Is it selfish to divorce a good man?

[NC2019X]

I’m 27, no DC, been together 5 years (married two yrs). There’s nothing terribly wrong with our marriage in that DH is kind and very much loves me, but I’m bored. For the last year or so, things have just felt very mundane. DH is attractive, but I no longer feel any sexual desire towards him. We had a fantastic sex life for the first few years and a wonderful, passionate relationship in general but the thought of being touched by him in a sexual way now feels wrong and makes me squirm. I’m ashamed to say I often fantasise about leaving DH and meeting another man. It’s like a little dreamworld I’ve created in my head and it’s the only real hope I feel.

We get on fine day to day and rarely argue, but when he’s talking to me I feel myself wishing he’d shut up. Little things he does like the way he eats or coughs has come to irritate me. I no longer have any real interest in what he has to say or get any joy out of the marriage and in general it just feels like things have run its course.

I feel awful as DH is nothing but kind to me and we have a good life. I’ve spoken to DH about how I’m feeling but there’s little he can do. I can’t pinpoint anything that has happened to cause me to feel this way. DH says I’m his soulmate, I know he loves me unconditionally and would be broken if I ended things.

I wonder whether my expectations of marriage are just unrealistic and I need to put more work in, but it feels like we’d be flogging a dead horse. Would I be stupid to end things in search of something more?

How about a trial separation with no contact but no dating others? Do you think you still have some growing up to do? Or not? Would some therapy for yourself help you clarify things?

The mum tutting at the dad clearing his throat in their 70s doesn’t mean they have an awful relationship! My dh and I drive each other nuts at times - and I’m sure it’s both ways!- but it doesn’t mean we would want to be without each other. I do think people are very quick to throw in the towel sometimes.

I’m not saying people should stay if they’re truly unhappy- I left dds dad when she was 6 months old after we’d been together 4 years - but I think sometimes people need to try to think about the long term and the whole picture.

You need to work out why you are bored. You are only 27. Could be you are just too young to be chained to the kitchen sink and want some excitement in your life. Do you get any excitement with him or is it just an endless daily round of work, home, bed. I'd have died of voredom if that had been me at 27.
What will you do if you leave him? Actively do something g amazing like travelling or working abroad or just hang about waiting for someone else to turn up? Work out what is missing in your life and work hard to make it happen on your own rather than having no definite plans.

Agree with solitude - putting your needs to one side for now it’s better for your husband if you leave him to find someone who actually loves him as he deserves