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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting or was DDs dad out of order?

73 replies

Easter12 · 21/04/2019 11:18

Hello
DD11 has a medical condition (I don't want to say exactly what it is in case it's too outing but think something like bad eczema, which isn't life-threatening but there are certain things she needs to do/avoid to do reduce the symptoms). She sees a specialist who says what she can and can't do, let's say one thing is swimming. DDs school is doing swimming lessons which she cannot join in with because the doctor has said not to.
DDs dad knows this and wanted to take her swimming so I texted him and said she still cannot go swimming for a few more weeks as the doctor has said it will make her worse. But he went ahead and took her swimming anyway!
I'm really angry about this as there are a million other things they could have done but he did the one thing that she wasn't allowed to do. It could have also made the symptoms worse which would have had a knock-on effect and she may have needed time off school etc.
She is very shy and does not know him well enough to say no to him so just went along with it but was upset about it afterwards. DDs dad has been absent for most of her life so I don't have a high opinion of him as it is, so maybe that is clouding my judgement and I am being unreasonable? Or was he in the wrong and how do I go about resolving this? Part of me thinks he only took her swimming because I said that's the one thing he couldn't do, so talking to him is not going to do much good!
Any advice would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/04/2019 11:27

He was wrong and obviously didn't care about the side effects.

However at 11, you need to ensure your DD knows to say no to things if they will have effects on her health and not just go along with suggestions of others.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 21/04/2019 11:32

She is very shy and does not know him well enough to say no to him

How does she not know her father well?

Right back to your Q - he' abusive, he's ignoring medical advice, have you actually got this advice in letter form? Because you should be copying him in, then there is no question of a misunderstanding.

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2019 11:40

How easy is it, realistically. For a child to say No to her father?

Get the doctors involved.

bigchris · 21/04/2019 11:41

I'd keep her away from him

Where has he been all her life ?

WonkoTheSane42 · 21/04/2019 11:42

How does she not know her father well?

Did you read the OP?

DDs dad has been absent for most of her life

CarolDanvers · 21/04/2019 11:44

My 11 year olds would have trusted the adult to know best, they wouldn’t have been able to say no.

He sounds like a twat.

BottleOfJameson · 21/04/2019 11:47

YANBU. AT 11 I wouldn't have had the courage or confidence to tell my father who I don't know well I wasn't going swimming. He's a twat.

Original poster
Easter12 · 21/04/2019 11:51

She doesn't know him well as he was not involved for the first 4/5 years at all and since then sees her a couple of times a year if that. Recently he has been seeing her more frequently every 4-5 weeks for an hour and a half. This is through a contact centre where originally they stayed in the centre but now they go out and I pick back up from the centre. I spoke to the centre as I was struggling to get her to go as he used to give her maths tests that were too difficult for her and so she would never want to go (she's also SEN so not as bright as some kids). I spoke to the centre and they said to go to mediation which I am planning to do but it seems to cost a lot of money and I'm not sure what they will be able to do. I thought them going out of the centre would be better. I have told her she needs to say no to him but she says she doesn't want to, so I'm left dealing with the upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Easter12 · 21/04/2019 11:52

Please bear with me as I'm not used to posting on here so may take me a while

OP posts:
Original poster
Easter12 · 21/04/2019 12:00

Also no I do not have the medical advice in letter form. He is not on the birth certificate and so doesn't get told medical information directly from the doctors. There are many other things they can do together apart from that so I didn't think he would do it.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 21/04/2019 12:06

So he can see her in the centre as he can’t be trusted to do as asked for her medical benefit.

ALannisterInDebt · 21/04/2019 12:08

I'm flabbergasted that when seeing her once every 4-5 weeks for an hour and a half he chooses to give her maths tests....what a monumental knob head!

He had no clue about being a parent. None.

KurriKurri · 21/04/2019 12:18

I would say him taking her swimming is his way of saying he doesn't believe you over her medical condition, and I would say him giving her maths tests is his way of saying he doesn't beleive she has SEN. He is passive aggressively saying 'look all you need to do is just take her swimming and give her extra maths - you are doing everything wrong and I am right'

He's a total knob. but you already know that.

I would talk to the mediation people, it will have to go back to supervised contact - if he is going to override medical instructions he is not fit to be alone with her. I can totally understand your DD not being able to say no to him - it must be very hard for her, so I'd say there needs to be something official in place to stop him doing potentially harmful things as he doesn't have the sense to listen when he's told not to do something.

Seeline · 21/04/2019 12:18

Weird being that organised (must have bought swimwear in the right size for DD, bought towels etc) for the one activity he has been told not to do 😕

Bookworm4 · 21/04/2019 12:22

Maths tests?
I'm stuck at that, has barely any relationship with his DD but gives her maths tests???

Tolleshunt · 21/04/2019 12:25

Agree entirely with kurrikurri, she has it.

Sounds like he isn't going to be a loving father to your DD. He's going to struggle to put her needs before his own.

Original poster
Easter12 · 21/04/2019 12:27

Thank you for everybody's opinions I actually thought most people would think I was being unreasonable as it's not a life-threatening condition so I have been letting it play on my mind without saying anything. I have tried to keep things as short as possible as I didn't want to give too much of a biased view. I'm not sure how to reply to specific people in my post but yes many times he says I am not a good mum and I am doing everything wrong not that he's ever stepped in to help! I don't know if has issues with just me or anybody trying to tell him what to do

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 21/04/2019 12:30

He's got the temerity to say you're bad mum, when he's been almost entirely absent from your daughter's life?

Was he abusive when you were together? He sounds like an abuser to me.

Supervised contact only. All communication to go through the contact centre. Do not tolerate him abusing you.

Original poster
Easter12 · 21/04/2019 12:30

Seeline - it was not actually swimming but a different sport that still required things being brought to play with. The medical condition caused an injury and playing that sport puts a strain on that injury and if she injures it again it could be a permanent problem. I didn't want to say exactly what it is incase it was too outing

OP posts:
Original poster
Easter12 · 21/04/2019 12:32

When I have mentioned giving her tests before he says that he is encouraging her to learn and I am in the wrong for saying he shouldn't. It sounds petty me being annoyed he is giving her work to do when there are worse things in life but to her it's a big deal and If it was me I would be trying to have fun so she gets to know me and like me more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Easter12 · 21/04/2019 12:35

Tolleshunt - No he was not abusive as we were only young when we met and I had only known him a couple of weeks before I fell pregnant (not great I know) and he didn't want to be involved so I had little to no contact with him after I found out I was pregnant.

OP posts:
Seeline · 21/04/2019 12:37

I see - still it's the fact that he has obviously thought about it in advance, and still thought it a good idea that is wrong! If it was something where he had turned up for contact, and had a bit of a panic that he hadn't arranged anything to do, you could almost forgive him. But to have thought about it, and decided that something that could cause DD permanent damage was the best way to spend an afternoon is unjustifiable!

Original poster
Easter12 · 21/04/2019 12:40

Yes exactly and if he had maybe forgotten she couldn't do that particular thing I would be less annoyed but I had texted him and specifically said she cannot do that one thing.

OP posts:
Selmababies · 21/04/2019 13:39

Yes exactly and if he had maybe forgotten she couldn't do that particular thing I would be less annoyed but I had texted him and specifically said she cannot do that one thing.

He's clearly telling you that he has no intention of abiding by anything you say. His arrogance is astounding and his actions can do permanent damage to your dd.

You must be raging! I'd only use the contact centre in future, and also tell him that you'll stop that too if there are any more 'tests' of any kind.

Does your dd want to continue seeing him? It sounds as though she's not getting that much out of it at the moment. Could you consider less regular contact at the centre, maybe a few times a year? This would 'keep the door open' for future contact when your dd is older and maybe get more out of the contact with her father.

Original poster
Easter12 · 21/04/2019 14:21

My DD doesn't want to see him but I make her because I thought that that was the best thing to do for her so she knows who her dad is and also so when she's older she can see that I tried my best to get them to have a relationship. His ideal situation would be to see her when it suits him and he will turn up at my door demanding to see her because he's her father but then I won't hear from him again for over a year and so by arranging regular contact he can't say I have stopped him, which I can imagine he tells people.

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