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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/04/2019 00:57

And of course you need to go to the evening event! I wouldn't let this destroy your family relationships.

That doesn't seem to be bothering the wedding party.

TheSerenDipitY · 21/04/2019 00:57

well id be honest and say that since you are not actually invited to the wedding, you decided "fuck it im only on the "B" list, so ive extended my holiday"
very rude to just invite you to the paid bar and snacks after the actual wedding, i mean as she is your niece, you might have wanted to attend the actual wedding, not the gift grab B list

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 01:00

I would only be taking 2 DCs as no partner.
DB2 would be taking 1 DC (15) and no partner.

OP posts:
Dontforgettheice · 21/04/2019 01:00

My DNiece got married and had over 120 people. They split the guest list evenly. Groom invited all his family and maybe 10 friends. DN didnt invite her aunties/uncles and cousins. It was a very lavish affair, very similar to what you describe (all in one place). She had around 10 family members and 50 friends.

I got an evening invitation but, being 150 miles away from where we (and her parents) live, I declined. Her grandparents also had to decline the (full day) invitations as, as none of us were invited, we couldnt drive them down there.

.... cant say I wasnt a little smug when a group of 15 of her friends dropped out the week before because they "had a cheap group holiday come up" and left her with over £1000 worth of empty seats.

JudgeRindersMinder · 21/04/2019 01:02

10 groomsmen? That’s hilarious before you even think about them dressed in white! What happened to a best man and 2 ushers?

Apricot80s · 21/04/2019 01:03

Well since there are only 5 of you to invite it does seem very silly not to. I still wouldn't avoid the issue. Just discuss with them.

JemSynergy · 21/04/2019 01:11

A friend did a similar thing, talked about her wedding non stop to me, said she didn't want to show me her dress before the wedding because she wanted to keep it as a surprise, asked my advice on things for the wedding, told me not to book my holiday and to save the date of her wedding. She then sent me her invite....to the evening do only! Choosing to invite work colleagues she'd only known a short while over our long standing friendship made me feel utter crap! I didn't go to the evening do but I only told her why when she probed more about why I wasn't attending. Our friendship fizzled after that.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 01:15

Jem, did she ever say why she did that?

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 21/04/2019 01:18

Ouch! You are clearly not important to them. Their choice of course. But if it was me I would be politely declining.....

Butterymuffin · 21/04/2019 01:25

10 groomsmen is ridiculous. That's more than you'd see at a royal or Kardashian wedding.

7salmonswimming · 21/04/2019 01:43

YANBU

Weddings seem to have become an excuse to behave so selfishly these days. People seem to expect to get away with really self-centered, immature, short-sighted, hurtful behaviour - because it’s their “special day”, which seems to mean the day they expect everyone else to put up with all sorts for the sake of a venue/ a budget/ a honeymoon ideal/ whatever.

Oh well. Everyone reaps what they sow. That’s a nephew/aunt, nephew/uncle, great-nephew/great-aunt relationship down the pan. Warm, friendly Sunday afternoons together won’t be the same because the nephew has effectively told three relatives how little he considers them. Not even as close as some friends who I imagine he doesn’t see once every week.

Such a shame. It’s just a bloody wedding. Really not that big a deal. It’s not like handing out invitations to the Nobel ceremony.

Jb291 · 21/04/2019 02:00

I would decline the invite. It is the absolute height of rudeness to extend such an invite to a close family member and still expect you to buy an expensive gift. It's entitled and grabby and very poor form.

KC225 · 21/04/2019 02:14

I think you are right to decline this evening invitation - it's an insult. I have always felt evening invitations are for groups of work colleagues or neighbours - not relatives you socialise with every week. How close do you have to be to get an all day invite?

You do not owe them an excuse, nor a gift. But I wouldn't let it ruin the family get togethers. Give it a couple of weeks OP and then front it out like you don't care. At this point if they bring up the wedding please change the subject - Brexit is a good current conversation piece.

catzrulz · 21/04/2019 04:57

It's an invitation, not a summons.
So you can decline and say no thanks without giving a reason why.

LittleElle · 21/04/2019 05:41

Wait so is it just that your invite missed the menu or does it specifically say evening do?

My nephew (VERY close in age, we grew up together) sent my Dad (his grandfather) an invitation but not to me. Assumed I wasn’t invited.

Turns out that despite having visited me in my new house, that I had moved in to at least 9 months earlier, they sent the invitation to my old address.

I would honestly just ask them if it’s correct that you were only invited to the evening do first.

Halo84 · 21/04/2019 05:51

Assuming DN has a relationship with your mother, it’s incredibly selfish not to invite someone to be with her at the ceremony and dinner, as I assume DB1, as part of the wedding party, won’t be able to attend to her.

I think you are right to decline and there is no need in these circumstances to send a gift.

In would not bother explaining why. DN knows.

Mememeplease · 21/04/2019 05:54

There are only 5 of you and you see them every week. Well they are sending you a very clear message about how much they value you.

How can they have the absolute balls to make you listen to all the wedding talk and then snub you like that.

I would make it very clear why you are declining their invite. Mum should also explain why she doesn't want to go too. Amy idiot can understand that she wouldn't want to be sitting by herself all day.

And I should imagine that your weekend gatherings will be ending too. They should be too embarrassed to show their faces.

PirateWeasel · 21/04/2019 06:03

No way would I be dropping out of the Sunday get togethers! It's your DN and his fiancee who should be too embarrassed to show their faces, not you! And before you go tomorrow, you, your mum and your younger DB should come up with some topics of conversation to kill any wedding talk. Just don't engage with it. You're not invited to the main part, therefore you're entitled to not have to listen to them gabbling about it.

EluphNaugeMeop · 21/04/2019 06:06

Totally fine to decline.

If anyone asks why then say "no special reason. we weren't invited to the wedding or reception which is the real event. Evening-only invites are for people who you aren't too bothered whether or not they come anyway" - ideally with a slightly confused expression as its a bit weird to demand a reason. "Its an invitation not a summons".

Any idea how many aunts uncles and cousins there are on the brides side op? Sometimes these things arise as although one member of the couple has a small family with strong loving relationships, the other has a sprawling mess of 60 barely-known people with that degree of kinship, at least 5 of whom are alcoholics, perverts, exhibitionists or control freaks. The only way the couple can see to avoid the horror of that lot all being invited is to exclude the 10 nice folk with the equivalent genetic links too.

eddielizzard · 21/04/2019 06:09

So hurtful. I can't understand this 'A' list / 'B' list stuff. What on earth were they thinking!?

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 21/04/2019 06:11

It's rude. Send a card no gift. Don't attend unless you want to, but dont make a big deal about it ether

crispysausagerolls · 21/04/2019 06:19

Some people on this point are on crack (or don’t understand simple etiquette).

You don’t discuss an event around someone (especially not repeatedly) unless they are bloody well invited.

Evening invitations only are fucking rude. I don’t care what anyone else thinks - cut your cloth accordingly and invite how many people you can afford to the whole thing ffs, don’t stagger it and pick and choose parts of your wedding.

OP YANBU this is extremely rude. You are close to DN and this is absolutely disgraceful.

purplepears · 21/04/2019 06:22

@jessicawessica
How insulting of them to not invite you and DB and children.
They've shown you exactly what they think of you, haven't they?
Truly hurtful and damaging.

MsMarvellous · 21/04/2019 06:28

Ouch. I did the unmentionable and invited cousins to the day and the evening and not he breakfast. But it was due to so so many factors that I won't derail with here and a a really hard decision and I at least got them together to speak face to face to explain and say why and give them the chance to have a say.

Just leaving invites with your mum and running is cowardly.

Teddybear45 · 21/04/2019 06:29

No invitation equals no presents. Make it clear to your DB.

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