To just refuse the wedding invitation

[jessicawessica]

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

i think I'd go to keep the peace personally but appreciate the sentiment of why should you when they've not seemingly been concerned about that

Leave them to their show off wedding feel sorry for your mum though

OP, like a previous poster said, are you SURE your nephew knows you’ve only been invited to the evening? Is it possible the fiancée was in charge of who got each type of invitation?

I ask only because I’ve seen or heard of this happening not once, not twice, but three separate times (using lack of wedding invitations/ type of wedding invitations to try to alienate previously close family). And each time it was the warning bell that fiancée or fiancé who previously seemed great was starting up a passive-aggressive campaign to distance someone from their immediate family (two of the marriages have now ended in divorce). I would especially be wary of this since you say DN discussed the wedding in front of not only you but your DCs, and it seems strange to suddenly change plans completely.

I would definitely tell him why you won’t be coming. Either he’ll be surprised, or worst case scenario, you establish he’s a world-class wanker and at least then you know for certain.

Of course you’re upset. Evening invites are for neighbours, work colleagues, that sort of thing. Not family you see every week and endlessly discuss the wedding with. The fact they didn’t give you the invitations themselves at the weekend when they see you says quite a lot.

Just sounds like the whole thing is for show, and photos.

Your feelings are valid. YANBU at all. Yes, decline and if db1 asks, either tell him the truth or say you'd rather not talk about it.

Your db1 may not know. Your poor Mum.

People love to defend the two tier wedding invitation, but it seems to be the cause of so much confusion and upset, especially because it's not the norm in many circles.

And of course you won’t be interested in hearing about the wedding every Sunday now either, right? Time to change the subject!

Any update OP?

I'd still go to the family get together, although I would tell them to change to subject to something other than the wedding. You've had to listen to them drone on about that for two years now.
All weddings are pretty much the same anyway.

I agree yanbu. My NDNs, not even relations, with whom we’ve Been on popping round for drinks terms for years got married a couple of years ago and had a reception in their back garden but took the trouble to apologise for not being able to invite us as they didn’t want us to feel offended hearing the party next door. That is true thoughtfulness.(I can’t now remember the reason but it was iirc perfectly acceptable and we’re still on popping round for drinks terms).

I didn’t invite my aunt and uncle to the ceremony of my wedding because it cost £100 per head and I see them once a year. She was annoyed and hasn’t spoken to me since. I don’t mind, but what I do mind is the expectation. It’s their wedding, it’s bloody expensive, they can invite who they want.

NorthernRunner but the OP sees them every week and has had to listen to them talking about their wedding for two years.

Well done for declining the invite, I hope DB2 do and consequently your mum.

I would be a bit surprised too seeing as you see them weekly. It is what they want though and it's their special day, I wouldn't make them feel bad about it, unless they are horrible people I'm sure they haven't taken the decision lightly and may be feeling bad about it already.
If they are are rude and horrible then maybe you've had a lucky escape and know where you stand now?

The reception is the best bit (for the guests) anyway! I'd go, just take a card (no gift) and have fun

I know moomoo but it’s still the couples right to invite who they want. It may sting but you shouldn’t expect an invitation.

@moomoomoomoomoo either way, it’s up to the couple who they invite and to which part of the day. People are so quick to be offended. It’s like they think they somehow have the right to attend. It’s just a wedding.

Perhaps they should take a moment to consider how expensive weddings are. It could easily be £100 per head for the meal and perhaps the venue for the ceremony is too small for everyone to fit in.

You have every right to feel disappointed but it’s not your wedding so it’s not up to you who gets an invite.

Does it explicitly say evening only?
Maybe they thought you could all read the same menu?

Well done for declining OP, a wedding of that size does not need to be 2 tiered, it's a tacky attitude to have.
We are getting married soon and on both sides have not invited an aunt and uncle, but it is because we are not close and have not seen either for at least 10 years.
What your DN and his Fiancé have done is really rude.
Hold your head up high abs just don't engage about the wedding any further.

Thing is, the fact the OP sees them every Sunday could be a red herring. Maybe the nephew might see it as a duty visit to his dad and grandmother, and the OP happens to be there. He might find it really boring and doesn’t attach importance to it, perhaps.

I like a good evening do. It's a nice party. If there are no childcare or transport problems and I could afford it I would go.

If they drink it, just get a nice bottle of wine or champagne for the gift. If not put a voucher in your card. Job done. 🙂

If the cost and the size of the venue was so expensive and small why would they choose it! Surely the guest list (including relatives who you see every week) should be counted up up first and then choose a suitable venue you can afford for those numbers?. Why do couples insist on showy weddings at the expense of inviting family. I would decline.

YANBU to be hurt and offended.
In their defence though, a wedding is about merging 2 families, so, if the bride has, as you say, a huge family, and her parents have said 'make sure that you invite the same level of family from both sides to avoid falling out', then is there a chance that if they invited uncles, aunts and cousins from the grooms side (max 10 people) that they feel that they'd have to do the same from her side (perhaps 50-odd people whom they may not see so regularly) and so they've drawn a line for that reason?
They obviously like you as you all meet up every week, but perhaps don't have the resilience to take push back from her side of the family?
Who's paying for the wedding? Have they accepted help from the Bride's family and are now stuck?

Either way, even if you decide not to go, try not to fall out over it: it's a party on one day.

I'd be sad and upset because of the close relationship you have. I'd decline too and be honest when asked, better than letting the resentment fester.

@northernrunner

Of course it's their right to invite or not who they want. That doesn't mean they can do so without consequence.

When I got married (first time) we had about 75 guests. My mum really wanted to invite her best friend and husband. I have a very large family and had invited aunts, uncles and cousins at her request already. I relented to the pressure and invited them to the whole day and their adult children to the evening. She got her invite and then called my Mum to say how upset she was that her children hadn’t been invited to the whole day.
My point is, you do not know how the guest list has been split. You do not know the rationale not to invite you to the day. Rather then get cross about it, why don’t you ask to them? Seems a bit cowardly to not go today and leave your poor mum to hand over the decline response.

I have 6 nieces and 2 nephews on my side of the family. The thought that I wouldn't be invited to ANY of their full weddings (no matter the size) is unthinkable. It just wouldn't happen. None of them are the age to get married yet, but still. Yanbu.