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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 21/04/2019 08:23

I imagine they won't turn up today. They are obviously embarrassed otherwise they would be handing out the invites personally. I expect the 10 groomsmen, bridesmaids and other friends etc are coming with plus ones and possibly their children so seems odd that grandma hasn't at least got a plus one to keep her company. Do you get on with DN's partner? I don't really understand the snub seeing as there are so few of you.

LL83 · 21/04/2019 08:24

@millie2018 they are part of a small family who are in regular contact and it is a large wedding. There is no rationale the isn't rude and hurtful.

I am not saying there aren't times when an aunt might not be invited but usually because wedding is tiny, family is massive or they aren't in touch.

centralmix · 21/04/2019 08:24

I'd be feeling upset - and disappointed for my daughter, too. It's rude and strange. I feel most sorry for your mum though.

Try not to create a rift over this, however, life is too short.

tabbiemoo · 21/04/2019 08:24

Millie2018 - your mum’s best friend not having her adult children invited is NOT the same at all!!! OP is close to her DN, they are a small family and she sees him and bride every week.

However I would agree the OP should say something to DN or at least DB1. I would guess the bride has had something to do with this (does she not like you OP?) They need to know how rude they are being.

Hospitaldramafamily · 21/04/2019 08:28

I'd be upset about this. It's okay to have feelings and be upset and decline. It's okay to explain why you're upset. It's a strange and hurtful move.

JessieMcJessie · 21/04/2019 08:35

Are they quite young? They sound like they are silly and have had their heads turned by the pageantry of it all to the extent that they have not stopped to think about people’s feelings. To leave his own Granny with nobody to sit with- that’s more shocking than the slight to you. Is it not about time for DB1 to hand them their arses on a plate for that?

Ilovemysleepthief · 21/04/2019 08:42

Very hurtful of them Sad

nopen · 21/04/2019 08:42

I'd feel the same OP. It's really rude to exclude people like this when you see each other regularly and live nearby. Your poor DD too.

I'd decline and tell him why though. Actions have consequences!

Moomoomoomoomoo · 21/04/2019 08:43

Perhaps they should take a moment to consider how expensive weddings are. It could easily be £100 per head for the meal and perhaps the venue for the ceremony is too small for everyone to fit in.

Weddings don’t have to be expensive. They are expensive as you make them! No one has to have a venue at £100 a head. And if you can’t afford to invite everyone you might like because you’ve spent £100 a head then more fool you. Choose a cheaper venue then. Choose somewhere bigger. It’s all a choice.

It’s like people who have weddings abroad then moan that people don’t come. Well yes, that’s what happens. It may be ‘your day your way hun’ but then expect to piss people off in the process and potentially affect relationships long term.

Timeforacupoftea · 21/04/2019 08:43

It is entirely up to him who he invites to his own wedding. I presume he and his wife are paying for it. You sound very expectant. You should either graciously accept or decline, but do not make it all about you, your daughter or your mum. That would be very selfish and manipulative.

GFgertie · 21/04/2019 08:43

You absolutely shouldn’t ask why you weren’t invited to the wedding. That would be the height of bad manners!

It’s only one day. Go to the evening reception with good grace, give them and present and move on. This will also set an excellent example for your children of how to behave as an adult.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 21/04/2019 08:44

Very odd. But whatever the circumstances it’s the absolute height of rudeness to enclose a gift list with an evening invitation.
I’d ignore it for that alone.

GabriellaMontez · 21/04/2019 08:44

I would ask if there's been a mistake. "Only I couldn't understand why you talk about it every week in front of us."

Then say you'll be extending your holiday as you'd originally planned.

DonkeyHohtay · 21/04/2019 08:46

Every family is different and all those posters saying they'd never leave out their aunt/cousin/whoever - it's irrelevant.

I didn't have any "family" at my wedding apart from my parents and my sister. I have one aunt, one uncle. My parents are not close to their siblings, in fact one parent expressly said not to invite their sibling as they were a pain. All my cousins are at least 10 years older than me. I haven't seen any of my cousins for at least 5 years, some I haven't seen for almost 20 years. Yes we're related by blood, but they are strangers to me.

DH has more in way of aunts/uncles/cousins as his parents have 6 siblings between them. We had to decide that he would invite his aunts and uncles, but not the cousins. All the aunts and uncles and all the cousins, plus spouses would have been about another 30 people.

We had family friends who I'd known growing up, had a much stronger relationship with them than I had with people who I happen to be related to.

OP sounds as if she is fairly close to her brother but who knows. I don't think you can automatically make a rule that aunts and uncles should always be invited. And children don't have any right to see anyone get married.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/04/2019 08:46

I know the couple gets to decide who to invite but when the grooms family is only 10 people its hard to imagine how they have treated both sides the same way and invites so many guests.

wittyusermane · 21/04/2019 08:49

I think you need to clarify that you definitely haven't been invited, before you decline anything. Quick phone call to DB?

This would upset me too, but for the sake of future family relationships I'd go anyway if it was local.

mrsgandy · 21/04/2019 08:51

I think you should ask your DB or your nephew about it . However one poster raised a valid point and I'm wondering is this why you have not been invited. You mentioned you have known about the wedding for 2 years now but yet you said you then had to change your family holiday to come back a day early . I know if it was my Niece or nephew getting married I would be around the week before the wedding for my sister if possible as we are very close . Maybe they got miffed you booked your holiday to clash with their wedding . Just a thought .
But I do think you should have been invited to the whole day .

DarklyDreamingDexter · 21/04/2019 08:54

Don't cave in and buy a present, whatever you do! Card only at most. (Preferably from the pound shop!) An evening only invite together with an expensive gift list is just plain grabby.

duckduckgoose2 · 21/04/2019 08:57

it's unbelievably crass to leave your DD out when the girl she sees every Sunday has been talking about it, little girls love weddings. The bride has revealed herself to be very uncaring.

I don't think I'd be breaking the bank on a gift either!

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 21/04/2019 08:58

Why in the name of God would op need to “be around” for the preceding week, mrsgandy?!

duckduckgoose2 · 21/04/2019 09:01

I'd stick to the main point when bringing this up - that your DD will be devastated as she's been talking about this with their little girl for ages. The logistics and your mum's feelings are secondary - adults know bowmany weddings fail etc, young girls are young enough to still believe the magic of getting married, it takes a specially hard heart to not think about that. Bride has her own daughter too so it's not like she has no kids and might not have thought of your DD's feelings?

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 21/04/2019 09:01

If the cost and the size of the venue was so expensive and small why would they choose it! Surely the guest list (including relatives who you see every week) should be counted up up first and then choose a suitable venue you can afford for those numbers?. Why do couples insist on showy weddings at the expense of inviting family.

Because the average couple have no experience of planning a wedding, with all its traditions, expectations and possible personal dreams.

First you need a date because you can’t invite people or start to organise otherwise. Then you have a possible guest list and ask around venues you like. And then you realise a) there aren’t many venues b) they areal booked c) they have annoying numbers/ food/ wine policies.
Then you look at other venue options which may or may not work for your guest list....anyway what I’m saying is this issue may have occurred by mistake, over the process of counting and discounting options.
I do actually think you should have a word, just to find out their reasoning.
One of my wedding guests had a word about a partner not being invited and it was absolutely an oversight on my part. I was pleased they said something because I would have hated to find out I had upset people afterwards.

cooldarkroom · 21/04/2019 09:01

They have monopolized the conversation for 2 years.
You change your family holiday to be present, they know this.
Your Mum will have to be alone.
There's very few of your side of the family. (sounds like bride has dominated this list)
Surely the important part of a wedding is the ceremony?
I would ask, "Is this a mistake? because if not I'm not coming."

IStillMissBlockbuster · 21/04/2019 09:03

Hmm, I wonder if it is one of those cases where the groom 'isn't bothered' about arranging the wedding and so the bride has taken over more than her fair share of invitations?

Very rude if you see them every week though.

ALannisterInDebt · 21/04/2019 09:05

YANBU to be upset.

They see you (family) weekly, but don't want you at their wedding. It's rude and hurtful.

I would definitely be declining and also stop seeing them every Sunday.

Your DM going to the wedding on her own & a problem with lift there etc. Is not part of the same problem. She needs to decide what's he wants to do, and you can help her sort a lift out if you like, but it really is separate to you not being invited.

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