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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it selfish to divorce a good man?

54 replies

NC2019X · 21/04/2019 10:14

I’m 27, no DC, been together 5 years (married two yrs). There’s nothing terribly wrong with our marriage in that DH is kind and very much loves me, but I’m bored. For the last year or so, things have just felt very mundane. DH is attractive, but I no longer feel any sexual desire towards him. We had a fantastic sex life for the first few years and a wonderful, passionate relationship in general but the thought of being touched by him in a sexual way now feels wrong and makes me squirm. I’m ashamed to say I often fantasise about leaving DH and meeting another man. It’s like a little dreamworld I’ve created in my head and it’s the only real hope I feel.

We get on fine day to day and rarely argue, but when he’s talking to me I feel myself wishing he’d shut up. Little things he does like the way he eats or coughs has come to irritate me. I no longer have any real interest in what he has to say or get any joy out of the marriage and in general it just feels like things have run its course.

I feel awful as DH is nothing but kind to me and we have a good life. I’ve spoken to DH about how I’m feeling but there’s little he can do. I can’t pinpoint anything that has happened to cause me to feel this way. DH says I’m his soulmate, I know he loves me unconditionally and would be broken if I ended things.

I wonder whether my expectations of marriage are just unrealistic and I need to put more work in, but it feels like we’d be flogging a dead horse. Would I be stupid to end things in search of something more?

OP posts:
Aquilla · 21/04/2019 13:03

The grass isn't always greener on the otherside...

Rezie · 21/04/2019 13:17

It is normal to outgrow someone and you don't have to be stuck with a person for the rest of your life just because he is a good guy. You shouldnt leave in hopes to find someone better, leave because you are not happy.

That being said. You seem uncertain one that to do. Have you spoken with him about this? Have you tried to mix things up? Have you searched in yourself why you are not happy? I've been in similar situation and I discovered it was actually me being dissatisfied with my life and I blamed it on the relationship whereas it was actually a lot of other things.

woodhill · 21/04/2019 13:22

I think it is important to give him a chance. I have a book about A.C.T. Which was very helpful for my own experience.

I agree with the grass is greener.

I found couples counselling worthwhile.

OOH it is your decision OP.

DisneyMillie · 21/04/2019 13:31

I think if you’re just missing the honeymoon spark then any marriage will be a bit of a let down.

Leave if you’re not happy as it’s not fair to him either to be in a relationship with someone who feels how you currently do.

But first maybe think about counselling - there’s a lot to be said for a good, decent, loving husband long term even when there aren’t fireworks. My first marriage was more of an exciting rollercoaster but that meant big lows as well as big highs - I’m so much more content with my ‘safer’ second dh.

WhiteDust · 21/04/2019 13:47

Is he your age?
I think you should leave him.

He has plenty of time to meet someone who loves him and doesn't find him boring.

Have you heard the expression 'only boring people get bored'?

Good luck in finding Mr. Exciting & Amazing. Let's hope he's a nice guy too and not an absolute arse.

Aozora13 · 21/04/2019 13:50

I think I was your DH in this situation. We’d been together for 7 years from our early 20s. We weren’t married but had been living together for a while and I was looking forward to us buying a house and starting a family. Things weren’t perfect but I thought it was forever. In the last year exDP started getting more and more distant, treating me with no respect and if he didn’t actually cheat there were certainly excessive flirtations. In the end I got sick of it and ended it. He admitted that he loved me like a friend but the romance/spark was gone and he was deliberately behaving badly so I’d dump him! Now I’m not saying that you’d do that (in hindsight he was a proper twat) but being with someone who just wasn’t that into me really ruined my self-esteem. All good now though, I’m married to someone excellent who I met at 34.

Waveysnail · 21/04/2019 13:52

You sound like you dont actually like him anymore. Not wanting him to touch you. I'd try counselling even if it's just to give him closure

formerbabe · 21/04/2019 13:53

No it's not selfish. If anything it will free him to be with someone else who will feel more strongly for him than you do.

JacquesHammer · 21/04/2019 13:54

is there a chance you'll be in the single wilderness for years before realising you used to have it good, if a little dull?

Single wilderness....? Confused

People can be happily single - it’s just as valid a choice as a relationship.

Alwaysgrey · 21/04/2019 13:55

I met my dh at 23. I’d come out of a long term relationship and he was very very keen. In reality I wasn’t in the right head space for a relationship. We rub along okay but have three kids and two have Sen so leaving isn’t an option.

Life is too short to be really unhappy. You may find you’ve just changed too much and it’s not right anymore.

ReSistingPink · 21/04/2019 14:22

I think he deserves better than you to be quite honest. Set him free.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 21/04/2019 14:34

I agree with previous posters, it doesn't seem like you want to be in this for the long haul nor does it sound like you want to get to the root of the issue, both of which are absolutely fine, it is your prerogative.

fairislecable · 21/04/2019 19:56

Many years ago I was in the same situation. My DH left for work early one wintry morning, he was due to be away a few days, and I remember feeling pleased with a few days to myself.

Then an announcement came on the radio of a huge pile up on the motorway in heavy fog.

It was a couple of hours before I managed to contact him and in that horrible time I realised he could be dead and I really didn’t want to lose him.

It really was a wake up call and I no longer take things for granted.

Read through these boards a good relationship is hard to find and worth working on.

dayswithaY · 21/04/2019 21:19

Every single woman I know would love a man like your husband. If you do separate then he won't be alone for long. Try to imagine how you would honestly feel to see him happy with someone new, who looks at him with love. Then you might have your answer. A lot of single men in your age group are vain and selfish and not interested in being exclusive.

nimbomimbo · 21/04/2019 22:17

I married young and within a couple of years felt the same as you. I ended up leaving husband for a colleague. Tragically my new partner died. There then followed approximately 15 years of bad relationships, although I had two fabulous children with husband no 2.

Finally I met a wonderful man and have been very happy for the last few years.

I sometimes bump into my first husband. We are friendly. He remarried. His children are now fully grown, in fact he is a grandfather. He is also very well off.

Looking back I wish I had worked harder to stay in my first marriage. There was nothing wrong with my husband. I was just really too young and immature.

Please think very carefully before you decide to leave the marriage.

LadyRannaldini · 22/04/2019 04:39

The grass is not always greener!

famousfour · 22/04/2019 05:40

I think if this is how you feel and it is not just a phase than you should consider leaving. You have possibly another 50 years together and you don’t want him to touch you and find him irritating. I wouldn’t bring children into this - that IMO would be selfish - if you end up in one of those relationships where you have no real respect. Also not good for him.

I’m not sure personally that I buy into the implication that you should stay with him in case there is no one better (‘the grass may not be greener’) because the next one might also eventually bore you or because he is a good man who another woman may snap up. This may all be true but your relationship doesn’t sound good and no one has to be in a relationship anyway.

You are also not a bad person for not being happy just because he is a ‘good’ man.

Itsnotme123 · 22/04/2019 06:31

I was in exactly this sort of relationship.. I couldn’t see a way forward happily with him, so I called it a day. That was 14 months ago. I wish I had talked to him first. I’m not sure if I regret it yet honestly, but I do know I couldn’t live with him. Our sleeping, eating habits, our likes for entertainment, socialising likes were all completely different. He’s a good man, but just not for me, and he knew it.

Ask yourself if you could possibly be happy with him in 10 years time. Perhaps go on line, go to counselling, and see if there’s a way first.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 22/04/2019 06:40

Fairer on him to leave him tbh

crispysausagerolls · 22/04/2019 06:56

It makes me extremely sad how many posters on here casually accept leaving as the first port of call. You married this man- you said some vows which must have meant so much to you at the time, and that time was only 2 years ago. That’s nothing. I am all for someone leaving if they are unhappy and have really exhausted all the options, but I do not think that is the case here. I think genuinely wonderful men are rare, and I think it’s worth counselling and all sorts of other avenues before walking away.

Provincialbelle · 22/04/2019 07:19

Speaking from experience, you’d better leave now or you’re headed for disaster

NurseButtercup · 22/04/2019 07:29

Would I be stupid to end things in search of something more?

You wouldn't be stupid, but do you actually know what the "something more" is that you are looking for?

MrsBobDylan · 22/04/2019 07:44

Is there someone else who has caught your eye? The way you describe your feelings sounds a lot like someone else is waiting in the wings.

Fairylea · 22/04/2019 07:53

It sounds like you got together too young. I know others will disagree but I had similar relationships dissolve around my mid 20s (including one marriage). I think I was just finding out who I was to be honest, I felt like I wasn’t ready to settle down and wanted something “more”.

I am now nearly 40 and I can see a lot of those feelings wouldn’t bother me so much now. I’ve been with my current dh nearly 10 years and we have a very deep love and understanding between us, nothing like my earlier relationships. We’ve been through a lot together - ill health, nearly dying through child birth, my mum dying of cancer etc. Life experiences which are common to people as they get older have brought us closer.

I can look more objectively at the idea of lust and sex and attraction and feel it’s more of an abstract thought, something that passes in every relationship at the beginning and true closeness is something which comes with time. But it’s taken me a long time to feel that way!

I couldn’t have settled down like this in my 20s. I think you have to try to work out what it is you actually want.

OutInTheCountry · 22/04/2019 07:53

My parents are in their 70s, my dad does an annoying throat clearing thing and every time he does it my mum tuts or pulls a face. Stay and this could be you.

Set him free, he’ll be snapped up by someone else who’s out there now wondering if she’ll ever meet someone normal.

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