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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL’s photos of DHs ex

93 replies

FFS12345 · 21/04/2019 19:19

There’s a bit of background, I’ll try to keep it brief. Just been to visit MIL. She lives local to us but DH mostly goes on his own as I work long full time hours and a visit tends to take up a lot of time! It’s difficult to get away once there and I have very little in common with her. Anyway it being Easter Sunday I thought I’d make the effort!

We’ve been married two years this summer and it’s DHs second marriage. She has a lot of photos dotted around her home, as most grandparents do it’s the grand kids, special events, that sort of thing. They’re nice to look at and give a bit of an icebreaker.

There’s a small wedding photo of us with MIL, BIL and SIL that’s a nice family photo which we gave her in a nice frame for mother’s day.

There’s also a group photo from his first marriage 25 years ago. It looks like it’s the group photo of everyone. There’s also a large canvas type picture, A2 sized of DH and ex wife with DSC.

AIBU? Is it not a touch insensitive? There’s loads of pics of the grandchildren (my DSC) at various ages so it’s not like it’s the only one she has.

Can I just point out that I’m not trying to dictate how MIL decorates her home, just asking if it’s a little insensitive after so many years. DH has a fraught relationship with his ex and really doesn’t like these photos being up either.

OP posts:
CanILeavenowplease · 21/04/2019 19:33

How is expecting someone to remove photos because they don’t suit you not dictating decor?

NoCauseRebel · 21/04/2019 19:34

It so happens that I recently found out my ex ILs have a huge box of photo’s some of which are of our wedding. They’re not on display, but my DS was fascinated to see them.

Do bear in mind that at the time they were married they weren’t in the place they’re at now, so the wedding was not something which would be thought of by the DSC as a failed marriage.

Original poster
FFS12345 · 21/04/2019 19:34

They divorced about ten years ago! The marriage was 25 years ago, doesn’t mean they were married for 25 years.

Just to be clear, they are definitely not close. MIL is not complimentary of her former DIL.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 21/04/2019 19:36

How do you get on with your MIL generally? Is she quite old fashioned? From your post it sounds like you're quite distant from her. I'm a 2nd wife and SM (not OP, they split over 10yrs before we even met) and I cant imagine DH wanting old pics up of him and his ex. There are some lovely photos of DH with DSS as a baby and of DSS on his christening day etc. But none with the ex in. They do keep an album and some have her in but it's not permanently on display. I couldn't really care as I get on (mostly) with his ex but I dont think I'd want to see cosy pics of DH and his ex. I'm just wondering if she harps back to the ex?

slipperywhensparticus · 21/04/2019 19:36

🤣 I wandered into my ex mil house today I've been erased from the family history as has my daughter there is one picture of her grandsons though but that also has there dad and brother on it almost looks like immaculate conception

Original poster
FFS12345 · 21/04/2019 19:40

She never mentions the ex. I have a friendly relationship with MIL, no problems at all, I am just time poor and don’t have the luxury of being able to sit around drinking tea with her regularly. In the time we’ve been together I think I’ve heard her refer to ex wife once and it wasn’t a compliment.
That’s why it doesn’t make much sense.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 21/04/2019 19:42

It is presumably a nice picture of the grand kids and other family members.

HeddaGarbled · 21/04/2019 19:43

The ex wife is the mother of her grandchildren, and your MIL will have had a relationship with her. I know some families do airbrush the ex out once their offspring has moved on, but I do think that is unkind.

Also, it doesn’t sound like your attitude to a relationship with them would require them to show you any more than politeness.

Still18atheart · 21/04/2019 19:45

Yabu you sound like my aunt when my DGM was alive. There were a couple of pictures of DU first wedding around the house. She likes them because they were also pictures of relations no longer with us at the wedding etc. I loved them because they both look as proud as punch that their ds was getting married

GregoryPeckingDuck · 21/04/2019 19:46

I don’t understand where this insensitive notion is coming from. Why on earth would you care who she has pictures of and why on earth would she have to cater to your (a grown woman’s) insecurities? You are being v unreasonable even thinking about this.

Biancadelrioisback · 21/04/2019 19:49

She probably doesn't mention her to be sensitive to you. You can dislike how a relationship ends but that doesn't erase the years beforehand.
My DM still has pics of my ex-SIL around the house.

Livelovebehappy · 21/04/2019 19:51

As your mil doesn’t like the ex, then I’m guessing the only reason she has it up is for her dgc’s benefit, which I think is great of her. Please don’t create issues where there really are none. If as you say you don’t visit often, then it’s not going to be something which is constantly in your face.

Dippypippy1980 · 21/04/2019 19:52

She might just like the picture. My friends sister had an unhappy marriage and messy divorce. Friends mum has her wedding picture pride of place on the mantle because she likes how her daughter looks in her wedding dress.

Countless rows about it being there - but the mum insists.

I don’t think I would like it either - but making a big deal abou will probably just make her more determined.

Stormy76 · 21/04/2019 19:55

Maybe they have been there for so long that she no longer notices them?

Quartz2208 · 21/04/2019 19:57

She probably hasn’t given it much thought about the photos and has not bothered updating given what you have said

The one with the children she probably just likes the children in it being that age the othe she probably just hasn’t thought of

Original poster
FFS12345 · 21/04/2019 19:57

Let’s be honest here I don’t make a big fuss about it. I’ve never mentioned it to her, I’ve just got home and mentioned it on an anonymous forum.

OP posts:
Herland · 21/04/2019 19:57

Honestly it would probably irk me too a bit but I wouldn't expect her to remove it now. My ex mil always had a calender up in her kitchen which would have birthdays etc on it. In the 7 years we were together my birthday was never added...but my partner's ex's birthday was there every year in marker. 😂😂😂

3dogs2cats · 21/04/2019 19:58

She might have long since stopped even registering, most people don’t look.at their photos and pictures.You could ask her why she keeps them on display?

HeddaGarbled · 21/04/2019 19:58

Never mentioning the ex in front of you could be her being sensitive to your feelings, couldn’t it?

Biancadelrioisback · 21/04/2019 19:58

So what's the point in the thread then? Or are you just asking so people agree with you?

perfectstorm · 21/04/2019 19:59

She may have left it up originally for the sake of the GC, and by now it's been there so many years she doesn't even see it. I have family photos on my mantel that I never think about at all. They've been there so long.

She may just not have registered the years passing and the kids growing past the point it means anything to them, in the way taking them down could have when the split first occurred. If your DH finds it weird, and she has no relationship with the ex, he could maybe raise it in a querying, as opposed to grumbling, way? She may simply not have registered that the time to be sensitive to the GC's feelings has passed.

Vandree · 21/04/2019 20:01

My DM has a couple of pictures with my brothers ex up. She is the mother of his child and is therefore always part of our family. The photos are of my db's ex and child and a group one of the childs christening with the whole family and ex. They are family photos as my db's ex is family no matter the relationship any of us have with her. The photos are primarily up for the child as it felt unfair to take down existing photos and replace them with the new wife and child leaving out the dgc's mum. We also always make sure to send slices of cakes home from birthdays or presents home from holidays for the ex and the dgc's new siblings as a small gesture. The way my mum sees it is that we are going to have weddings, births and funerals down the line together we cant just pretend the ex didn't happen. I am sure my new SIL thinks my mum is the MIL from hell as the pictures were put with deliberation and after a lot of thought, they wont be coming down. She has every respect for my dn's mum no matter what their relationship is and tries to show my dn that too.

BlessedFox · 21/04/2019 20:03

I think it would bother me a bit too OP.

However, unless you have a good relationship enough to mention it bothers you and for your MIL to respond positively and sensitively, I’m not sure there’s much you can do without coming across as controlling.

Can your DH say something seeing as it bothers him too?

saraclara · 21/04/2019 20:08

Maybe they have been there for so long that she no longer notices them?

I'd go with that. My MIL and my parents had the same photos on their walls for decades. It would have taken active recognition, thought, and a good reason for them to change them. They were just part of the furniture.

But if anyone's going to mention it to them, it has to be their son.

Eleles · 21/04/2019 20:10

Oh - my MIL and her new husband (of ten years) sleep under a picture of MIL and (deceased) FIL on their wedding day. I find this a bit fucked up.