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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL’s photos of DHs ex

93 replies

FFS12345 · 21/04/2019 19:19

There’s a bit of background, I’ll try to keep it brief. Just been to visit MIL. She lives local to us but DH mostly goes on his own as I work long full time hours and a visit tends to take up a lot of time! It’s difficult to get away once there and I have very little in common with her. Anyway it being Easter Sunday I thought I’d make the effort!

We’ve been married two years this summer and it’s DHs second marriage. She has a lot of photos dotted around her home, as most grandparents do it’s the grand kids, special events, that sort of thing. They’re nice to look at and give a bit of an icebreaker.

There’s a small wedding photo of us with MIL, BIL and SIL that’s a nice family photo which we gave her in a nice frame for mother’s day.

There’s also a group photo from his first marriage 25 years ago. It looks like it’s the group photo of everyone. There’s also a large canvas type picture, A2 sized of DH and ex wife with DSC.

AIBU? Is it not a touch insensitive? There’s loads of pics of the grandchildren (my DSC) at various ages so it’s not like it’s the only one she has.

Can I just point out that I’m not trying to dictate how MIL decorates her home, just asking if it’s a little insensitive after so many years. DH has a fraught relationship with his ex and really doesn’t like these photos being up either.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 21/04/2019 20:10

Why do you think she has these photos up if she’s not close to the ex wife?

gamerwidow · 21/04/2019 20:12

She's probably stopped seeing them if they've been up for that long.
I've just glanced at photo collage I have on my wall and my sisters ex is in one of the pictures and they split up about 6 years ago and he is married with 2 new kids now.

I will try to remember to change that this week

ChickenPieBumFace · 21/04/2019 20:13

OP - whilst PP are correct that there is nothing you can actually do or say about it, YANBU to be irked by it. It's completely normal to feel a bit uncomfortable or even a bit second best. I have a MIL who would do this, but on purpose. She relishes in telling me all about the time she spends with DH ex. And whilst I actually don't give a shit about MIL, it still stings. Nothing rational about it, it just does.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 21/04/2019 20:14

So everybody saying the OP is BU, are u seriously saying that it wouldn't bother you? My in laws did this....except their ex DILs kids weren't my DHs. Ex DIL took pride of place. My DH asked them to take it down. My kids will always come first and if, God forbid, I am ever that fucking insensitive, and they asked me to take a photo like that down, I wouldn't bloody hesitate. I think your DH needs to have words OP

greenpop21 · 21/04/2019 20:15

If there are grandchildren of DH and ex then I think it's ok.

Cwtches123 · 21/04/2019 20:15

I had a very close relationship with my ex mil of 16 years. As soon as we split she took down the large canvas wedding picture of me and exdh that had been on her wall. I didn't ask her to, it just disappeared......she was very hurt the way exdh walked out for ow.

I think it is very strange that your mil keeps the large wedding picture on the wall still!

greenpop21 · 21/04/2019 20:15

It might bother you but you have o suck it up when you get involved with a previously married person.

TanMateix · 21/04/2019 20:17

My mum had a few of my wedding to exh. We are divorced for good reasons but she refused to take them off for years... until I told her that if she didn’t, I was no longer visiting and meant it. I’m sure they are back up as soon as I drive away.

My MIL on the other hand, had no photos of my exh’s exes around and she always was very clear that she disliked them... but someway managed to hand him a full box of photos of his ex girlfriends and ex fiancée as soon as we split... I still don’t know what to make up of it... 🤔

RaffertyFair · 21/04/2019 20:17

I imagine the time to consider removing the pictures would have been at the point where the marriage broke down and your DH and his ex got divorced. Maybe they considered it then but for all the reasons others have suggested re the DGCs they left them up.

This was 10 years you say, so there was a period of years after his divorce and before his marriage to you, when DH could have broached the subject, but presumably didn't. So, I can see how from PILS' point of view it is now a 'non' issue.

What is that you feel so sensitive about?

TanMateix · 21/04/2019 20:18

Ps. I wouldn’t mind a small picture but a huge one in a prominent place? What is she trying to imply?

RoseAndRose · 21/04/2019 20:19

You don't mention FIL.

Dceased? If so, the pix in which she thinks he looks wonderful may well stay up, regardless of who else is in them

Millie2018 · 21/04/2019 20:20

My now MIL had a photo from my husbands first wedding centre place in her living room. I didn’t like it but never commented. No children from that marriage. I’m assuming for her she had happy memories from the day. We had a child, the photo remained. We got married and the photo disappears. Not replaced with our one, just disappears. No idea the rationale, but I’m glad I never mentioned it, despite having the look at it most weekends for the best part of 6 years.

BottleOfJameson · 21/04/2019 20:22

I actually don't think it's that weird. Firstly the photos have probably been up so long they're basically part of the wall paper now and she's used to them. Secondly the wedding photo is just a nice family memory of a day that happened years ago. The fact that her DS is now divorced doesn't suddenly erase the memory for her. If it was a long marriage her exDil was part of the family - even if they weren't close. She's the mother to her DGC. It's a little unfair to expect her to erase all memory of her from her walls. It would be strange if she was putting new photos up with just exDil in them but I wouldn't expect her to cull the memories she already has.

DantesInferno · 21/04/2019 20:24

Oh the step mum / second wife bashing brigade are out tonight! Oh well!

oh dear, its a picture with the DSC in, and happens to have the ex in there as well

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/04/2019 20:28

That wedding, though it contains the Ex-wife, was the starting point of the family that brought your MiL grandkids she probably enjoyed hugely, especially when they were young before you were around. That's not a dig at you - its just the way the course of life often works. For a lot of women it seems grandchildren are, in a way, the pay off for bringing their own children up. They get to do the fun things and only as much as they want, bask in the love and then hand them back when things get tricky, and that's something lots of grandparents really seem to enjoy.

So those photos are probably a reminder of a part of her life she really enjoyed, despite the ex-wife. Your marriage to her son may well be higher up her approval list, but he was older when he did it, probably didn't need her support or approval so much and if you don't have kids it's probably not had anything like as big impact on her life.

Don't take the photos as some kind of indication of approval or anything directed at you at all. I doubt she thinks about it and, really, she shouldn't be decorating her house for you, should she? You're almost never there and she lives there all the time.

insomniacsdream · 21/04/2019 20:28

If there weren't any DC from the marriage I think it would be really strange to keep the wedding picture out, but to her, it's her grandchildren's mother so she probably doesn't think it's strange. The fact it's a wedding photo from a failed marriage does put an odd twist on it though. Id not really want to see photos of my first wedding up in my mum's living room. If it were just a normal family photo of the grandchildren with both of their parents, that would make a lot more sense.

RomanyQueen1 · 21/04/2019 20:36

YABU, what do you expect when you marry somebody with a long history with someone else.
If you never go to see her why should she change the photo's the one time you do decide to make an effort.

TixieLix · 21/04/2019 20:38

Has your DH ever asked his DM why she keeps the photos up OP? Also, does she have a wedding photo displayed of your marriage to her son?

Marilynmansonsthermos · 21/04/2019 20:41

God I think it's really rude and insensitive of the mil. I would have taken that down once they divorced if that was me. Doesn't your DH find it uncomfortable to look at?

RaffertyFair · 21/04/2019 20:43

TixieLix
There’s a small wedding photo of us with MIL, BIL and SIL that’s a nice family photo which we gave her in a nice frame for mother’s day.

Which answers one of your questions but I too wonder if DH has ever mentioned it. Given that the divorce was 10 years ago he's had time.

ExceedExpectations · 21/04/2019 20:45

I think DH is the one who should have a word

And tbh if my mum kept a pic of a failed first marriage where my partner took me to the cleaners, I wouldn’t want to look at it either!

I don’t think you are BU, maybe a sliiiiiight over-reaction and something you need to mention to DH. Why not get a nice pic/canvas to replace? Was she there at your wedding?

However it might just be that MIL barely notices

KittyInTheCradle · 21/04/2019 20:46

This is totally weird!!!!

Am I imagining this right... it's like an EXTREMELY HUGE family portrait with the ex? If it's A2 it surely is pretty much the biggest picture in the house.

I think I'd find that creepy whether I were the new wife OR ex wife.

Sure, people can decorate how they want, but if I were the son/your husband I think I'd find it really weird... like I've moved on, why can't my family??

KittyInTheCradle · 21/04/2019 20:46

Don't think there's anything you can reasonably do/say about it though.

Orangeballon · 21/04/2019 20:48

I was with my ex for 18 years, his mother thought the world of me and wanted me at her funeral when she died. She always said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I went to the funeral and kept a low profile as his current wife was there.

RubberTreePlant · 21/04/2019 20:49

It is probably for the benefit of her DGC.

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