Am I over reacting or was DDs dad out of order?

[Easter12]

Hello
DD11 has a medical condition (I don't want to say exactly what it is in case it's too outing but think something like bad eczema, which isn't life-threatening but there are certain things she needs to do/avoid to do reduce the symptoms). She sees a specialist who says what she can and can't do, let's say one thing is swimming. DDs school is doing swimming lessons which she cannot join in with because the doctor has said not to.
DDs dad knows this and wanted to take her swimming so I texted him and said she still cannot go swimming for a few more weeks as the doctor has said it will make her worse. But he went ahead and took her swimming anyway!
I'm really angry about this as there are a million other things they could have done but he did the one thing that she wasn't allowed to do. It could have also made the symptoms worse which would have had a knock-on effect and she may have needed time off school etc.
She is very shy and does not know him well enough to say no to him so just went along with it but was upset about it afterwards. DDs dad has been absent for most of her life so I don't have a high opinion of him as it is, so maybe that is clouding my judgement and I am being unreasonable? Or was he in the wrong and how do I go about resolving this? Part of me thinks he only took her swimming because I said that's the one thing he couldn't do, so talking to him is not going to do much good!
Any advice would be really appreciated.

When I put all the reasons together he's obviously not a good influence on her but when they are separate I come across as being really unreasonable and not doing what's in her best interests e.g. giving her maths tests - he is trying to teach her new things where as I am not. Him taking her to do the sport - she doesn't have a life-threatening condition and it didn't make her condition worse and so I am trying to find fault in him.
People have told me I am being unreasonable as these things are minor and there are parents who act a lot worse, which is why I came on here as I wasn't sure if I was over-reacting or not. And if I went to court they would tell me I have no reason to stop contact as these are minor things and I would have no choice but to let him have parental responsibilty where I could do nothing about it.
I feel like I have no choice but to let him see her.

He's abusive to her, much as he has apparently managed to hoodwink the contact centre staff that he is Father of the Year .

Not only is there no benefit to her in seeing him, it will be actively damaging to her for you to pursue his contact with her.

I hope you have written evidence of his actions, e.g. you have kept the text where you said she wasn't to do the activity he then rushed out to get her to do? If not, start keeping a paper trail now. If he wants to see her, he can pursue it through the courts. Your paper trail will prove he has shown himself to be unwilling to put her interests ahead of his own. It sounds very much like he won't be arsed to do that, in any case. He clearly doesn't love her.

Stay strong!! I'd be willing to bet that though he will kick off initially, he will quickly lose interest and fade away again.

Who is telling you you're being unreasonable? Do they have all the facts?

For everyone confused as to why she would be shy around her father, please show a bit more sympathy for a situation you clearly don’t understand.

As a child I went from seeing my dad every weekend to twice a year. I became shy around him and wouldn’t have been able to say no to him in that situation and I completely understand it from the poor girl’s perspective!

Yes I have kept as many texts as I can including where I said the doctor said she can't do that activity yet. I have even told him to only communicate through text as I won't answer if he rings as he denies things at a later date. Sometimes he is very convincing and at times I wonder if he genuinely believes his own lies!

And no the people who I ask advice only have the facts separately and not as a whole, which probably does come across as I am overreacting. But if I gave examples of other things they might think I am just bitching about him or something. I have read posts on here where some people are hurt about the break up and use the kids as a weapon and I think people think I am like that or something so automatically stick up for him and if it is a friend of mine they would stick up for me just because I am their friend, so I don't get actual honest opinions.

My DD is quite shy in general too but sometimes I get fustrated because she will tell me she doen't want to see him and then he will speak to her and ask her and she will just agree and then get upset with me over it! I say you need to start saying how you feel else it isn't going to change but she just won't but I do understand and I am not setting the best example either.

Right. I don't mean this unkindly, but you've had it wrong all this time when you've given in to him thinking that it was best for your daughter to see him. Never mind what he says: who the hell is he to judge what makes good parenting, when he's been such a shitty one himself? He shouldn't be telling you that he's right about that and you're wrong when he has NO FUCKING IDEA what it takes. Stop listening to him! Here on this thread loads of us who have actually been around and done the hard yards of parenting are telling you he's a waste of space as a parent. It's time to protect your daughter from this, after his latest display of deliberate manipulation and putting her at risk. Not to continue to facilitate it.

I know all this is much easier said than done, so you need to enlist help. This thread might be part of that, but have you also got friends IRL who can support you, maybe who can role play conversations where you practise standing up to him? Can you seek out counselling or assertiveness training? AnneDickson's book A Woman In Your Own Right would be a good starting point. Look up 'broken record technique' too to avoid getting into arguments with him where you are pressured to justify yourself.

If contact isn't court ordered, I'd stop it. If he shows up at the house causing a scene, call the police. If he doesn't have PR he would first have to take you to court for that, then again if he wants access but you refuse. He would then have to prove access would be in your dc's best interests.

The only important thing is how your daughter feels.

If she doesn't want to then don't force her. Some kids need a bit of gentle encouragement on occasion because of things like, wanting to go out with their friends at home instead or similar but it seems your daughter just does not want to see him.

If this went to court her feelings would definitely be taking into consideration, especially at age 11. You should he able to get a free first consultation with a lawyer so you know what you could face.

Everything is centred round the CHILD'S best interests, the parents don't come into it.

It's great that you have the paper trail.

Remember that phrase 'opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one, and they all stink'?

That's something you need to keep at the forefront of your mind right now.

The people who think you are unreasonable for not wanting your DD to see him may be thinking this for all sorts of reasons, e.g. they are not in possession of the full facts; they have their own issues they are unconsciously bringing to bear on the situation; they have been taken in by the PR efforts of the slimy toad; they have a grudge against you. Or whatever. The point is, their opinions do not matter.

It is YOUR judgement, and yours alone, that matters here. You know your DD better than anyone. You know him. You know how he has behaved atrociously. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

Remember that phrase above, ^ every time somebody is ill-mannered enough to voice their opinion. Especially if it's him. Fuck them. Fuck him. Make your decision, be confident you are doing the right thing, and carry on regardless.

OP This man is abusive! I think I would be trying to get some sort of restraining order out on him (don't even know if that's possible, but it's something I would definitely be checking).
Who cares what he says to other people about you, your child's welfare is more important.
You need to let your daughter know she is right in how she feels about this man, not telling her that she has to see him and never confirming her feelings, that actually, he is a prick.

Why do people breed with brain dead idiots like him?!

Please please please stop making her see him. I was in a similar - if somewhat on the milder side of your daughters - situation in my teens and I consequently have the most damaging relationship with my Father. It's had a knock on effect on me in so many ways and at 24 I'm still in masses of therapy to get to the bottom of some of the EA. I so so wish my Mum had been brave enough to stop the contact on my behalf - because I would never have been able to make my opinions or thoughts known to him. You've had some good practical advice on here, please listen!

My worry is that he will take me to court and she will have to be involved too and he has already said to her I will be in trouble with the police if she doesn't see him and so I am trying to not cause her stress.

He has basically emotionally blackmailed her into seeing him when she doesn't want to with a terrifying threat against her mum. She is involved, and stressed, in a horrible way.

It seems like a lot of the things you are worried about are what he says to you, not the reality of the situation.

You say you think she should know her dad, well she does, and she says she doesn't want to see him any more. You should not be forcing her at age 11, and as PP said, if you went to court they would ask her at her age what she wanted and she would say and that would be that.

Stop making her see him. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to, he initially showed little interest in her and he doesn't have parental rights anyway.

What sort of a fuckwit parent gives his child maths tests during the only contact he has with her, and ignores medical advice not to take her swimming?

My worry is that he will take me to court and she will have to be involved too and he has already said to her I will be in trouble with the police if she doesn't see him

i would be stopping contact now!, he told her you will be in trouble with the police if she doesnt see him???????? SERIOUSLY??????? he said that?????
well if he isnt on the Birth certificate then he needs to go to court for a dna test and apply to be placed on the BC, then he needs to go back to court and apply for the right to have her some of the time, he also needs to be paying child support, and all your evidence and her wishes will be taken into account in how much if any time he gets
If she doesnt want to see him, tell him nope not today and if he turns up call the police, at this point in time he has no legal rights
Stand up for her, protect her, be her mother, the lioness!!!

Sorry I went to sleep last night so only just read the new messages. I completely agree with everything that everybody has been saying and I genuinely appreciate all the advice you have given. I have no one in RL to talk to about these things and live alone so when they happen I go over it in my head and they end up getting pushed to the side and I think I am just over-reacting ( he probably also reinforces this). I get more annoyed when he doesn't see her which overtakes anything else. It is also a lot easier for me to be a single mum without his involvement which is crazy but it is something I have always done and I am used to it and when he comes into her life, he doesn't help he just causes stress.

I am overly paranoid about being a good mum (maybe more so because I am young, a single parent and only have this 1 child) and so I am worried about what people think as a PP has said, and in the back of mind I am worried that it makes me a bad parent to stop my DD seeing her dad. BUT after all your comments it has got me thinking I am not stopping her because I am jealous or whatever, I have tried my absolute hardest to force them to have a relationship and ultimately she doesn't want to. I also thought she was too young to make her own mind up but as everyone on here has said at 11 she knows her own mind, so I am doing what she wants and when she's older she will know that I did what she wanted to do.
What also got me thinking last night is that I am in the process of starting mediation. This was suggested from the contact centre as they said we needed to increase the visits but he wouldn't and then I said I was fed up of trying so hard to get her to go every time and then him doing maths tests etc with her! I am doing everything and he is not helping me at all and I am also waiting for him to randomly stop contact which happens every time. So I have to ring the mediation and set up a meeting and either pay half with him or pay it all myself and I was lying in bed last night thinking WTF am I doing! It shouldn't be me taking him to mediation trying to form a relationship with him and his DD, it should be him taking me because he wants to see her more and i'm not letting him or something! She doesn't want to see him and by his actions, he doesn't really want to see her either so why am I putting all this time, energy and money into their relationship!

So the next steps! I am not really sure what to do now but I am going to have a proper talk with my daughter and make sure she definitely doesn't want to see him but I'm not sure where to go from there:

1. She starts secondary school in September so I could just continue as things are until then, dropping and picking up at the contact centre and if she doesn't want to see him after September I will stop. He has only ever seen her a few times and then stops contact so chances are he will stop contact before September anyway.

1. Continue as is but continue to sort mediation, I don't know how long this takes.

1. Stop contact until I have sorted mediation. Although I think mediation might just tell me to do what I am doing now as the contact centre doesn't think his actions are bad enough to stop contact and want to increase it.

1. Stop all contact and tell him he can take me to court/mediation if he wants to see her (instead of me sorting it all out).

I have no idea how to word it to him or the contact etc. I may just keep it short and say my DD doesn't want a relationship with him and I feel I am damaging her if I let it continue. If he turns up at mine I will tell him to F off and say I will ring the police which would ultimately go against him in court. I am very paranoid about arguing with him in front of my DD or any man and would never want her to see that (I have never even introduced her to a bf and why I am still single - maybe for a different thread lol) but by me being so passive around him he is taking advantage of that as others have said and it is having more of a negative effect on her teaching her to go along with a man even when you don't want to just so you don't create a scene. I know she worries about me too so maybe she thinks I am scared of him ( I'm not I just can't stand him so don't want to talk to him more than I need to) so I definitely need to be less passive and stand up for her and myself more!

Thank you so much for everyone's replies! I genuinely thought I was going to get flamed for being a terrible mum and that her dad is only trying his best! I wish I came on here ages ago, I don't talk to people in RL about it much and even just saying it out loud has allowed me to get it off my chest and I can be a better mum by taking everyones advice on board.

Definitely do number 4

Remember he has no legal rights in respect of your daughter because he does not have parental responsibility. If he is serious about pursuing a relationship he would have done something about this already.

Keep your daughter’s feelings at the centre of this. I think you have realised now that you have put too much weight on what others think and the notion of being a “good mum” over her best interests

And at 11 she is perfectly capable of understanding and accepting that you have a life and might want one day to share it with someone. Motherhood does not equal martyrdom - live your life!!

Number 4.

He won't bother going to court etc, so it's the easiest way to get him out of yours and DD's life without being the 'bad guy'.

Number 4

Let him threaten, keep all the evidence.

Let your DD be happy. It’s a shitty time school wise as she’s got SATs which are stressful in their own right.

She doesn’t need her dick of a sperm donor stressing her out further.

My friends DD had contact via a centre. At aged 5 she told the staff at the contact centre she didn’t want to see her dad.

They helped her and contact wasn’t forced again. The dad disappeared (he occasionally makes stalker type visits to put cash through the door but that’s it)

I agree and all your advice has made me realize its definitely the best decision for my daughter. If she ever wants to see him I will go out of my way to try and sort that but as she is still saying she doesn't I will not force her anymore. I already feel a massive weight off my shoulders and I am so thankful for everyone's advice and opinions!

Number 4. Why wait until September when you already know it is wrong. Why force her to be miserable and suffer maths tests during her contact with him for another 5 months?

The maths tests and the swimming could be just the tip of the iceberg with regard to his twattery. There could be other stuff you haven't been told about yet.

Get her out of that situation now, not in 5 months time!

A million % with everyone else here. Option number 4. He’s proved himself to be a shit dad and actively damaging her. If he wants access he’s going to have to prove to everyone that he’s serious. That’s not on you. You have done your part. To continue to facilitate the current situation is doing your daughter a great disservice and I am afraid some part of this is because you are so afraid of doing the wrong thing and therefore forcing a relationship. Please get this thinking out of your head!!!

I know it’s so hard, and best of luck.

I completely agree with everyone. It definitely reassures me when there's more than one person saying the same thing so I am so grateful and appreciate each person giving their advice and opinions.