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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 22/04/2019 16:30

I mean my early twenties actually, I have quite a few friends who have been in my life since my late twenties (l’m 49 now).

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 16:57

Actually for a lot of people, family are not the ones who will always be there. That's really not the case for everyone.

Milicentbystander72 · 22/04/2019 16:58

Same here Lizzie.

I'm 48. I had a lovely group on friends in my early 20's. We all hung out and went to each other weddings etc.
Decades on I'm only in loose contact with 3 of them and hardly ever see them.

I'm close to my family and regularly see my Dsis and her grown up children both together and on their own, with or without our mum there.

Although my Dsis didn't ask me to be a Godparent to any of her girls. She chose her 'close' friends. Now the girls are grown up and none of them have seen or heard from their godparents in 18 years at least!

Incidentally I have picked great friends along the way in my life. I count myself lucky that I have some amazing friends that I didn't even know in my 20's!

OP, if you're still reading - I would be gutted not to be invited to all of any of my DN's wedding.

Motoko · 22/04/2019 17:00

It's quite normal to have different groups of close friends as you go through life, due to people moving away, losing touch, maturing, so that people who you had fun with when you were younger, were actually only superficial friends, etc. Hence the saying about having friends for reasons, seasons, and life.

And regarding the family only seeing each other, because of OP's mum, it sounds like Nephew is usually included in other gatherings, because she said he would have been invited to B2''s BBQ today if he hadn't done this.

leomama81 · 22/04/2019 17:21

@feelingsinister it seems like you are projecting your own situation and possibly not reading the full thread. OP has made clear they do see each other at other gatherings without their mum, and are very close. The very fact that DN was disappointed the children weren't there yesterday as he had planned an Easter egg hunt for them speaks to that.

EllenMP · 22/04/2019 17:27

Just go to the evening do and let it go. It’s their wedding and I would not make a fuss about it. It’s certainly weird and inconsiderate of whoever is in charge of planning this wedding to basically leave the groom’s family out of the actual wedding, but it’s not worth making a family rift over.

Palaver1 · 22/04/2019 17:30

I would be honest and let them know how you all feel.
Otherwise this is going too be on your mind forever.
Think that you should go for the evening do as well.
If you dont that will be perfectly understandable.

Romax · 22/04/2019 17:43

The OP saw them as close

The bride, for whatever reason, absolutely doesn’t.

If the OP starts making enquiries I suspect it will open a can of worms.

janj2301 · 22/04/2019 17:44

I don't know for a fact but I was under the impression you didn't have to take a gift if you were only invited to the evening do.

MummasTheWord · 22/04/2019 17:48

If 150 people were going, we were a small family and it was my brother’s son wedding .... I’d too be totally gutted and upset, especially as you sound a close family!!!! Seem odd, not read through, but I’d definitely have to get some clarification as to why.

Lottaberry · 22/04/2019 17:51

If there's no real reason (a fight in the past etc) you can think of for why this has happened and you've been a relatively involved aunt to him throughout his life, it's seems reasonable for you to decline.

Out of curiosity, what were these highly expensive gift ideas on their list?

momtoboys · 22/04/2019 17:52

If the other sides aunts and uncles were invited, I would be furious.

Tinkerbell1980 · 22/04/2019 17:53

OP, I have a Niece, whom is also my goddaughter, I see her every week and she means the world to me. I'd be devastated if I wasn't invited to watch her get married. I know it wouldn't happen, my sister simply wouldn't allow it, I'm so sorry you've been treated like this, it must really hurt.
for you OP

woollyheart · 22/04/2019 17:59

Is it possible that DN doesn't know that you have only been invited to the evening?

Perhaps his fiancée's family sent out the invitations and got it wrong or changed it?

Although weddings often feature friends more prominently these days, most people invite close family to large weddings. Family and good friends surely go to the main ceremony. Evening invitations are definitely for acquaintances and larger set of friends, not for close family. They seem to have got it all the wrong way around.

Or is there someone in the family they don't want to attend? Is there an aunt or uncle who would be very unwelcome, so they are not inviting any family to avoid arguments?

Nanny0gg · 22/04/2019 18:00

All I’m saying really is that you really shouldn’t burn your bridges with your family, they’re the ones who will still be there when most of your friends are long gone.

That's not necessarily the case...

celticprincess · 22/04/2019 18:00

My ceremony was small and in a public holiday place so lots of people I’d only invited to the evening do (work colleagues etc) came to the ceremony, stood at he back or waited outside to see me go in and come out. Some children I teach even turned up in their school uniform for photos. I only had one slight regret and embarrassment in that a friend on my mum came to the ceremony and came back for the evening so. She hadn’t been invited to the day meal as that was close family, but she had travelled quite a distance and when she arrived at the ceremony I wished I’d invited her to the meal too. She was totally fine about it though.

If I get invited to an evening do only I will go as long as it’s not far. I won’t travel and stay in hotels just for the evening do. A lot of friends now have a late afternoon ceremony and combine with evening so think this is where issues occur. Mine was a 10am wedding, 12/1pm wedding breakfast and speeches with a few hours gap before the evening do at 7:30pm. I even went up for a sleep and bath between the afternoon and evening karts myself!!

People weren’t ‘invited or not’ to the ceremony but their invite stated wedding breakfast and evening or evening. Time of ceremony was on all invites. It was a small inside venue in a public park so only so many seats were available but many evening only guests still appeared.

QuickThinkOfAName · 22/04/2019 18:02

To be honest the whole ‘close’ debate is moot. Yes it would have been nice if they see each other every week. They sound quite close.

But it’s rude to discuss the wedding for two years in front of people if they’re not invited

And beyond unacceptable for them to let the op change her fucking holiday to be back for their wedding if they had no intention of inviting her.

Lou12124 · 22/04/2019 18:03

I would decline. I would understand if it was a smaller wedding (I'm getting married in August and have had to be cut throat as it's a small wedding) but the fact there is that many people going?!? And the fact you meet every weekend that is really not on. Decline. Explain the reasons which I think is completely understandable. ..if it were a smaller wedding, no problem. But it's a big wedding so you feel insulted.

pollymere · 22/04/2019 18:04

You don't need an invite for the ceremony. Go to that and then have a lovely time with your extended family before going to the evening do. I suspect the Bride's family have taken over. My IL kept inviting people behind our back and insisting they needed to be at the sit down dinner. Luckily we had a tiny venue but we still had to contact them and explain they weren't actually invited! I've had two surprising evening only invites but have realized sometimes it's based on how far away people live. Worse was the wedding of one of my best friends. I didn't even get an invite to that!

woollyheart · 22/04/2019 18:04

Yes, it is amazing that they were talking about it in front of everyone. Why did they think anyone is interested if it is just a booze up for their mates?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/04/2019 18:08

I can't believe you've had to listen about a bloody wedding for two years!! How have you not screamed!

We booked our wedding 7 months before the date and I was sick to the back teeth of talking about it by the time is came around!

mychel · 22/04/2019 18:10

I actually hate the whole day and afters thing we invited everyone to our entire wedding gave people options to come for one two or three nights ( some were traveling from abroad ) so we arranged this around our guests. Two of my close friends called day before to tell me they could only come to the meal I was really disappointed as had put allot of effort into everything ceremony, afternoon reception and then meal. They arrived five minutes late for meal while myself and dh were getting ready to enter the room not dressed demanding a place to change. They waited for two songs after music started and then left again. Tbh I found it highly insulting so can only imagine how close family would feel not to be invited to the whole day. It is highly insulting and almost like your not worthy of an invite.

moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 22/04/2019 18:10

Gotta say, I committed many of the MN sins at my wedding (cash bar, evening guests, gift list to everyone, some of DH's wider family invited to evening only as his family is so much bigger than mine etc etc). I was late 20s when I got married so should have known better but I was the first of my friends and my generation in the family to get married, so hadn't been to too many weddings. I really wish someone had taken me aside and pointed out the rudeness - realistically my MiL would have been the obvious choice, although I completely understand why she didn't! I really regret some of my decisions even now 15 years later.
If someone sets your DN straight (and I don't see why that someone shouldn't be you), and you do get an invite to the ceremony & breakfast, please consider going. Don't punish him and yourself for him being a temporary idiot if he does make good.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/04/2019 18:12

I don't think there is anything wrong with evening only guests. It's only on MN that it ever seems to be an issue.

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 18:14

@leomama81 I have read the whole thread and am not projecting my own situation because it's completely different I'm just trying to give another perspective. None of us actually know the reason why but it is possible that the relationship is not as close as the OP thinks.

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