Am I over reacting or was DDs dad out of order?

[Easter12]

Hello
DD11 has a medical condition (I don't want to say exactly what it is in case it's too outing but think something like bad eczema, which isn't life-threatening but there are certain things she needs to do/avoid to do reduce the symptoms). She sees a specialist who says what she can and can't do, let's say one thing is swimming. DDs school is doing swimming lessons which she cannot join in with because the doctor has said not to.
DDs dad knows this and wanted to take her swimming so I texted him and said she still cannot go swimming for a few more weeks as the doctor has said it will make her worse. But he went ahead and took her swimming anyway!
I'm really angry about this as there are a million other things they could have done but he did the one thing that she wasn't allowed to do. It could have also made the symptoms worse which would have had a knock-on effect and she may have needed time off school etc.
She is very shy and does not know him well enough to say no to him so just went along with it but was upset about it afterwards. DDs dad has been absent for most of her life so I don't have a high opinion of him as it is, so maybe that is clouding my judgement and I am being unreasonable? Or was he in the wrong and how do I go about resolving this? Part of me thinks he only took her swimming because I said that's the one thing he couldn't do, so talking to him is not going to do much good!
Any advice would be really appreciated.

If he isn’t on the birth certificate I assume he has no parental responsibility, so you are under no legal obligation to allow contact.
If this is the case surely you can refuse contact anywhere but the contact centre on the basis he has put her at risk medically?

She isn't gaining anything from having contact with a dad like this, honestly.

Just tell him no. If she doesn’t want to go don’t make her. If he doesn’t like it he can fuck off back to where he’s been for the last 11 years.

It doesn't matter what he whats, he is bringing nothing beneficial to your DD life, and she doesn't want to see him. You tried but tbh I would try my best to keep my DD away from a controlling arse like that.

In view of your latest post, I'd talk to your daughter about how she would feel about just seeing him a couple of times a year, either in a contact centre or ideally supervised by a friend in a public place for a few hours. Things like meeting up for brunch and a walk, or doing some other activity followed by a meal out which gives them a bit of time to talk.
Whatever you choose, make sure it's geared towards what dd would like, not what he wants.
If your daughter continues to feel that she doesn't want the contact after a year or two, then you could think about stopping it altogether and just have a bit of postal contact and exchange of photos etc.
If he doesn't like the arrangements, tell him he can go to court for contact. I bet he wouldn't though.

I really appreciate everyone's advice. I spoke to the contact centre about struggling to get her to go and being fed up of making her go and then he does things like this and the tests etc. which is obviously going to make it even more difficult next time and they suggested going to mediation.
Do you think it is worth going to mediation and trying to find some sort of resolution? Some people have said she is too young to be making her own mind up about whether she wants to see him and she shouldn't have a choice until she is older but If I was her I wouldn't want to see him either. I also worry if I stop contact he will just keep turning up at my door and he knows I wouldn't want to make a scene in front of my daughter so I am always nice to him when she is around.

Mediation sounds like a good plan to me. It will help emphasise that compromise is important and therefore your ex doesn't just get to do exactly what he wants.

I would also reconsider your approach to him showing up without notice. He's worked out that you don't want face to face confrontation so if he just turns up he can get his own way - that weirdly rewards him for not behaving well. You don't have to 'make a scene' - practice being calm but firm and saying you have other plans so now isn't convenient.

Mediation sounds like it could be worthwhile. I think you need to let him know that your dd is not keen to see him though, and get him to look at ways to improve the contact time for her. I'd still consider lessening it though.
Make sure you discuss him not turning up on your doorstep at mediation- he really shouldn't be doing this!
He sounds as though he lacks boundaries, so discuss this in mediation in depth.It may well not make any difference to his decision making in the future but at least you will know that you tried to reach agreement.

You are making a child with SEN see a person she barely knows against her will. That person has no parental responsibility for the child and until recently has shown no sign of having anywhere near an acceptable level of moral responsibility for his daughter. He treats her badly when he does see her.

I know you think you are doing your best by encouraging a relationship but as the situation is set out above do you really think this is best for your daughter?

This is a good time for her to have some practice at saying no it's not about refusing to do her homework, it's about her health and well being and that trumps his desire to do what he wants.

Forcing her to see him is not right at 11 imho.

At 11 she is on her way to becoming a young woman and by forcing her to go you are teaching her that a man matters more than her feelings. She is getting nothing out of these visits. I would stop them and tell him he’ll need to arrange mediation before she can see him again. I’d also call the police anytime he turned up at my door unsolicited and I’d tell him that too.

I agree with Travis1 Time to stop the visits now and listen to your dd. If she doesn't want to see him then it's unfair to force her. If you have texted him to say not to do that activity, keep screenshots of the messages. He has deliberately defied you and could have put your dd at risk of further injury just to score a point. He's a dick. Is his access court ordered? Does he pay maintenance?

I completely agree with all the comments on this thread. I don't really talk to people in RL about these things and it has really opened my eyes. I have left a lot of things out too as I wanted unbiased opinions but actually after reading all of your comments which are only based on 2 things then I am not helping my DD at all.
And I agree he is using the fact that I don't want confrontation around my DD to do what he wants - and maybe why she also doesn't like saying no to him!
I went through CSA to get maintenance about 3 years ago as he said he didn't want to see her anymore and then started demanding to see her again ( which has happened every since he got involved) so I said I'm not having him keep coming in and out of her life and if he wants to see her it will have to be regular contact and he will need to start paying for her.
The contact isn't court ordered. I originally wanted a contact centre as a few years ago when he first wanted to be involved he turned up asking to see her and take her to the park around the corner from mine, I was pleased he wanted to start seeing her and had no reason to worry but he said he would only be half an hour as I was already cooking her tea but 3 hours later I hadn't heard from him or couldn't get hold of him and I had no idea where him or any of his family lived etc. After that he chose not to be involved again and then when he did want to she really didn't want to see him so I said it could only be through the contact centre as I didn't trust him and she didn't want to be left alone with him. This is the second contact centre I have tried as I felt it was the best way they could see each other whilst he had to bring her back at a certain time and she would feel more comfortable.

Sorry I'm not trying to drip feed but I don't like him because of the things that have happened in the past and he says I keep living in the past and not moving on and giving him a proper chance

First he has to prove consistently over time that he can be reliable, that he can keep your DD safe, and that seeing him has some benefit for her, not for him. Contact is intended to be for the child's benefit, which he'd do well to remember. She is your priority and all decisions and boundaries are based on what's best for her rather than him. That's what you can tell him.

Yes you have worded it really well. I really need to re-think if she is benefitting in any way from this relationship as others have suggested too

How in merry hell can it be outing ?????

Honestly? Given the background if I were you I'd be fighting as hard as possible NOT to allow contact.

Have you been forced to provide contact? What legal advice and support are you getting about this?

If there was abuse in your relationship (and like others I feel this is likely) you need to get that recognised so that you can access legal aid. You may want to consider contacting women's aid, ncdv, barnardos etc who can provide support where there's issues like this.

It's abusive behaviour towards your daughter. Get your dr on board, get everything in writing and EVERY TIME he ignores her needs get it recorded.

Sorry but I think you've been wrong to force contact with him. He is bringing nothing positive to your dds life, she is plenty old enough to be listened to if she doesn't want to see him.

Like hell would I have let him back in my child's life after fucking off like that regardless of the circumstances of her conception.

What he tells people, what they think is the LEAST important thing here. Your dds health and happiness have to be your priority.

If he shows up uninvited at your home you tell him to get lost! He has NO right to do this and if he persists you make a complaint of harassment to the police.

What exactly happened when he came back into her life? WHY did he after so long? (I suspect a new girlfriend who rightly thought he was a shit dad and he tried to change her mind) has he been paying maintenance? Has he sent birthday and Christmas cards/presents?

Frankly no dad is better than a crap one especially when crap = abusive.

I'm shocked you let him just take her after several years of no contact! How well did you know him even when you got pregnant? A few weeks apparently? That's crazy just handing her over!

I think you need serious help regarding what are healthy safe boundaries for your dd.

You barely know this guy. I would not be letting an 11 year old who doesn't even have the confidence to say no to an activity that could cause her permanent harm be alone with this guy.

You n ex to get legal advice regarding your situation. With what little you have told us it’s obvious he is not a good influence in her life. She does not want to see him for a reason so it makes you wonder what else happens when she is with him. What other incidents have happened in the past that you are not telling?

There are a few reasons why I fight so hard to have him in her life 1- I think everyone should know their mum and dad, 2- so she doesn't resent me when she grows up, 3- so he can never turn around and say I stop him, 4- because he has a responsibility that he keeps saying he wants to see her but then doesn't step up. I feel like I can't stop him seeing her as he's her dad and apparently him being absent at the beginning of her life means nothing and I should forget the past and focus on the future if I say he can't see her I guarantee he will be at my door so quickly and constantly harassing me wanting to see her whereas now I am saying he needs to see her he is doing the bare minimum, so I see it as the better option. My worry is that he will take me to court and she will have to be involved too and he has already said to her I will be in trouble with the police if she doesn't see him and so I am trying to not cause her stress. She also doesn't know that he has not wanted to see her as I always made excuses for him and I would hate for her to think he sees her as an inconvenience or something!

I do probably worry too much about what he tells people as I don't want people to think I am a bad mum but this is definitely something I'm not going to worry about because I have never stopped him and it seems he is telling people that anyway so I can't win. But I do feel people judge me a lot even at the contact centre the lady was really funny with me and said why couldn't I let him see my DD more often! I said he hadn't seen her for 2 years and asked him what days and times he could do and then arranged the centre myself and he said he couldn't see her anymore than that but he must have told them i'm only allowing him to see her that often. He is very friendly to them and acts like he can do no wrong.

There are many incidents all are minor but they all add up and they make my DD not want to see him and then he'll accuse me of poisoning her mind. Obviously he was absent for the start of her life so never provided money, clothes, nappies, birthday cards/presents etc, wasn't there for scans/birth and didn't want to be told etc. DD was very poorly when born and he refused to speak to midwife on a couple of occasions to ask about family health history and if he wanted to be there if she didn't pull through etc he was abgry I had given them his number and blocked mine so couldn't ring him again. I don't know why he wanted to get invloved when he did I thought he had just grown up but I think a gf/friends may have had something to do with it. He said he would never do anything fun with her as he is only there to be the one to discipline her (don't know how much he says to try and wind me up as he spent ages pretending to forget her name which surely is impossible!). Told me in front of her that I had ruined his life by having her as he wanted to go uni (I went to uni and work and now retraining all whilst having her with no help). About 6 months ago set her work that she forgot to do (researching a certain fruit and writing about it) and lectured her about how dissapointed he was that her father had asked her to do something and she hadn't done it, soshe came home upset and I texted him saying he needs to stop as she already has enough homework from school and he's not there to set work and his reply was she needs to grow up and understand lifes not a game. He found out she had a school party so turned up at mine just before we were leaving and made her sit in his car and she missed the party. Arranging to meet at certain places at certain times, not turning up and then denying ever saying it (even though I have the texts still). When he first got involved he said he could only see her between 10-2 during the week and I wouldn't let her have time off school so he accused me of stopping him seeing her because I was jealous of their bond. This has also happened recently too as he wants to ring her during the day. He also slags me off when he sees DD which is not great when you are trying to get that person to like you. I have never slagged him off in front of DD. There are many many examples of him being a twat and too many to list but my main problem is the fact he wants to be involved in her life one minute and then goes months (one time it was 2 years) with zero contact not even a text and then rings or turns up demanding to see her and says I'm jelous and controlling if I say he can't keep messing her about. Sorry this has turned into a rant now!

If someone else write that would you be thinking “that mum should be going out of her way to have their child see her dad even when the child has said she doesn’t want to?”

Didn’t think so

Ok

1 as previously stated no parent is better than a crap one!

2 if you explain the situation carefully and sensibly plus she KNOWS how much love her. Trust me I've an 18 year old and even with the delights of teenhood she tells me she knows full well I am the one that's been there for her, not her dad. She understands that was HIS choice, his decision. Kids aren't stupid

3 you need to learn to care MUCH less what this ignorant, abusive waste of space thinks! He has NO right to criticise you at all

4 you CAN stop him seeing her if - as is clear - it is not benefitting HER to sw him. Biology doesn't automatically make him a good father or a positive person to have in her life.

You reassure her that you are perfectly capable of dealing with this tosser and you SHOW her that by your actions.

Stop being so passive!

Don't be manipulated by the contact centre people who've stupidly fallen for his bullshit (in their job they really should know better!)

Your daughter is NOT an "I'm a good bloke" accessory for him to pick up and drop on a whim!

Seriously you are enabling his abuse of your daughter - stop it!