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Original poster

Is it selfish to divorce a good man?

54 replies

NC2019X · 21/04/2019 10:14

I’m 27, no DC, been together 5 years (married two yrs). There’s nothing terribly wrong with our marriage in that DH is kind and very much loves me, but I’m bored. For the last year or so, things have just felt very mundane. DH is attractive, but I no longer feel any sexual desire towards him. We had a fantastic sex life for the first few years and a wonderful, passionate relationship in general but the thought of being touched by him in a sexual way now feels wrong and makes me squirm. I’m ashamed to say I often fantasise about leaving DH and meeting another man. It’s like a little dreamworld I’ve created in my head and it’s the only real hope I feel.

We get on fine day to day and rarely argue, but when he’s talking to me I feel myself wishing he’d shut up. Little things he does like the way he eats or coughs has come to irritate me. I no longer have any real interest in what he has to say or get any joy out of the marriage and in general it just feels like things have run its course.

I feel awful as DH is nothing but kind to me and we have a good life. I’ve spoken to DH about how I’m feeling but there’s little he can do. I can’t pinpoint anything that has happened to cause me to feel this way. DH says I’m his soulmate, I know he loves me unconditionally and would be broken if I ended things.

I wonder whether my expectations of marriage are just unrealistic and I need to put more work in, but it feels like we’d be flogging a dead horse. Would I be stupid to end things in search of something more?

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 21/04/2019 10:18

It's ok to outgrow someone or find out you are not a match after all. The only bad thing would be to continue staying in a marriage you are not happy in. For both of you.

Shoxfordian · 21/04/2019 10:25

Sounds like you don't love him the same way anymore so you should end it and be happy. He'll find someone who loves him like he should be loved

ZazieTheBruce · 21/04/2019 10:25

You don’t owe anyone a relationship, and you’ve no DC, so Idon’t think it would be selfish per se to get a divorce.

However, it does sound like you’re aware yourself that there might be something there worth saving or getting back to.

In a similar situation I found a book called “The Five Love Languages” pretty helpful. It’s about how people express and receive love/respect/thoughtfulness in different ways.

There is a website too, with a questionnaire to determine your own preferred style www.5lovelanguages.com/. We both did the questionnaire and found it pretty helpful.

We basically both made an effort to express love in the other’s preferred style a bit more, and became more aware of when the other was expressing something meaningful to them which we had previously been a bit oblivious too.

That meant we connected more and understood one another more, began naturally inclined to spending more time together and it went from there.

To be honest though, I think the main part of it was that we were both prepared to do the quiz and make some little changes. It showed one another we were both prepared to make a bit of an effort and I think that helped us both let our guard down and get the spark back.

Childrenofthestones · 21/04/2019 10:27

You don't say how old he is but you should separate now to give him another chance at finding happiness while he is young enough to enjoy it.
He sounds lovely.

There are any number of women that settle with selfish lazy pricks.
I'm sure a good looking guy, good at sex that is loving and attentive and provides a good life will have no trouble finding somebody that appreciate him and loves him back.
Sorry you feel the way you do, you can't help it.
Best of luck finding Mr right.

HBStowe · 21/04/2019 10:29

It’s ok for you to divorce for any reason if you’re no longer happy in your marriage. That said, if there was nothing obviously wrong I would always try every option to salvage the relationship first. So I would try relationship counselling before divorce. It’s possible to revive a spark (and important to remember that the honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever in any relationship - so it’s unlikely that it would in the long term be better with anyone else unless you were willing to put in the work instead).

Ultimately, however, if you aren’t happy there really isn’t any point in staying. I would just try and fix things first, if it can be done.

bsc · 21/04/2019 10:30

Are you really going to spend the next 70 years keeping him happy?
You are entitled to happiness in a mutually loving relationship too. You can separate for your sake, you don't have to stay together for his.
This is your only life- you need to live it for yourself Thanks

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 21/04/2019 10:31

Just remember Mr Grass is Greener or Mr Exiting usually have form for - womanising/adultery/gambling/drinking/incessant playing of sports/the odd 'slap'/and whacking a line up their nose.

He'll eventually be happier without you.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/04/2019 10:31

Why did you marry him? It's only been two years so I would wonder what had changed since you made your vows.

Given there are no children you could leave with what you bought and let him find someone else. I'd be wary of getting married again though if all it is is lost of interest.

JacquesHammer · 21/04/2019 10:33

No of course it isn’t.

We were in a similar situation (except with one child). We simply decided that “is this it?” wasnt what we both wanted.

We’re now, both, eminently happier - him married again and me single.

Can you really put your own feelings aside for the rest of your life?

NoSauce · 21/04/2019 10:35

Sounds like you should leave him for both your sakes. He will be devastated obviously but hopefully he will find someone who loves him again.

Just be mindful OP that the next man you end up with will probably annoy you too once the initial attraction has worn off. Being married isn’t all sunshine and roses, it does take its toll at times but there’s a lot to be said for being with someone that cares about you, who understands you and puts up with all your foibles.

AnnieMay100 · 21/04/2019 10:38

No it’s not selfish at all just because he’s a good man doesn’t mean you have to stay in an unhappy marriage. There’s someone right for both of you but maybe not each other. You can’t live your life on routine and keeping other people happy. I’m divorced and although my exh was a good man at first we weren’t happy together and eventually the real him began to show. I’m glad I saw that side and moved on and I’m now happier single than I was married.

IdaBWells · 21/04/2019 10:39

I think before you throw in the towel you owe to yourself and your husband a truly meaningful try at making your marriage work. I think you should try marriage counseling. Sometimes unrelated stuff we are not aware of can actually prevent our happiness and encourage us to take for granted peace and contentment. This can manifest as an assumption that there is “not enough excitement” but the excitement you want might not really be the best thing for you and you are self-sabotaging.

Before you throw away what sounds like a relationship that offers you a tremendous amount, do the work to make sure there is no way it can be saved. I am assuming you made vows, if they were “for better, for worse” you can at least invest some time, energy and money to make sure there is no alternative to breaking up.

Wildrose19 · 21/04/2019 10:40

I don’t think you should leave because you are looking for a spark with someone else. What if you don’t find it?

Leaving him because it is the end between you, that’s different.

JacquesHammer · 21/04/2019 10:41

Just another thought, it doesn’t matter how good a man he is. If he isn’t the one you want, or the right man for you then it simply won’t work.

Ending a marriage isn’t necessarily a criticism of either party, it’s simply acknowledging as a couple you don’t work.

holly873 · 21/04/2019 10:43

You don't know what you got until you lose it......

Effic · 21/04/2019 10:54

NC2019X
Same boat here - but much older than you and no dc with him. Having been in a long marriage with a v difficult man, to find my current partner was such a joy. Wonderful, adores me, supportive, kind, gets on really well with my teenage son and all my friends and family, does more than his fair share of all the household tasks incl all the cooking and ironing which I hate, good job etc etc but I’m soooooo bored. And he’s so in love with me. Happiest he’s ever been etc. It’s really really hard but I’m coming to the conclusion that actually me not wanting to feel like a dreadful bitch is less important than him being put through an endless emotional wringer of continuing to pour his heart and soul into something he can’t actually make any better. As for how it’s making me feel about myself, I figure that’s the price I’m going to pay. I wish it was different but it’s not Sad I’ve just got to do it now.....

TheFastandCurious · 21/04/2019 10:58

No you don’t have unrealistic expectations of marriage. It definitely doesn’t have to be like that although lots of people ‘settle’ as they believe, ‘that’s just how it is’ after a few years.

It’s not. You both deserve better. It’s not fair on either of you to continue.

You only get one shot at life OP.

Trills · 21/04/2019 11:00

Relationships are a time when you should be "selfish" to some degree.

You don't owe anyone a relationship. You are not obliged to stay with someone just because they want to.

woodcutbirds · 21/04/2019 11:01

When there are no children involved, then I think it's OK to walk away. Not easy, but better than spending the rest of your life with someone you don't want to be with.

EngagedAgain · 21/04/2019 11:01

If the way he eats and coughs, and you don't like him talking to you, it doesn't sound like there is much hope, unless you can get past that. Really there is probably more to it than that, as anyone could be irritating when they cough or eat, or talk. So, it's either you, that is sensitive to these things, or you really aren't compatible, but I expect it's the latter.

Preggosaurus9 · 21/04/2019 11:09

So you've been together since 22. Did you play the field before then? Is he the only man you've slept with? Do you think the boredom comes from fear of missing out?

Equally thinking about the future - do you want his babies? A trial separation might help clarify your feelings.

At 27 you would be able to find someone else to settle down with if you get on with it. I wouldn't recommend dossing around until 30/32 though. Get on with it if you do want to have a married lifestyle and have kids especially. Aware that's a non MN point of view.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 21/04/2019 11:22

No one should stay married if they aren't happy in that marriage. It really is as simple as that.

The only issue I see is your dreamworld as you call it is focused on leaving him to meet someone else but I think it's very important you realise that the meeting someone else is actually not important. It will be lovely if you do but actually this should be about you and only you right now.

You should be focusing on yourself. Leave because you will be happier, learn to be happy on your own and then you can find someone else.

Having a partner should be the bonus on an already fulfilling life rather than hanging a fulfilling life on a partner.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/04/2019 11:29

All else being equal; then people can and do outgrow each other. Sounds like this is the case here. How long have you been feeling like this?

wigglesniggles · 21/04/2019 12:46

It sounds like he benefits more than you. Don't stay with someone just because they worship you, you have to see the good in them. However please note that men who say they love you unconditionally don't just turn up every day.

I let one of these go, it was a sweet love and I wanted excitement at that stage. Ironically he has had a far more adventurous life!

Nickpan · 21/04/2019 12:52

is there a chance you'll be in the single wilderness for years before realising you used to have it good, if a little dull?

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