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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL’s photos of DHs ex

93 replies

FFS12345 · 21/04/2019 19:19

There’s a bit of background, I’ll try to keep it brief. Just been to visit MIL. She lives local to us but DH mostly goes on his own as I work long full time hours and a visit tends to take up a lot of time! It’s difficult to get away once there and I have very little in common with her. Anyway it being Easter Sunday I thought I’d make the effort!

We’ve been married two years this summer and it’s DHs second marriage. She has a lot of photos dotted around her home, as most grandparents do it’s the grand kids, special events, that sort of thing. They’re nice to look at and give a bit of an icebreaker.

There’s a small wedding photo of us with MIL, BIL and SIL that’s a nice family photo which we gave her in a nice frame for mother’s day.

There’s also a group photo from his first marriage 25 years ago. It looks like it’s the group photo of everyone. There’s also a large canvas type picture, A2 sized of DH and ex wife with DSC.

AIBU? Is it not a touch insensitive? There’s loads of pics of the grandchildren (my DSC) at various ages so it’s not like it’s the only one she has.

Can I just point out that I’m not trying to dictate how MIL decorates her home, just asking if it’s a little insensitive after so many years. DH has a fraught relationship with his ex and really doesn’t like these photos being up either.

OP posts:

TanMateix · 21/04/2019 20:55

Or it may be as simple as that the picture has left a mark on the wall over the years and she cannot figure out yet what to use to cover it with after she takes the picture down

Hollowvictory · 21/04/2019 20:58

Strange that your dh hadn't asked her to take them down. Sounds like she'd be happy enough to do so.

Drogosnextwife · 21/04/2019 21:00

Well if it was my mum and she had photos of my ex up on the walls, I would be telling her to remove them or I won't be visiting her house tbh, especially if my relationship with my ex wasn't good. I think your DP needs to have a word.

Emily1091 · 21/04/2019 21:02

I can see both sides of the coin.

I don’t know why your getting so upset if you hardly go round to her house anyway. If it bothers your husband so much then he should be the one to tell his mother but in the same breath can’t be nice having to look at it.

Turn it into a joke and don’t let it bother you so much

SnapesGreasyHair · 21/04/2019 21:21

My XMIL has my photo up.... admittedly we split only 2 yrs ago.

He isn't happy about mine and their continued contact but after over 20 yrs of a good relationship they told him to get over himself, he made his choices left me for OW and I'm the mother of their DGC so will do as they like.

jpclarke · 21/04/2019 21:36

In the eyes of your mil it could just be part of the furniture now and doesn't really take any notice of the picture and who's in it anymore. She might not even realise it's there and what it represents.

SirVixofVixHall · 21/04/2019 21:40

My brother had a very acrimonious breakup with his ex partner. My mum however, had loved her very much and kept a picture of her in her room until she died a few years later.
It also is much nicer for children of a marriage, even as adults, to see pictures of their parents and to think that their grandmother did care about their Mum.
It may trigger your jealousy but they had a very long marriage, and children together, so it is unreasonable to expect everyone else in the family to edit her out. Also, if the children are adults then you aren’t a step mother as such, so to accuse people of step-mum bashing is a bit ott.

MissClareRemembers · 21/04/2019 22:11

It’s just a photo of a happy occasion - a day when her son was happy. The size is a bit unnerving granted, but try to see it as simply a happy memory. It’s not a shrine to the ex wife.

qazxc · 21/04/2019 22:29

Maybe she just thinks it's a nice photo of her son and grandchild, or a happy memory, or the only family group one she has.
More than likely they have been up so long, she doesn't really notice it anymore.
By what you say, it's highly unlikely to be a shrine to the ex or aimed at you.
Maybe she feels that at this stage taking them down might upset DGC.
AS you say, you don't go there a lot; maybe with time you'll get used to them and they won't seem as jarring to you.

FreshAprilStart · 21/04/2019 22:30

Like I said at the start, live with it. Not worth the fuss.

I once had an ex have a picture of his ex on the wall. Now, that was irritating!

Elloduckie · 21/04/2019 22:32

You're wrong it's their mother. You came second, therefore will get seconds. End of

hazzysmoozy · 22/04/2019 00:02

LOL

Chocmallows · 22/04/2019 00:20

Your original post describes you not bothering to see her much and your wedding photo as a nice family photo, but you are missing the fact that these other people were or are equally her nice family.

Your DH thinks they haven't met for years, but kind messages may be shared through the DGC.

You sound very immature.

Lizzie48 · 22/04/2019 00:46

I get why you would find it uncomfortable, but she possibly genuinely doesn’t think it would bother you so long after they broke up?

My DSis’s abusive ex features prominently in DH’s and my wedding, in fact the camera is focused entirely on him during our wedding vows. I hate it, it really spoils my enjoyment of watching it.

But my DDs love watching it, so none of us would stop them from doing so because that would be giving the past too much power over the present.

itstheweekend2 · 22/04/2019 06:40

My initial thought was that a large a canvas portrait is more more than just a 'decorating choice' because of what it represents. If I were your MIL I would have taken it down . When my DB got divorced DM took down all the photos of them together even though she was gutted about it, because it seemed the right thing to do.

veggrower2 · 22/04/2019 06:47

My mum still has pictures of my ex up. I wish she didn't and have told her those but the photo is a group one which includes my dad who is no longer with us. I have to just accept that it is staying put.

Original poster

FFS12345 · 22/04/2019 07:23

Thanks everyone. It’s made me realise it’s really not important. There’s no competition they’re just old photos that have become part of the furniture.

As for @Elloduckie your comment is bizarre and extremely unkind. Just because I met him later in life doesn’t mean I deserve seconds!!

OP posts:

Nodancingshoes · 22/04/2019 07:38

It is insensitive. My sister is on her second marriage, if any of us (her family) had photos up of her first husband, that would be extremely weird even though he was very well liked in the family. I have her wedding album (she didn't want it anymore for obvious reasons) and I like to look at it sometimes as my mum is in it and we lost her soon after. I would never leave it out for my new bil to see tho!

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