Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to wedding where I know hardly anyone?

67 replies

Slomi · 22/04/2019 01:41

Has anyone gone to a wedding where their partner has been best man/bridemaid and you barely knew anyone there? I really don’t want to go but my DP is a bit sulky about it and wants me to make the effort for his friends and so I can see his speech. I have met the B&G 4 times briefly. I only know one of DP’s friends who is going. DP tells me to hang out with him but he is going to want to catch up with friends and show off his newish girlfriend (quite rightfully!). Add to that, I have to find an overnight babysitter for my 8 month old and I am just dreading it.

I have said I don't want to go and he still hasn’t rsvp’d (doesn’t see the point as he is best man apparently Confused). WIBU to stick to this? I’m still suffering PND, I’ll be just back in work after a few months unpaid leave and I could not be arsed spending a fortune on a dress/present/hotel stay. FWIW, we have gone to 3 other weddings together in the last two and a half years, 2 were his friends' weddings but that was ok because he wasn’t best man (and it was easier to meet and talk to people when you are introduced. None of these friends bar one mentioned above will be at this next wedding). We also have another wedding in his family in three months time which will involve a 3 night stay with our baby in a destination I would have no inclination to go to otherwise. So it’s not that I don’t make any effort to attend his events.

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 22/04/2019 02:15

I would absolutely go. Especially if my partner was Best Man.

But I am single and often / usually go to events when I know no one. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

Rach182 · 22/04/2019 02:25

Yes you should go. I did that once as my dp was best man but I only vaguely knew one other couple. Won't say it was my favourite wedding but it wasn't completely awful and it was important to support my boyfriend.

I just spent most of the day making small talk with the people I was sitting by and dancing with random people once the floor opened up (I drank quite a bit to make it less awkward).

Italiangreyhound · 22/04/2019 02:25

If you cannot face it don't go. BUT in your shoes i would get help from the PND, I would uy a fabulous new dress and wear it to both weddings, I would get an overnight sitter if you can or take the baby if you can and I would enjoy a time to meet people who are special to my dh, eat nice food and enjoy the time.

(I'd also take a book or phone in my bag and disappear off for a short while if I wanted some time alone.)

Maybe one day you and your dp will get married and you will have others coming to celebrate with you.

It's lovely that your dp wants to show you off and for you to hear the speech. I am sure it is tough but tackle the PND (with your GP) and if you can join your dp, please do. Good luck. Thanks

Rach182 · 22/04/2019 02:27

Could you not take your baby to the wedding? If you really don't want to go though I'd just say you can't get childcare and most people would see that as a decent reason.

Alicewond · 22/04/2019 02:27

Yep I’ve been to many weddings where I knew no one because it was important to DH. I would also expect him to do them same for me (and I’m lucky he has, although I’ve sometimes told him to leave early as he was bored and I wanted to stay dancing!)

Someoneonlyyouknow · 22/04/2019 02:47

I think you should go if you can, you can ask DP to make sure his friend is aware of your reservations and his gf will also not know many people. Your DP may be feeling nervous about his speech and it is good to support each other. Could you take your baby (as she is so young) or will childcare be easy to arrange? The cost of gift and hotel will surely be the same if DP goes alone so the only extra expense is a fabulous dress for yourself. Your DP will be free after the speeches to spend a lovely evening with you. You should try to get some help with your PND and remember you can introduce yourself to other guests as "the best man's partner" which is easier than just saying your name. Most guests will be flattered if you admire their outfit so that is a good way to open conversations.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 22/04/2019 03:03

You talk about your partner ‘showing off his new girlfriend’ as if she’s a different person. That’s YOU. If he’s showing you off, he’s spending time with you. Accept that he can’t be with you all day and make an effort with the people he introduces you to.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2019 03:04

Well I wouldnt bother going tbh. At 45 I have finally realised that the world doesnt end when I say no to something I dont want to do. There is no hammer that magically smacks you on the the head when you say "No thanks, because I dont want to".

However....... if you do go then perhaps your first port of call should be the friends new GF as she will probably be feeling the same as you.

Expressedways · 22/04/2019 03:36

I think if you can find childcare (or bring the baby) you should make the effort for your DP. It’s clearly important to him and these are some of his best friends. Are you saying that the friend you do know will have a newish girlfriend (that he wants to show off)? If so that’s great for you as she probably won’t know many people either. Your DP should pay for the hotel if would be going anyway. Just go get yourself a great dress!
And please get some help for the PND. Flowers

mushroomsandtoadstools · 22/04/2019 03:45

YABU. I think you just have to suck it up and go; this is important to him and you should support him.

frazzledasarock · 22/04/2019 03:56

I wouldn’t go. Sounds like it would be a chore plus the expense. Your partner should be a bit more understanding.

You’re going to his other functions this one I’d give a miss.

Original poster
Slomi · 22/04/2019 08:31

Hi all. Thanks for all the opinions, seems the majority think I should go. I'm taking all advice on board so thank you all.

Just to clarify a few things:
*This isn't his best friend getting married, he is an old friend from school. I doubt many of the guests DP used to know will even know he has a baby now. If it was his best friend getting married, I'd be a lot more keen of course.
*When I said show off his girlfriend I meant DP's friend, not DP. DP will be too caught up in the day. I have met friend's gf twice and we didn't click at all Blush.
*I definitely can't bring baby, it is a childfree wedding (which is their prerogative). I haven't left her that long before so that is fueling my feelings a bit I admit.

Thank you for suggestions about pnd. I'm working on it with my GP and I'm on medication. It's getting better but some days I struggle. I will look into going, I am just absolutely dreading it. The thought of squeezing myself into a dress and making small talk with 149 people I don't know for 12 hours+ is making me very anxious.

OP posts:
SuddenlyISee · 22/04/2019 08:43

I'm in the same boat as you in a couple of months and I'm dreading it. I do know the bride and groom well (although I don't particularly like them) but won't know many of their guests. I didn't go on the hen do but she has arranged a meal before the wedding that I am dragging myself to so that hopefully I will get to know a few people before the big day. Is that an option for you OP? I do think you should go. It's a big deal for your DP and it might make any future events difficult if you don't attend.

ViolentGin · 22/04/2019 08:45

It depends how close you are to the bride or groom, so in this case I probably wouldn't go.

I'm going to a wedding in the summer where I will literally only know the bride and one other person, and my DH isn't invited, neither is my DC. So I'm literally going alone. But completely worth it because this friend means the world to me.

LittleSprite · 22/04/2019 08:53

There is no way I would go under those circumstances, I just wouldn’t enjoy it. Especially if the B&G are thoughtless enough to sit you and your partner separately for the meal.

Kennehora · 22/04/2019 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Slomi · 22/04/2019 08:59

Thanks for posting, I appreciate it. Unfortunately it's not an option to meet before hand as they and most of their guests are a good 5 hrs drive away and my DP wouldn't socialise with any of this group really anymore and it's just groom he is in regular contact with so it would be a bit strange. His friendship with this old friend is almost entirely maintained through talking online. Wedding venue is 3 and a half hrs away. I barely know bride and groom. I will make the effort for my DP, but I'm dreading it. The family wedding is not stressing me out nearly so much even though it will be first time meeting all his mum's family who live abroad. At least I'll know his mum and sister there and I'll have the baby with me.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 22/04/2019 09:02

When I said show off his girlfriend I meant DP's friend, not DP. DP will be too caught up in the day.

Sorry; I worked that out once it was too late. Doh! Blush

Original poster
Slomi · 22/04/2019 09:03

I might try and compromise that I can leave early and go home to the baby. That way I've seen his speech and he has had a few drinks and will be fine. It will be fun getting home on public transport (!). But I really don't wanna be there overnight.

OP posts:
SuddenlyISee · 22/04/2019 09:03

It's a shame you can't meet up before. I would still go and try and have a good time. It's one day and it could be fun. Do you know if DP is sitting on the top table or with you? That will make a difference.

cariadlet · 22/04/2019 09:08

I'd skip this one. It sounds very stressful. You've been to a couple of other weddings with your dp and you're going to the more important family wedding so he can hardly say that you're not supporting him.

LadyWithLapdog · 22/04/2019 09:10

Events like this are always a bit awkward. You know one or two people, hang out together a bit, make small talk with others. If you’re lucky you get to meet one or two other people you like but whom you’ll never see again because it’s not quite enough of a reason to make the effort to meet. So on this basis alone, I’d go as it’s what I’d expect anyway.

However, you don’t sound like you’re in a good place and I think “fake it till you make it” would just add more pressure on you. I’d make the decision now, tell your DP your mental health and peace of mind worrying about the baby are more important and then don’t feel guilty about it. Yes, it’s a big day for him as best man. In the big scheme of things it’s not that important. Someone can video his best man speech. You can be supportive of him before he goes and on his return.

Jennbot · 22/04/2019 09:12

Don't force yourself to go.You're not well enough and you have to leave your baby overnight both of these reasons are enough. You risk exacerbating your PND. Which must be your priority. I can't u derstand why your partner puts showing off his speech before your health and your babies welfare.
It's a long journey, you haven't the spare cash to add to the very good reasons above.
I'd be more concerned as to why I was with such a selfish bf.
Your health is your top priority, not his ego.

CherryPavlova · 22/04/2019 09:12

I’d go. I think your partner is right; a bit odd not to go if he is best man.
We’ve been to weddings where I’ve never even set eyes on the couple marrying and had a good time.

Jennbot · 22/04/2019 09:13

Sorry should read * not well enough