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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Visitors - Am I mean?

27 replies

BlueMoon1103 · 21/04/2019 20:09

Hi everyone,

Wanted some advice if at all possible. I have a friend since about 7, we’re really close but live miles apart now. She wants to come and visit this week and stay with me for a couple of nights, I haven’t seen her since last year so it was months ago. Thing is DS is only 6 weeks old as of this week and we’re not in an established routine yet. I don’t have an issue with that but think she might get a shock at the reality of a new baby! She won’t mind but I feel a bit under pressure to make sure they’re both happy. I’d really like to see her so any tips on how to make this manageable would be great!

OP posts:

PutyourtoponTrevor · 21/04/2019 20:10

Say no?

Yesicancancan · 21/04/2019 20:14

Routines are not much of a reality with newborns tbh. If she’s easy going and you feel comfortable you may really benefit from extra pair of hands to hold the baby whilst you shower. Depends, you know her, anyone who wants to be treated like a “guest” say no. Anyone willing to get involved, make cups of tea, yes please.

Hollowvictory · 21/04/2019 20:18

Say no then

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/04/2019 20:18

Tell her you'd love to see her but with a new baby things are hectic, so she may have to make her own bed up, cook dinner, brew, and generally shift for herself

If she's a good enough friend to have to stay so soon after having a baby, she'll understand and want to muck in.

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 21/04/2019 20:20

Can you mention is she prepared to be a hands on guest? And the late nights she may like could possibly not be the same as the ones coming her way!!
My mate had a friend stay a fortnight pp cs with twins!! On arrival she asked why she was in bed - lazy cow - in jest and mucked in full strength for a week!

Ohyesiam · 21/04/2019 20:22

Ask her to take you as she finds you and to be prepared to muck in.
Some friends can do that, some can’t. It’s great having the ones that can around.

WorraLiberty · 21/04/2019 20:25

If you're visiting a close friend who has a newborn, you'd just muck in wouldn't you?

You don't need any tips.

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar · 21/04/2019 20:38

God it would definitely have to be a no from me. I'd tell friend that it would be lovely to see her if she decides to come up this way but on this occasion you can't host in your home sorry

Dieu · 21/04/2019 20:38

If it were me, I'd have loved to see a good friend during the newborn phase. Like an injection of familiarity and normality, at such a wonderful but strange time!

greenpop21 · 21/04/2019 20:38

Say you'd love to have her when things are more settled. End.

formerbabe · 21/04/2019 20:39

If she's helpful, then I think it would be brilliant.

If shes the type who expects to be waited on then hell no!

Bringbackthestripes · 21/04/2019 20:43

IF you are happy to have her stay then tell her to bring ear plugs as she may not want to be disturbed by a baby crying all night AND she may need to sort food / clean / be hands on help because -you know- you have just had a baby!

IF you would rather she didn’t then just say it isn’t a great time as you are trying to establish a routine.

There is no way to make them both happy, newborn comes first.

Friend has to put up and shut up.

yellowalstroemeria · 21/04/2019 20:48

I think she's astoundingly rude to even ask.

BattenburgIsland · 21/04/2019 20:53

Just say that it's too much to manage with the 6 week old. I had to say this to childless friends who tried to visit and stay over in the early weeks... they all understood completely! Sometimes it's just too stressful even if it's a very close friend who doesnt need hosting... it's still someone in your home when you are hormonal and sleep deprived, so not every woman can cope with that. I certainly couldn't. I wouldn't even let my mum stay in my house when she visited in the first few weeks, she stayed in a b and b! AMD she wasnt offended.
Just say you dont want her to stay if its stressing you out. That is perfectly valid.

redcaryellowcar · 21/04/2019 20:53

Some of my best visits when my first baby were born were from friends who just helped, even if the only thing they did was make me a cup of tea and said positive things.
I wouldn't allow her to come if she's not capable of putting sheets on the bed she sleeps in and popping them in the washing machine after she's been. I would also send her out for food (ie to collect a take away) or ask her to cook, that way it will be nice for you rather than hard work. If she's the sort of friend who will expect you to look after her, say no and don't let her come for several years!!

DobbyTheHouseElk · 21/04/2019 21:01

Does she have children herself? If she does she might be coming to support you.

My BBF who I’ve know since I was a baby, came to stay when DC was a week old. She took DC away in her bed and stayed up all night so I could sleep. She woke me to feed and took baby away. She is a Dr, but also an amazing friend. I love her dearly and will never forget her kindness. She knew I was struggling after a birth trauma. She was so caring and looked after us so well.

If your friend is so close maybe she will do the same?

Imaginethat456 · 21/04/2019 21:03

If you and your friend are close, I think it could be lovely to have her with you. Ordering food in rather than cooking, film afternoon with either Netflix/ a new DVD, online shop for anything you need... and zero cleaning before she comes! Have lovely time!

cuppycakey · 21/04/2019 21:04

Just explain it doesn't work for you with a new born baby. You would love to see her another time.

Cornishclio · 21/04/2019 21:07

I think if she is a friend who will just muck in and not expect you to run around after her then it could work. Babies don't do routine in the early months. Having someone who could help out could be a real bonus to you but it depends on what type of person she is. I would tell her she is welcome but will need to take you as you find you as DS is still a newborn.

coconutpie · 21/04/2019 21:08

I would say no. Your priority is your newborn, not to be playing host to a grown woman. Postpone the visit.

PrtScn · 21/04/2019 21:15

As the others said if she’s a close friend that will help you out and fend for herself then have her over. My lo is 6 months old now and we are doing well but the first few months were hell (colic, jaundice and clingy). I’d have loved for a friend to stay and help me out. I felt really trapped as I couldn’t even put him down to go for a wee without him having a meltdown. Some help and adult company when dp was at work would have been a great help.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/04/2019 21:28

if you're good friends, if you want her to come, be honest

Yes you can come, i'd enjoy that. But the baby doesn't sleep through so i'm worried he might disturb you. And i'm not really in a routine so please don't expect any gold standard of hosting - i'm happy for you to make yourself at home though.

BadTigerKitty · 21/04/2019 21:31

I loved having my friends come for sleepovers when the babies were tiny. We got to spend quality time together that wasn't really possible if we went out for lunch or whatever. And much less stressful for me. They were great bringing food, cooking, fetching glasses of water and holding the baby while I showered, etc etc. My dh also enjoyed the company and the break in routine.

My friends don't expect to be waited on, and I'm very relaxed about saying 'you'll have to make up your own bed and clear away that washing' or whatever. So if you and your close friend have a relaxed attitude to staying in each others homes, I think you'll really enjoy it.

I have to say I enjoyed those visits when baby was tiny more than when they got older and needed a lot more than just eat /sleep /change.

BlueEyedBengal · 21/04/2019 21:40

Say no it's not the right time and say you will rearrange at a later date.

snowflakeeel · 21/04/2019 21:51

I agree with many of the for and against comments. I would say no to quite a few folk, however there are a few friends I know who would simply love to come and help out, e.g. Hold baby so you could have a bath or a catch a nap. If you're feeling anxious about it I would recommend you have a conversation with her and perhaps lay on the table your/her expectations of the visit. You may find that you have a willing extra pair of hands. :-)

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