a bunch of relationships in the past, so I guess we just don't see the early days as particularly important compared to our shared life together. I've honestly no idea why some posters are trying to make you feel crap, maybe they're projecting random other issues onto this situation because it can't be objective. I think it matters more in your mind because you've both only slept with a couple of people in total, is that right? I'd say tell him or let it go, it shouldn't matter either way if he loves you and is a keeper; it's really you who needs to accept that it really doesn't matter. If you'd slept with the other guy three weeks earlier, what's the difference really? I can totally understand getting scared at the start of a relationship and you didn't know how to handle it, but that's ok because you do know now as shown by you never doing it since. I'd veer towards not telling him because it simply doesn't matter.

What you do need to talk to him about though is your anxiety. That you're struggling still from the assault, that your general anxiety is making you take small issues and blow them out of all proportion, that you're feeling low. Does he know about the assault and that it still affects you, or if that the thing you really want to talk to him about it you think through your feelings? Let him hug it out with you and help you with the next steps, which probably includes talking with someone about the assault and talking to your GP about your general anxiety levels right now. Take good care of yourself x

Please don’t tell him. That early on, and now so far into the future will just cause unneeded pain. It was early days, and now you’re many years in. I’d leave it.

Don't tell him ... just leave it in the past and let it go xx

Listen to @MRex

I did the same when 18 and had met DP, I told him because the guilt was eating me up and was making me sick. DP forgave and has literally never cared since, he's not jealous and I hold it against myself more than he does. I'd tell for peace of mind

People make mistakes. That was all this was. What you've done isn't unforgivable and I think you're being unnecessarily hard on yourself.

If you need some form of resolution, telling your DP isn't the way to get it IMO. It won't alleviate your guilt as you hope it will, as all you'll have done is hurt him into the bargain. And doing this in order to alleviate your own guilt is what I would see as the unforgivable act, particularly after this lapse of time. Your peace of mind should not come at the expense of his pain. Also, people attribute more importance to 'honesty' in relationships than IMO it deserves. No one's partner has an automatic right to know everything that's ever happened to us, or that passes through our heads. It would be an unreasonable expectation if they thought they had.

You made a mistake once and have learned from it, rather than continuing to repeat it. Try to let that be good enough. I second/third the view that counselling would be good for you if you're having such a hard time in forgiving yourself. As for the suggestion that your whole relationship is now built on a lie, this is patently not true.

You have been through enough. Try to be a little kinder to yourself; easier said than done, I know.

He probably will still love you just as much, but you will definitely hurt him - I know you're hurting yourself at the moment because of it but it was 2 weeks in and as you say, you realise it may have been because of what happened to you in the past. If my partner had done this to me at the beginning, I would not want to know now because it would play on my mind - if you tell him, you think it will get rid of the guilt for you - it may do, but you will feel worse guilt by telling him if it won't leave his mind forever either and you can't take it back ... as someone said, you would be better trying to have counselling right now for how you feel and get it out that way and think it through thoroughly before doing something which will be out there forever more

From the other sode: my now estranged wife had a minor dalliance when i was working away about five years ago and were already living together . We were in our late 20s/early 30s. I knew nothing at the time, but in the course of a row last year, she revealed what happened and the impact was far more devastating than it would have been at the time as she told me solely to hurt me. From that point onwards i really struggled to trust her.

I realise that tge circumstances are very different and i am not in a great position to offer relationship advice, but I would say that be careful that it doesn't comd out in an uncontrollable way.