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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
HappyBumbleBee · 22/04/2019 19:33

Whatever happened to family being top of the list? We're hearing SO much these days of family being left out in place of friends and work colleagues - and so many responses of "its their wedding it's up to them who they invite" etc etc.
Weddings used to be family celebrations with the friends etc coming along later to the evening do!
I would be so hurt OP I would be refusing the invite too! I can't imagine my nephew doing this, nor my own 3 lads tbh x

LagunaBubbles · 22/04/2019 19:43

Wow!! You’re unbelievably entitled.
You don’t deserve an invitation to anything

What a load of rubbish, OP doesn't sound entitled at all. I can only assume you're the kind of person that treats others like shit to.

Retired65 · 22/04/2019 19:54

Nothing actually to stop you going to the wedding if it is held in a church.

nuxe1984 · 22/04/2019 19:59

People are forgetting what the purpose of a wedding is. It's to celebrate a marriage … it's not so you can dress up nicely and have everyone in white suits to show off, it's not so you can get lots of presents. It's so that you can celebrate your love for each other and your declaration of being together as husband and wide in front of the people who have seen you grow up, celebrated birthdays and Christmases with you, been there for you week after week.

This is a big wedding being paid for by the groom's father. The bride has a small family. The groom doesn't exactly have a large family (my father was one of 11 - think how many cousins I had!). Nobody has 150 close friends who are more important than your family - unless you don't get on with you family and never see them - and even then most people would be hard pushed to find 150 close friends unless their families were also invited.

I have 2 adult children and (so far) 2 grandchildren. My DDs are involved in each other's lives. They see the children regularly and spend Christmas, birthdays, etc. together. It sounfs as if the s family is the same. If my GC got married and didn't invite their aunt (plus her immediately family) to all of the wedding but offered an evening invitation as a sort of token gesture then I would be very angry and very upset, and I would certainly say something to both the parents and the "happy couple".

Nobody has mentioned the groom's mother other than to say the bride and groom to be live with her. I do wonder what the relationship is between her and the OP and other DB? If it's not good then I suspect she may have had something to do with this. I also find, from experience, that the bride (and her family) have quite a lot of control over the wedding guest list so it wouldn't surprise me to be told that this has something to do with her too.

That said, the OP had now "burnt her bridges" by declining the invite. Think I would do the same though and definitely not bother with any present … I'm sure the other 150 guests can buy something for the happy couple!

nuxe1984 · 22/04/2019 20:00

*husband and wife

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 22/04/2019 20:10

@lagunabubbles I don’t actually. But I also don’t assume I will be invited to anything. It’s rude to assume you’d be invited.
The OP sounds incredibly entitled by assuming she would get an invitation and by her petty and childish response. Whilst I would love to be at the church part I understand that actually it’s about having the ones you truly love at the church. Whilst I love my aunts and uncles I’m not close to them and I’m much closer to my friends who see and support me. Why should I invite a bitter aunt?
It is their wedding and it is their choice. Not inviting everyone isn’t rude. It’s practical. Should her nephew invite the milkman’s brothers dog groomers best friends cousin because he’d be upset? Just because you’re offended and upset doesn’t mean they were offensive or intending to hurt anyone’s feeling. And you can’t compare it to burping and farting...don’t be so childish to even try that one.

Lilydot · 22/04/2019 20:10

I would decline definitely.

LagunaBubbles · 22/04/2019 20:16

And you can’t compare it to burping and farting...don’t be so childish to even try that one

I have no idea what you are talking about.

Lizzie48 · 22/04/2019 20:20

But the point is that they are close, they see them every weekend. The DN was disappointed they weren’t there because he had been hoping to do an egg hunt with all the children.

They had also been ear bashing them week after week about the wedding, which would naturally have led them to think that they were invited. The aunt is also his godmother!

In addition, he’s putting his Granny in a difficult position, as she’ll be sitting on her own as she doesn’t know anyone.

You’ve put on this the spin that you want so that you can attack the OP and feel self-righteous.

Riversguidebook · 22/04/2019 20:22

Just go.

Someone’s been kind enough to invite you to share their day because they want you there.

If you can’t afford or don’t agree with a gift list, just send a gift that’s more within your budget, or no gift at all, just a congrats card.

Lizzie48 · 22/04/2019 20:22

Comparing it to inviting the milkman is totally ridiculous, with her being his aunt he’s always been close to up to now, and his godmother.

Cafeculture · 22/04/2019 20:30

Should her nephew invite the milkman’s brothers dog groomers best friends cousin because he’d be upset?

Overstating your case somewhat?! She's his aunt, and godmother, and sees him regularly.

Athena18 · 22/04/2019 20:31

Save me from weddings. I wouldn’t go. Send a card, no present. If DB1 asks say ‘Point of principle. I never go to weddings if only invited for the evening.’ And mean it. I do.

mrshousty · 22/04/2019 20:41

Its their day. Go if you want or if you don't that's fine but you might regret it. As for the gift...just give them a cheque for 50 quid or something. He's only your nephew.

Itsnotme123 · 22/04/2019 20:50

I haven’t read the whole thread but ...Wedding guests... who to invite, who not.. each person costs to be there.

I wasn’t invited to my cousins wedding, and I was gutted as they wanted close family and friends. But I gave them a nice present anyway and the bride sent me pictures, and a lovely letter.

In your case I would ask why you’re not going to the whole thing. It’s quite bizarre. But you have to accept their wishes.

Rememberfluffthecat · 22/04/2019 20:55

I would have declined too though it's turned into a very unfortunate experience

NigellaAwesome · 22/04/2019 20:55

LuluJakey1:

I hate weddings and try to avoid them if possible. Usually DH and I just reply 'Thank you very much for the invite. We are unable to attend but hope you have a fantastic day and a very happy life together' written in a nice card. We usually send a wedding card near the day.

It amazes me how much bother weddings cause in terms of families/friendships and how upset and angry people get. It results in lots of passive aggressive or pretty aggressive suggestions as to what the offended person should do as a response.

There is no outcome to this now that will be a good one. If a full invite arrived it would be a forced invite which is even worse. If one doesn't arrive they definitely just don't want OP and DB there. If OP goes she will feel angry, hurt and resentful, if she doesn't DM, DB1 will be upset. There is just no good outcome possible.

Some suggestions:
Move to another country - that would solve your Sunday issues every week as well.
Send a polite note saying 'Thanks for the invite. We are busy that day but hope it goes well for you.' No other explanation required. Then either:
a) Organise a BBQ of your own and invite lots of friends and DB1 and make a big day of that.
b) Go away for the day/weekend - treat yourself with the money you would have spent on outfits/presents.
Don't fall out with DB1. If he wants to get into a discussion/apologise just say 'Look- it's done. Let's just get on with it. No point in falling out over a wedding. Yes, we are hurt by it but I don't want it to affect our relationship with you. Look on the bright side - we'll have the money we would have spenton outfits and presents to spend on our holiday. ' Don't go any further than that.

I think this is excellent advice. When the day comes, send a nice card with £50 in it and forget about it. Think how much it would have cost you for outfits, transport, drinks, gifts etc!

GabsAlot · 22/04/2019 21:00

sorry havent rtft but your his aunt and godmother and they talk to u endlessly about it then only invite u for scraps

id be declining sorry for your mum but its just so wrong

ton181 · 22/04/2019 21:08

OP - I would have done exactly the same in your position. As others have said, enjoy spending the money you have saved on something nice for yourself!

catofaragon · 22/04/2019 21:09

I'm so sorry OP, I can understand why you feel very hurt by this.

Pegnes · 22/04/2019 21:14

That is really shit and i think you should say something. If it was a smal wedding you could understand it, but it’s not!!

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/04/2019 21:19

TEll your db to grow some balls. If he is paying for his sons wedding then surely he has the right to have his sister - his sons aunt there

The fact you all play happy families every Bloody Sunday yet no invite sucks

mary1066 · 22/04/2019 21:28

I'd be very, very hurt if what happened to Jessica happened to me. I wouldn't if I wasn't close to them though. I wouldn't say anything at all but I know that after such a hurt I wouldn't feel the same about my niece or nephew as they didn't by not inviting me, my brother and my daughter. I know I would not feel as close to them as I once did any more. I know I'd feel so very sad as if I'd lost someone that was very special to me. At the same time I'd be quite angry about his lack of care, ignorance, rudeness, and to top it all sending me his list of expensive wedding gifts. I couldn't have the same relationship with him as I did before. Neither would I discuss it with my uncle or his family. I wouldn't want them to send me an invitation after what my nephew's done. He excluded my brother, my daughter and me. An invitation now wouldn't mean much to me after this. I'd assume that my uncle's embarrassed already and wouldn't want him to feel worse. However, I'd attend the evening do, take a card and a £30 or £50 John Lewis or M&S gift voucher. I'll leave to him which items in his wedding gift list he'd like to spend it on. I'd let my mum and younger brother know that this is how I'm going to deal with it. They might like it for themselves too. Making a fuss is the worst way of dealing with such a situation. I'd be polite and pleasant to my niece from now on but couldn't feel the same about him as I once did. I'd also wouldn't like to see him as often as I did before.

supermommyof4 · 22/04/2019 22:02

Our wedding venue is very small.
Can only hold 60 people so in fairness to everyone we have invited only close family to the wedding. And everyone to the reception. And we are absolutely not expecting gifts at all as its there attendance we are after and we are aware money is tight for most people. We have however asked any guests who want to get us anything we would appreciate money towards a weekend away.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 22/04/2019 22:06

supermommyof4
So, in fact, your situation is not remotely similar to the OP's?

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