To just refuse the wedding invitation

[jessicawessica]

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

Wow!! You’re unbelievably entitled.
You don’t deserve an invitation to anything.

pollymere
You don't need an invite for the ceremony. Go to that and then have a lovely time with your extended family before going to the evening do.

Yes they do. It’s in a private country club. While I doubt that anyone will be checking invitations on the door, these places have strict seating numbers in whatever room it is that is licensed for weddings, there will not be seats for uninvited guests and standing will not be allowed.

150 people and you see them every weekend.. and they did not invite you? Knickers to em!
No excuse. YANBU.

This happened to me when my nephew got married but it was down to the bride.
I'd always been very close to my nephew...babysitting when he was small, taking him on holiday etc
My sister was mortified and for her sake I went along with it.
His wife has ensured that his relationship with his family has never been as close.

I really feel for you. Your DN’s lack of a full invitation seems odd in the context of you being a close member of family who he sees regularly

The reality is that it’s their wedding, so they can invite who they want & the reality is that people usually go a bit ‘weird’ when organising their weddings & you don’t know what other politics are involved / who else has hasn’t been invited to the full day. We had 150 people at our wedding & there are still people who don’t talk to my parents because they weren’t invited. My older sister had 350 people at her wedding simply not to accommodate everyone, and we were clear we wouldn’t do this

I’d suggest that you taking the high road, so that you behave with dignity and don’t feel anxious about your decision, particularly as it sounds as though you’ll all be getting together regularly going forward. That way, you can look at everyone in the eye knowing that your behaviour is beyond reproach

My suggestion is that you go to the evening do if it’s near home and you haven’t got anything else on, taking a card & a small gift; if it’s some distance away, I’d decline on the basis that it’s too far to come for just the evening do & still send a card & small gift. That way, you can’t be criticised for anything. I wouldn’t say anything about feeling bad about not being invited to the whole day; I think DN & his other half will realise for themselves, which is much better. Good luck!

Hoping you had a nice day @jessicawessica with your mum and brother.

My children have always been excluded from their cousins weddings. Interestingly a couple of my nieces mentioned that they couldn't wait til Dd got married one day. Dd muttered that it was highly unlikely she would ever have a big wedding. Mainly because she grudges being ignored by them for so long but they expect an invite to her wedding.

@JessieMcJessie actually I think I read on here somewhere that legally no one can stop people from attending the ceremony. Something to do with multiple marriages.

We declined an invitation like this last year.

A family member who I was very close to was getting married. Her brother had married a few years before and apart from his parents, grandmother, sister and her boyfriend, there were 16 other family members from our side of the family there.

Last year's wedding was talked about a lot, they were looking at having 150 day time guests so not a small wedding. When the invitations arrived we'd only been invited to the evening, at a venue an hour away. The only family members who'd been invited to the whole thing, apart from her very immediate family, were my parents and an aunt and her husband. Of course there was her husband-to-be's family but the rest of the all day invitations went to friends.

As it turned out, the whole thing was called off three weeks before the wedding when they split up.

I doubt that Contraception- it will be a fire safety issue.

You can't stop someone accessing wedding ceremony if they have an objection. Be that allowed into the ceremony (no-one can be stopped going into a church wedding for example) or allowed to speak to the celebrant or registrar at a private venue.

They also can't be stopped interrupting the ceremony at either venue if they tell whoever is trying to stop them that they are there to make an objection.

I only know the detail of that as a specific threat was made to my wedding and the registrar confirmed that it's not legal to stop someone objecting to a marriage.

Wow!! You’re unbelievably entitled.
You don’t deserve an invitation to anything.

How? How does the OP sound entitled?

Lou121.. The OP has declined, she's delivered the RSVP

NannyOg I know it’s not necessarily the case, as some families are abusive. But the OP is describing a family that isn’t abusive, it’s close (maybe not as close as OP thinks, we don’t know, but they see each other every weekend). It would be a shame to lose that, or take it for granted.

And of course some friends will stick around forever but sadly the majority don’t, especially when we’re young, as we all change as we grow older.

no-one can be stopped going into a church wedding

Wish I knew that when Harry and Megan got married. I would have liked to go into the church for a look. Thought I would have been stopped though.

I thought OP said wedding was in a posh hotel not a church?

@redshifter 😂q

You have to completely lacking in self respect if you go. 150 people and no room for the aunt's family - that says a lot about what you mean to him. Don't go, send the invite back saying you have more important things to do and people to be with.

This is shit for you OP. YoUr DN is a dick to do something so derisive when you’re a close family and his godmother and godfather (in your DB2’s case).

DO NOT BUY THEM A GIFT FROM THAT RUDELY DELIVERED LIST.
Putting my PA hat on, I'd be tempted to put myself down for the expensive dinner service and get them a similar but cheap one from Argos.

I had a similar situation as this at my wedding. Albeit, my wedding was considerably smaller with 65 guests at the day time. The issue was that DH’s aunt had assumed she was invited (she was) along with her 3 children and their partners (they weren’t). The reason they weren’t invited was due to me having 26 cousins, and not wanting to invite DH’s cousins and none of mine, who I am closer to, as it would have been an extra 52 guests for them and their partners. DH’s aunt took great offence and didn’t come to the wedding.
Maybe this is a similar situation? Does she have a large family maybe? Where as they don’t want to invite one aunt without them all etc? If there are already 150 people going maybe they’re at there limit, and inviting you plus one may mean and extra 10 people? Iyswim

Wow!! You’re unbelievably entitled.
You don’t deserve an invitation to anything.

Only someone who has treated their own family appallingly during a Bridezilla spree could possibly come to this conclusion after reading this thread.

You don't seem to be in the important enough gang to be invited for the whole event. Decline, do you think you will be missed?

The whole thing is sad. When I got married I couldn’t conceive of getting married without my entire family there. I only have a small family as well and every single member, no matter their age, was there. My (now) exDH’s too. We didn’t put any friends on the guest list until family was all invited & sorted.

I don't think there is anything wrong with evening only guests

Neither do I, for more casual friends and colleagues. But with 150 guests there should be room for an aunt who sees her DN regularly to attend the whole thing, surely? Especially when it's a small family.

The regular MN wedding mantra of “It’s their wedding so it’s up to them whom they invite” seen in many posts here baffles me - as it automatically excuses any rudeness or faux pas on the part of bride and groom.

Similarly, it would be up to me to decide to fart and burp loudly and with gusto at an elegant dinner party I host for example, but it wouldn’t mean it’s fine or socially acceptable.

Your nephew is a total insensitive and rude dick, OP. The gift list beggars belief. I’d definitely not go, but first I’d tell him calmly why I’m not going.