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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to tell partner about very early infidelity

98 replies

Immyreeves91 · 22/04/2019 07:13

I met my partner aged 20 when I was still very young and stupid - I’d never had a relationship before. He asked me to be his girlfriend but then a couple of weeks later I had sex with another man whilst home for the Easter holidays - I didn’t really want to and he meant nothing whatsoever to me, and at the time I felt so so disgusted with myself that all I wanted to do was brush it under the carpet and have a fresh start so never told anyone about what had happened. Fast forward 6 years, our relationship is the most precious thing in my life, he really is the loveliest man to me and wants children. I am 100% certain I’d never do anything with another man again now, but I have this sense that I should tell him about what I did when I was younger. What would you do?

OP posts:

emotionalaffair · 22/04/2019 12:03

Don't tell. No good will come from it.

DexyMidnight · 22/04/2019 12:04

Um it's not normal to have a dalliance and would you all be telling a man just to forget the fact he cheated on his gf at the start of their relationship 'no harm done'?

OP I've cheated before at about your age if I remember correctly (a snog in a club) so I'm not going to rip into you but look when I did it I ended the relationship immediately because I recognised I obviously wasn't that into this guy and it wasn't a good basis for a relationship.

Yes married people cheat and many decide to work through it and stay together but for Christ's sake they're married, sometimes with kids. There's something to fight for.

Why didn't you fess up or end it then?

RSAcre · 22/04/2019 12:15

all I wanted to do was brush it under the carpet and have a fresh start so never told anyone about what had happened. Fast forward 6 years,

Exactly.
It was 6 years ago, your first relationship was only 2 weeks old, your were "young & stupid" (weren't we all?) ... & you did the right thing to make a fresh start.

Why potentially cast a blight into that fresh start?
I'm also concerned that you didn't really want to have sex with the other guy. Why are you blaming yourself for this?

Please just keep looking forward.

justarandomtricycle · 22/04/2019 12:17

You think he, a young man, never lied to you at the start of your relationship?

If you had DCs I would say, this may be a cross you must bear.

However, you have not had DCs yet. This means you can be honest and the people affected will be two grown adults. Not being honest and carrying on the relationship would be bringing kids into a situation where you have doubts, one built on a lie, and if you think it might change his decision, you would be knowingly doing all of this without his valid consent.

I would honestly consider breaking up with him if I was going to mention it, because there are all kinds of negative dynamics this can create - this breach of trust might, even if he forgives you on the spot, never be forgotten, it could fester or distance you on some level permanently. You can even get situations where cheaters never again fully respect someone who stood for it and reacted kindly. Also, if you will cheat on someone once, there's a good chance you will do it again, whether you realise it now or not.

Don't choose to have DCs with someone when you know there is concealed infidelity. Find someone you wouldn't cheat on, then you can have an honest relationship and a family with them.

mabelsgarden · 22/04/2019 12:25

@Immyreeve91

I am torn, because in some ways, there is no need to tell him, as it was 6 years ago, and it would only upset him, and would trash your relationship.

OTOH, is there any chance you (when you're with your DH) could bump into this bloke you cheated with?

I did know a man (he was a friend of DH's some years ago,) who shagged another woman behind his 'then girlfriend's' back - they had been together a year, and got married a year later.

They bought a house 3 years after getting married (and 4 years after he cheated,) and who did they discover lived 3 doors away from them a week after they moved in? The woman he shagged!

Long story short, he ended up telling her about cheating on her with this woman, because he didn't want the 'other woman' telling her. It destroyed their marriage.

His wife said she wishes he had told her when it happened, then she wouldn't have wasted the money and time and energy marrying him, and spending 3 or 4 extra years of her life with him! Thank God they had no kids together!

I am also concerned (like some other posters) as to why you are still dwelling on this 6 years on?

You need to think very seriously about what you do next. Because this is never going to go away.

justarandomtricycle · 22/04/2019 12:29

I think the need, if there is any, comes from the idea of possibly starting a family.

How many of us wish we could have totally averted problems big or small for our families. OP is at such a fork in the road now.

Tunnockswafer · 22/04/2019 12:30

I would say you shouldn’t tell, unless you think it could come out some other way. But I worry about you saying he sees you as basically perfect - a pedestal isn’t a good place to live on.

TanMateix · 22/04/2019 12:41

You are not going to feel better for telling him, you are only going to destroy the trust you have on each other and possibly the relationship for nothing, that man is not in your life, it was a mistake and a short one at it.

I think that you should not relieve your own guilt by breaking his heart. If you think this is a burden in your conscience, wait until you feel your heart breaking when he leaves. Hardly worth the gamble is it?

ALannisterInDebt · 22/04/2019 12:43

Forgive yourself.

Don't tell him.

Put your energy into loving him and stop dwelling on one silly mistake.

randomchap · 22/04/2019 12:58

Would you want him to tell you if the situation was reversed? If he did would that make you see him in a different way?

We all make mistakes, the important thing to do is to learn from them and move on.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/04/2019 13:00

2 weeks in.
Sounds like a date rape situation (or at the very least you were ambivalent and gave into pressure).
Haven't told him before now.

No.

Also I'm sure he'd lovely but you don't know if he has any incidents himself that he regrets/judged best not to tell you.

Unless there's a good chance of the guy in questiin telling him somehow, no.

JacquesHammer · 22/04/2019 13:03

Forgive yourself and move on.

The time to have told him would have been when it happened, not countless years down the line. The only outcome now is unnecessary hurt.

I do think seeing someone regarding the issues that led up to the infidelity and then the infidelity itself would be useful for you.

FWIW i don’t think age is one of those issues.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/04/2019 13:07

FWIW i don’t think age is one of those issues.

From my personal experience and observation of other people, I'd have to disagree with that. Age can very much be an issue.
Aren't 'they' saying now that human brains aren't fully matured until late 20s.

JacquesHammer · 22/04/2019 13:10

From my personal experience and observation of other people, I'd have to disagree with that. Age can very much be an issue

Couple of things - I was very much suggesting to the OP that for her, her age wasn’t the issue. She had previous sexual situations that have affected her deeply which I think she needs to explore rather than dismissing it as “I was young and stupid”

My own experience though is the contrary. You know by 20 the “rules” of relationships in terms of don’t cheat. The rest I agree you grow and learn but its fairly simple to understand you don’t cheat. And of course people do, at any age!

Tunnockswafer · 22/04/2019 13:17

I think in your first ever relationship (at age 20) you don’t have the same understanding of relationships as a 40 something going into their 6th serious relationship. You know that cheating is bad of course but the seriousness of the relationship isn’t known in advance, and plenty of people are non exclusive in early days.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/04/2019 13:25

You know by 20 the “rules” of relationships in terms of don’t cheat. The rest I agree you grow and learn but its fairly simple to understand you don’t cheat. And of course people do, at any age!

Simple to understand in principle, not so simple to implement in real.life situations, generally while under the influence. It's not morally right but I saw a while lot of sneaky cheating among peers at that age, and it took some maturing to avoid it myself.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/04/2019 13:26

whole.

I think many people who get into exclusive relationships at that age are just not mature enough for them.

justarandomtricycle · 22/04/2019 13:29

Am I being overly antiquated or something in thinking that cheating on your partner is not something that's fine and we all do in our 20s? Not judging the OP as I understand we all make mistakes, more with ref to the PP comments.

I know it goes on, but where people I've known have done this in younger days the reaction in the friend group has been more anger or ghosting, not what a great laugh we all do it.

Gettingthroughthedays · 22/04/2019 13:29

I think the guilt would eat at me but as pp have said, maybe it's just to make yourself feel better? If it is then don't do it.

I looked at this another way. If my other half did something stupid very early on, definitely regretted it, learned from it and then wanted to dedicate his life to me I would not want to know because I doubt I could ever fully get by it.

Particularly if he'd kept it for 6 years, the trust would be gone.

20 isn't young enough not to know better but he only asked you to be his gf a few weeks before and you haven't said how long before that you were dating. I'm assuming your immaturity at the time was what stopped you from owning up then.

I would just let it go for his sake. You're punishment has been beating yourself up about it.

Should you ever be in that position again (hopefully never!), be honest straight away.

Whisky2014 · 22/04/2019 13:30

Nothing good can come from telling him. It was so long ago and so short into your relationship. It's meaningless. Just forget it

formerbabe · 22/04/2019 13:31

Don't tell him

Moralitym1n1 · 22/04/2019 13:54

*Am I being overly antiquated or something in thinking that cheating on your partner is not something that's fine and we all do in our 20s? Not judging the OP as I understand we all make mistakes, more with ref to the PP comments.

I know it goes on, but where people I've known have done this in younger days the reaction in the friend group has been more anger or ghosting, not what a great laugh we all do it.*

If that's @ my comments, I never said everyone did it, and I never said people thought it was 'a great laugh'. I only said that it was common. (And I also admitted I personally struggled with it when I got into my first steady/serious relationships).

artemisdubois · 22/04/2019 13:55

I don't think you need to tell him, unless you really can't stop thinking about it to the point of it causing you distress to keep the secret. If it were the other way around, I wouldn't want to know about something that happened once at such an early stage in our relationship when we barely knew each other and, realistically, didn't owe each other anything much.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/04/2019 13:56

(I was responding to an opinion that age/immaturity was not an issue in cheating; I think it can be).

floribunda18 · 22/04/2019 13:58

You need to think very seriously about what you do next. Because this is never going to go away

Don't be stupid. Unless you all live in some incestuous little village, it definitely will go away.

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