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Original poster

Not to tell partner about very early infidelity

98 replies

Immyreeves91 · 22/04/2019 07:13

I met my partner aged 20 when I was still very young and stupid - I’d never had a relationship before. He asked me to be his girlfriend but then a couple of weeks later I had sex with another man whilst home for the Easter holidays - I didn’t really want to and he meant nothing whatsoever to me, and at the time I felt so so disgusted with myself that all I wanted to do was brush it under the carpet and have a fresh start so never told anyone about what had happened. Fast forward 6 years, our relationship is the most precious thing in my life, he really is the loveliest man to me and wants children. I am 100% certain I’d never do anything with another man again now, but I have this sense that I should tell him about what I did when I was younger. What would you do?

OP posts:
mushroomsandtoadstools · 22/04/2019 08:25

You only want to tell him to relieve yourself of the guilt and I think that’s very selfish.

No good will come of telling him, but your entire relationship will forever be false.

ginghamtablecloths · 22/04/2019 08:26

No, don't tell, he doesn't need to know and if he takes it badly then what would have been the point?

It is perfectly possible to have a fabulous relationship with someone without them knowing every little detail about you.

Anyone who's lived a life has done or said things which are regretted later. It's in the past and many of us did stuff when we were young and daft. You are grown up now and your shoulders are broad enough to take this. ' Forget the mistake - learn the lesson.'

holly873 · 22/04/2019 08:26

Why hurt a guy you love? Because that is what will happen if you tell him.

HBStowe · 22/04/2019 08:28

I think that now it could only cause him pain, and to no benefit. I wouldn’t tell.

Trippedupagain · 22/04/2019 08:30

Totally with everyone else here - please do not hurt the man you love by telling him this. This is just something you have to live with yourself, but try to forget it as it's insignificant.

happymum12345 · 22/04/2019 08:46

It sounds like you need to forgive yourself. It was a mistake & you won’t do it again. Move on & enjoy life.

JAPAB · 22/04/2019 09:08

On the question of what good it'll do to tell, if someone is still dwelling on something like this, enough to start a thread on it six years later, is it likely they are going to just 'forget it' without it nagging?

Also is it fair to have someone build a life on the basis of withheld information that may have seen them make different choices?

makingmammaries · 22/04/2019 09:22

Nope. Don’t tell. Humans are prone to uncontrollable primate-style jealousy in these situations, and it quickly gets the edge over logic. He probably won’t be able to stop himself and it will be really destructive. Why subject yourselves to that?

CalmdownJanet · 22/04/2019 09:26

I don't like being deceptive though you've managed it pretty well for 6 years Confused Honestly it sounds to me like your motives are completely selfish.

So let's say you tell him, are you OK with the relationship to be over? You'll walk away? What happens to your home? Who leaves? Will you be wailing and begging forgiveness once you've relieved yourself but passed the head wreck on to him?

BlueJava · 22/04/2019 10:15

No just forget it - it doesnt sounds good experience anyway so why let it ruin your life now?

PinkHeart5914 · 22/04/2019 10:23

You were 20 so really not that young, certainly old enough to know you don’t shag someone else when in a relationship.

You also say you don’t like being deceptive 😂 well you managed to shag someone else and you’ve never told your boyfriend. How that isn’t deceptive I don’t know

I feel for your partner as you cheated and you just blame it on being young so not really sure your that sorry or you’d take responsibility for your actions instead of blaming being young.

Would I tell him now, I honestly don’t know

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 22/04/2019 10:31

What would I do ? I would stay stum OP, to be honest.

DeadButDelicious · 22/04/2019 10:49

Honestly? I wouldn't tell. I can see where PP who say you should are coming from but I think you stand to lose a lot more than you would gain by confessing to a momentary indiscretion that happened at the very start of the relationship. You may not even feel better having unburdened yourself after all these years but I guarantee you will hurt the man you love. I would keep my mouth shut.

MattFreisWeatherReport · 22/04/2019 10:57

Telling the truth is often overrated imo. You'll (perhaps) make yourself feel better at the expense of making him feel awful. To me that's much more selfish than being mature enough to keep it to yourself and suck up any uncomfortable feelings. Bit Hmm at people saying your whole relationship is built on a lie. Your relationship is built on the years of love and trust that have accrued in the time since you both realised it was serious, in other words, in the time since this youthful indiscretion. Also Hmm at those saying 20 is 'old enough to know better'. I think people are judging you through a prism of perfection they're unlikely to have exhibited themselves. I would file this away in the category of things that happened before you settled down and not give it a second thought.

The only exception to this is if it was non-consensual, which the OP hints at, because if you're dwelling on this 6 years later then perhaps you could do with support.

littlepeas · 22/04/2019 11:06

Truth is important, but you shouldn’t do harm with the truth. Telling the truth now would only cause harm. You need to work on your own feelings of guilt and let them go. I DO think 20 is very young and people change a lot over the course of 6 years - everyone makes mistakes when they are young and it’s part of the life experience we accumulate. I don’t think telling will do any good to you, him or your relationship.

thisisthetime · 22/04/2019 11:07

Something like this happened to me. I started seeing my now dh, then only a few weeks later we went on holiday separately. We both had what we see now as a one last fling. Neither of us told each other. Fast forward 2 years I felt really guilty and told him. He started laughing which wasn’t the response I was expecting and said he’d done the same. I was more annoyed than him ironically. Anyway it didn’t change anything except although we have a great relationship and I trust him there’s sometimes a little niggle that he’s done it before therefore could again. (We hadn’t even slept together when we ‘strayed’ and was completely different to now obvs. And I know I’m being hypocritical but also know 100% I would never cheat) so I would say don’t tell him as you may make him trust you just a little less. Which isn’t fair on him either.

Serialweightwatcher · 22/04/2019 11:12

Please don't tell him - there's nothing you can do about it now and you will hurt him badly and maybe jeopardise your relationship - I know it's awful to feel guilty and to hold things back but sometimes you need to protect yourself and your partner. You did wrong, you regretted it immediately and you know you would never do it again and love your partner, so forget it. Telling him would alleviate your guilt somewhat, but it would cause him hurt and you'll then feel guilty about that too - just think how you'd feel if he told you similar

BarbedBloom · 22/04/2019 11:18

I would end my relationship if I found this out, mainly from the realisation that I had been lied to for years and you hadn't confessed at the time. I would bear in mind that he could do the same thing rather than forgive you, which I suspect is your motivation for telling him. You either tell him and accept the consequences or live with your own guilt, not fair to put it on him to feel better. Seriously consider your motivations for telling him now and what you expect to happen and whether there is any chance of this coming out one day. Better he hear it from you than your ex

UniversalAunt · 22/04/2019 11:39

’Truth is important, but you shouldn’t do harm with the truth.’

This, this & thrice this.

julensaor · 22/04/2019 11:42

no no no, leave it in the past.

outpinked · 22/04/2019 11:43

Telling him would only help you and your conscience, it would do him no good whatsoever. If you had betrayed his trust much further down the line it would be a different story but a one off two weeks into the relationship is no big deal. Telling him would be selfish.

keepforgettingmyusername · 22/04/2019 11:53

No, don't tell him. It's actually pretty normal to have a dalliance when you're in the opening few weeks or months of a new relationship. All part of testing the water to see do you really like this person and so on.

UniversalAunt · 22/04/2019 11:55

Coming back to one of my comments & comments from some other posters:

‘So the question is why has this come up ?’
‘The only exception to this is if it was non-consensual, which the OP hints at, because if you're dwelling on this 6 years later then perhaps you could do with support.’
‘And you need to move past this, maybe with some therapy if it's really getting to you.’

I think your dilemma is not so much about deception, more about a need for comfort & support about the distress that you had suppressed at the time & is now painful & challenging again. Maybe you’d turn to him for that support & comfort about everyday stuff but not for this, because this is not a neutral matter for him & I think that you may need someone experienced, qualified, neutral to speak to in full confidence.

Other MNetters may have a better idea where to ask for a support service. My first thought is to contact the Women’s Aid helpline as they may a directory of services local to you.

Original poster
Immyreeves91 · 22/04/2019 11:59

@mattfreisweatherreport @littlepeas @serialweightwatcher thank you for being kind and understanding and sorry I couldn’t tag everyone. The people who have told me my whole life is a lie in such harsh terms - seriously think before you say these things. I get that people will think that but to “😂” a stranger and make them feel pathetic is not nice when you don’t know the full story and what someone is going through. About a year before even meeting my partner I had a really horrific sexual experience that I don’t want to go into now, it doesn’t excuse my later behaviour of course but I think it does explain it to an extent - I think I was just terrified of the potential of a great relationship and love and kindness I almost didn’t know what to do with it all and I made a mistake.

I just feel that he sees me as a perfect, sweet, innocent person and I know I’m not. Can’t bear to shatter that but I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/04/2019 11:59

I wouldnt tell, its pointless.

But. just BUT!! If you were a woman posting on this forum that you discovered your DH had done the same - you would be told to LTB, once a cheat always a cheat, that he couldn't ever be trusted, that you should get ducks in a row, and habitually check his phone.

Hell of a lot of double standards at play .

FWIW I reckon most people have had a bit of a dabble out side of their main relationship at some point. Be that a one off xmas party snog, or a never found out leg over on a training course

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