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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 21/04/2019 06:35

I can't stand the two tier invitations or a gift list included - particularly when sent to the second rate guests. Tacky as fuck.

OP I think you're handling this well, I wouldn't go in those circumstances either. The family gatherings are difficult though - you shouldn't have to stay away particularly as it will be hurtful to your DM but it might be best for a couple of weeks at least while this is still raw for you. Such a shame, as you have not done a thing to cause this, this is your DN's fault entirely.

Thepacksurvives · 21/04/2019 06:41

You don't want to go and that's fine but please don't fall out with them.

My wedding had 80 day guests (max from the venue) and 30 extra for the evening.

Of those 80 I had 9 friends, 7 immediate family, 1 uncle and 1 auntie and uncle (couple). My husbands family is much bigger, he invited all his aunties, uncles and cousins. My other aunties and uncles did get invited to the evening but declined. I didnt mind I don't see them particularly often and don't see myself as close to them. No falling out though. One auntie has stopped speaking but that just shows how we weren't close in the first place and no loss to me. The others have been totally fine and understand. I'd never fall out with anyone over wedding invites

acomingin · 21/04/2019 06:45

Very rude of them, given your close relationship. I doubt I could repair the damage they've done.

JenniferJareau · 21/04/2019 06:46

Glad you declined. I never go to evening only invites. Always decline them.

mathanxiety · 21/04/2019 06:46

Terribly rude and inconsiderate of them, and they have left your mother completely in the lurch.

I would go to the family gathering and have it out with them, assuming your mother wouldn't be mortified.

user1480880826 · 21/04/2019 06:47

We only invited immediate family, bridesmaids and groomsmen to the ceremony (it was a small registry office) but had 120 in total at the reception. It’s not that unusual. Also, the ceremony is just a formality in my opinion. The reception is the fun bit.

No one was petty enough to refuse to come to our reception just because they weren’t invited to the registry office.

You are being extremely childish.

HopefulAgain10 · 21/04/2019 06:52

Yanbu as it seems like you are a closer family. I wouldnt go either.
And a wedding of that size yet they couldnt include very significant members of the family.
I also wouldnt avoid them either- it will just make them feel what they have done is fine.

Decline and tell them exactly why. Your dn should be ashamed of himself.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2019 06:55

How can they have the gall to go to your mums house every week, avail themselves of her hospitality and discuss their wedding plans in front of people they know they aren’t inviting? So rude it beggars belief.

Idk why you would feel chased off from the Sunday regular meet up. This is your mothers house, not their mothers. I suggest you stand your ground and support your mum by going. She shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. It doesn’t have to be an all out slanging match either.

I think you could also show your children how to react in this situation rather than staying away. They’re not little anymore and as you say your dd will be very upset. This may be the moment when a lot is redefined and as a result she may no longer see her female cousin every week. Therefore I think you owe it to her to sort this out.

TessaL23 · 21/04/2019 06:58

Be a mature, civilised grown up and call your nephew and ask why you weren't invited to the ceremony. Have a conversation about it. Don't be a child and throw a temper tantrum because your feelings got hurt. Respect his answer and then decide what you want to do (and act like a mature adult about it).

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 21/04/2019 06:58

@user1480880826

She hasn’t been invited to the reception only the evening drinks.... please read it before telling the OP she’s being childish

ballsdeep · 21/04/2019 06:59

How awful and nasty.
Although I. Wouldn't be giving a shite excuse like I'm worn out from holiday, I'd tell them. You don't need to be aggressive but just to say how disappointed you are.
Is it a case. Of the bride inviting her family and leaving a lot of his out? If that's the case he needs to grow a pair

Teddybear45 · 21/04/2019 07:01

@user1480880826 - the groom has 10 family members in total and only his parents / siblings and aunt was invited to the wedding and reception. This wasn’t a numbers issue. It was a deliberate ploy to not invite his family; the bride has invited all of her family. Learn to read before commenting yeah?

TidyDancer · 21/04/2019 07:01

Having a tiny ceremony and then a big party is fine. Lots of people do this, particularly those who elope or who just have a small registry office do (for example).

What is not fine is what the OP's family have done. It is not petty or childish (or anything else) to decline an invitation in those circumstances. The bride and groom have been very rude and very cheeky. They have potentially caused a large rift in the family. I very much doubt it will prove to be worth it.

Halo84 · 21/04/2019 07:03

But the grandmother is invited to the ceremony and lunch. OP is invited to the dance thereafter. So, grandmother is going to be alone in any event.

No, user, she isn’t being childish. She gets to choose whether or not she wishes to attend.

SammySamSam09 · 21/04/2019 07:05

I think it's pretty normal to expect to be invited to the wedding of a close family member. It's not unreasonable at all so I don't understand those who think it is.

Teddybear45 · 21/04/2019 07:07

We have a similarly sized family and I was invited to all the events of every single one of my neices and nephews (and they are technically second and third cousins!) events.

LL83 · 21/04/2019 07:09

@thepacksurvives the OP sees the nephew every week and is part of a family of 10. The wedding is big. So it is more hurtful than an aunt you dont see not being invited.

musicposy · 21/04/2019 07:14

You know a marriage ceremony is a public event and anyone can go to a marriage ceremony? So in theory you could go anyway and they can't turn you away in case you want to object! Obviously you don't have a right beyond the ceremony such as the afternoon do.

In reality this might really upset DNephew and it would be better to have an honest discussion about how hurt you are and how difficult it makes it. I can't believe they can find room for 100 friends/ bride's family but virtually none your side. I know they can invite who they like, but it seems a massively hurtful thing to do to close family.

Ferii · 21/04/2019 07:14

I'd decline. You see them every week and they discuss the details of the wedding openly with you on a weekly basis so I think its reasonable that you'd be invited, especially since there's only 10 members of your family. Its rude to discuss an event in front of someone and then not invite them. If they had never discussed it with you I think I'd feel differently about it. Buy your nephew's daughter a present for the wedding but not the bride and groom.

Sessy19 · 21/04/2019 07:19

Maybe they were annoyed that they’ve been talking about and booking up this wedding for two whole years, and you booked a bloody holiday over it, then needed to change the dates!! I’d be pretty off about that if I’d been talking about it every Sunday for years...

CornforthWhite · 21/04/2019 07:22

Feel for you. I had a similar situation and it has massively cooled the wider family dynamic. Such a shame and we all behaved like grown-ups and never caused an issue or had a difficult discussion. It just drew lines in the sand and showed true feelings towards each other, even though I don't think the bride and groom truly appreciated that this would be the lasting feeling between the older generations.

cheesenpickles · 21/04/2019 07:22

Is dn's fiancée perhaps the instigator of this? Are her parents paying? It could be that dnephew is bending to the will of the purse strings and been cornered a bit and is too embarrassed to say.

Tbh, I would have a gentle and honest conversation with him before declining. There may be other factors (which would have to be pretty out there tbh) to explain this.

Moomoomoomoomoo · 21/04/2019 07:29

10 groomsman in white?

Dress code?

Be glad you aren’t going. Sounds horrendous.

rainbowstardrops · 21/04/2019 07:32

If it was me in your position, I'd speak to my brother and tell him how hurt I was to be left out and the reasons why eg wanted to see the actual ceremony etc and also worried about mum being on her own now with no other family to sit with.
If he then says that's how it is then I'd decline the invite. I certainly wouldn't be buying a bloody present!

I never understand why people just refuse to communicate.

rainbowstardrops · 21/04/2019 07:33

Having said that though, I'd be bloody hurt and pissed off if I were you too

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