To not go to wedding where I know hardly anyone?

[Slomi]

Has anyone gone to a wedding where their partner has been best man/bridemaid and you barely knew anyone there? I really don’t want to go but my DP is a bit sulky about it and wants me to make the effort for his friends and so I can see his speech. I have met the B&G 4 times briefly. I only know one of DP’s friends who is going. DP tells me to hang out with him but he is going to want to catch up with friends and show off his newish girlfriend (quite rightfully!). Add to that, I have to find an overnight babysitter for my 8 month old and I am just dreading it.

I have said I don't want to go and he still hasn’t rsvp’d (doesn’t see the point as he is best man apparently ). WIBU to stick to this? I’m still suffering PND, I’ll be just back in work after a few months unpaid leave and I could not be arsed spending a fortune on a dress/present/hotel stay. FWIW, we have gone to 3 other weddings together in the last two and a half years, 2 were his friends' weddings but that was ok because he wasn’t best man (and it was easier to meet and talk to people when you are introduced. None of these friends bar one mentioned above will be at this next wedding). We also have another wedding in his family in three months time which will involve a 3 night stay with our baby in a destination I would have no inclination to go to otherwise. So it’s not that I don’t make any effort to attend his events.

As an introvert, there is no way I would go to a wedding where I knew no-one.

So YANBU!

Sorry I wouldn't be particularly looking forward to it either but if your partner is best man you probably should go if at all possible. Obviously DP will be busy during the ceremony and wedding breakfast but after that he'll be able to hang out won't he?

I think going for the early part of the day then leaving to get back for overnight is a good idea if you think your DP will be off dancing drinking etc with mates.

He will be at top table as speeches are mid meal (I think). I want him to have a great time. I helped him look up activities for the stag and encouraged him to organise a full weekend one as it's what groom wanted, even though I'm back to work full time that Monday and could do with him around to make things easier. I think in most ways I'm supportive to him. I just don't see what difference it will make whether I'm sat at a table somewhere in the room when he will be taken up for the day.

I wouldn't go. If these people live hours away it's not like you are ever going to see them again, if it was local it might be worth making the effort to get to know his current friends.

I also don't blame you for not wanting to leave your baby overnight.

The way I see it is you don't owe anyone your misery

Your plan sounds brilliant. Possibly drive if transport is tricky. Best of both worlds really. Wear a dress you can re-purpose, a nice maxi dress perhaps? Wear to both weddings.

Hopefully they'll put some thought into who you sit with and I find that people are usually quite inclusive of those on the table they're sat with. Might be worth getting some conversation starters in your head so you feel a bit more confident starting a conversation. The worst that happens is the meal is a bit awkward, but after that you'll be able to be with your BF more anyway. Or you could be sat with a great group and have a lovely meal.

Yes you should go and support him.
It’s just what people do for those they love

Yes, I have. It was a bit odd and I drank way too much because I didn't know anyone and I felt uncomfortable. But all in all it was a pleasant enough day!

Oh I should add, I literally didn't know a soul. Not even the bride and groom!

@Slomi

I think your idea to go, and 'show your face' and then leave early is a good idea.

I suffer from social anxiety, and hate social events with lots of people, and DH is very shy, but we don't want to appear rude and ungracious, especially as we sometimes enjoy it when we're there.

However, me and DH have been invited to five quite big events in the past 3 years, and on all but one event, we have not known anyone except the one person (or couple) who invited us. So we felt really awkward and left out. It was no-one's fault; it's just that people didn't know us, and we are too nervous and shy to start talking to lots of people we don't know. So we will often go somewhere, and leave after a couple of hours.

But no-one seems to mind; they are happy we came, and it's nice that they asked us.

Regarding your issue, I know it's nice to do things because 'it's important to your partner,' but it's a fine line between 'making your partner happy,' and ending up doing things you don't want to do, and are unhappy doing, because you feel bad for saying no, (or you partner makes you feel bad for saying no.)

I had a boyfriend some many years ago, when I was very young, who he was always going to see his mates, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week, and I always had to go with him, as he would make me feel like an unsupportive miserable cow otherwise.

Every single time, he would start playing poker, or pool or darts, and ended up ignoring me half the night, leaving me to chat to the girlfriends and wives of his mates, who I had nothing in common with. I was bored out of my skull every time, and so were the women.

When I started saying no, (after 7 or 8 months or so,) and said I am staying home, he got really arsey with me, and saying 'you'll do what you're told... and you're coming!' It ended up causing big rows, and we finished not long afterwards. Probably for the best! When I look back, I realised I should never have continued to do what he said, and not let him make me feel bad.

I know this is a bit of a different scenario, but I just wanted to say, that you shouldn't set the scene for your DH to think you should do everything he says (and wants,) and you end up doing it, because it makes him happy.......

YOU deserve to be happy too, so why do you have to do things to make HIM happy, when these things result in you being unhappy?

Upshot is, why do his wishes trump yours???

I think this dutiful, ‘must go to support him’ folks making you feel guilty is a bit much. It’s a wedding, he’s not launching into outer space! It’s a bit shit I think that he wants you to sit alone, making small talk with a load of strangers all day. Some people like that, some really don’t. I would hate it and I’ve not just had a baby etc.

Yes you sometimes have to do things you don’t want to do, but really I think especially women get caught up in this pleasing everyone thing for really inconsequential things that don’t even really matter if you don’t join in/do whatever it is.

Weddings can be long and boring when you KNOW the couple, let alone when you barely know anyone. What’s the point in making you spend the run up dreading it and spending money on clothes etc for something where literally the only person that it will make a bit of difference to is your partner and I think he’s being a bit precious about it. It is not going to be the end of the world if you don’t go. He will be fine, he will be surrounded by his mates. He will spend most of his day stood around with the groomsmen doing duties and sat at top table fgs.

I love and adore my partner, I want to do everything I can to make him happy but it doesn’t mean you have to do everything. My partner would not expect me to come in this instance either. Yes if he was a normal guest where we would be alone but together, but not how your situation is.

Why can’t he read his speech to you beforehand to practice, get your opinions /tell him how lovely it is and then tottle off happily to do it?

Id be saying childcare meant I couldn't go.

But you'll get really polarised views on this.

Some people are naturally outgoing and happy to sit and talk to strangers all day and bight, and do their own thing.
Others would find this really hard and uncomfortable.

I'd hate it. I'm naturally shy and quite introverted. This would push me well outside my comfort zone, and a weddings a long time to be in your own. You won't be sat with your dp and he'll be busy most of the day. It'll only really be the evening, after the meal and speeches he'll be free to spend time with you.

I'd possibly consider going just for the evening bit if that was the case but likely cry off altogether.

Cross post with mablesgarden! I agree. It doesn’t make you an unsupportive, unreasonable, pathetic human/partner to say no, decline or put your foot down. People think they need to do every last bit of shit they don’t want to, to be a ‘good’ person/wife. It should be a balance.

You can say no, without guilt.

I was in your exact same situation a few months ago (and posted in chat and got similar answers!).

I would speak to your other half and make sure he knows how worried you are about the wedding. He’s going to be a big part of the day and surrounded by his friends so won’t you being there make him have less fun because he will be worried about you?

In the end I decided I wasn’t going and DP was a bit relived i think as logistically it was a nightmare (other end of country and him staying with groom night before meaning I would be eating/ sleeping alone). Another wedding thankfully has given me an excuse!

Tell him your not going and breathe a sigh of relief

Why waste time and money on something you will hate? DON'T GO!

@LumpyPillow I was just about to say, I agree 100% with you, as we posted almost exactly the same points!!!

Good luck @Slomi.

@LumpyGarden

Particularly this bit I agree with ...

Yes you sometimes have to do things you don’t want to do, but really I think especially women get caught up in this pleasing everyone thing for really inconsequential things that don’t even really matter if you don’t join in/do whatever it is.

Women ARE raised/socialised into being 'nice' and being made to feel bad if they don't do what they're expected!

Do men feel bad if they don't do everything their wife/partner wants?

Do they heck as like?!!!

Thank you all, I really appreciate it. I'm going to talk to him again about it this evening and try and get across some of my concerns. He's very extraverted so I don't think he really understands. Hopefully we can compromise on me going to part of it at least.

I honestly wouldn't go OP.

When myself and exDH's three children were young (DS2 was a baby), DH was a groomsman at a wedding for friends of his I barely knew - 4 hours away.

I am socially extroverted but after a baby (sleepless nights, post baby flab etc) the last place I wanted to be was a wedding and make small talk.

ExDH wasn't exactly thrilled going alone but he did understand why.

All the best @Slomi. BE STRONG!!!!!!!!

Yes I have. Several years ago now DH was best man for one of his best friends. I knew DH (obviously) and the groom. I'd met the groom's mum and dad extremely briefly when we'd gone to collect DH's suit from the tailor's, and I'd met the bride once. Apart from that I knew absolutely no one. DS was 3 at the time and most definitely not invited. And I was put on a table literally in the far corner of the room with the bride's parents' NDN and some distant relatives (think great aunts/uncles sort of thing). It was quite honestly the worst wedding I'd ever gone to.

Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear, but if I could go back in time I'd definitely have stayed away. (And they were divorced within a year, but that's a different story that isn't mine to tell anyway).

Thank you @Disappeared. DP doesn't seem to think having the baby is a good excuse to not go as she'll be nearly 9 months but she's not a great sleeper and I haven't exactly bounced back physically or mentally since having her.

@mabelsgarden Thank you

And thank you everyone for the advice and encouragement. I was losing sleep worrying about it (as you can probably guess from the time of my first post) but feeling a bit better now and less "trapped" if that makes sense!

@DanielRicciardosSmile

Yeah, see that is the exact situation I'm worried about. They haven't the table plan sorted yet (wedding in a few weeks) so no idea where I'll be. I'll ask DP if he could subtly find out where I'd be. I don't wanna be person who asks for special accommodations at someone else's wedding but it would help me mentally prepare I think.

(PS I love your username )

I realise I sound a bit ridiculous and oversensitive. This anxiety is a nightmare. I was never this bad before having a baby .

If you are planning to leave early then I really wouldn’t bother going at all because you will just be there for the bits when your DP is busy. I honestly cannot believe that people treat their best friends’ partners so badly as to sit them on them on their own with no one they know. But if that’s the way it will be then I would give the whole thing a miss!