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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:

IncrediblySadToo · 22/04/2019 14:48

@IncrediblySadToo They are invited, just not to the bit they want to be

No, they are not. The children are NOT even invited to the evening, only the OP

TapasForTwo · 22/04/2019 14:51

Surely it must take an exceptionally self absorbed couple to spend every Sunday for two whole years talking about their wedding. The DN would rather have a big show off party that will last for just one day than put a deposit on a house. It says rather a lot about him.

leomama81 · 22/04/2019 14:53

The suggestion that DN has done this because he's worried about inviting all the children seems a bit of a red herring - seeing as he has not invited the children to the evening do he is well aware that it is possible to just invite the adults.

Yes, everyone has the right to invite who they want to their wedding, but whether he likes it or not this is making a statement about how he views their relationship, and it is a hurtful one that will inevitably change the future dynamic. I don't think the OP is wrong for not taking it up with him, it would seem like she was begging for an invite.

It is somewhat different as not family but I had an old (and I thought close) friend who did not invite me to her wedding and oddly invited just one member of our friendship group of four people. I don't resent her choice and I obviously wouldn't have wanted to go if she didn't want me there but none of us previously realized she felt closer to this one friend than the rest of us. It was of course her choice, but it certainly made a statement about how she saw things and it has been pretty much the end of the friendship tbh.

I'm sure in the case of family this will come out in the wash in the end, but it's not really for the OP to fix I don't think. Talking about it every week in front of them and never mentioning this was also incredibly insensitive, as was demanding an expensive gift/ allowing her to change her holiday dates unnecessarily! He did not address it personally with the OP or her brother so I think it makes it v difficult for her to do so at least in the near term.

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 14:54

They don't have to be invited just because they're family. I don't get what's so hard to understand about that, although they could have managed this better and have been insensitive.

Several aunts and uncles weren't invited to my wedding and almost all my cousins weren't.

All my friends came, that was my priority because it was my wedding.

The OP and her brother aren't helping the situation and should try to resolve it for the benefit of their mother.

JessieMcJessie · 22/04/2019 15:01

Those aunts and uncles you didn’t invite feelingsinister- did you see them once a week and talk to them about your wedding every time you saw them? And we’re they also your Godparents?
Don’t you get “what’s so hard to undsrstand” about the particular relationship between OP, her DB2 and the couple?

MRex · 22/04/2019 15:02

@feelingsinister - "I didn't invite my aunts and uncles, therefore it's fine and nobody is allowed to be upset."

Always one! If you eloped or just had 10 people then it's fine, if you invited a gang of mates instead of your family then it's rude. You need to know that either you don't ever see your aunts and uncles, or you hurt them badly when you didn't invite them. That's just how it is. A wedding is supposed to be welcoming DH / DW into the other FAMILY, not a random piss-up, save those for your birthday. In 20 years they'll still be your family when you've lost contact with 3/4 of those mates. Tough in your case I doubt they'll put themselves out for you after leaving them out of your wedding.

Motoko · 22/04/2019 15:03

So yes, I think he could have had some influence (if he’d wanted to) on the guest list, after all he’s paying for the wedding.

He could at least have explained to his son, how his aunt and uncle would feel, and what message it would send to them, and that perhaps he should reconsider if he didn't want to hurt them and cause ill feeling.

TidyDancer · 22/04/2019 15:07

I think the family dynamic can probably only be repaired here with a genuine and heartfelt apology from the DN. Ultimately the whole situation has been caused by his selfishness and insensitivity and so only he can really put it right. The OP is behaving with dignity and doing the best she can to avoid conflict in the circumstances. It isn't her fault her DN is an arsehole and her DB won't stand up to him.

LagunaBubbles · 22/04/2019 15:08

You mentioned a shed load of other relatives though who are normally at Gran’s maybe he thought he would have to invite them as well

Oh yeh at least 8 to 10 family members, how on earth would they get fitted in on a guest list of at least 100 friends eh?

acalmerfuture · 22/04/2019 15:14

What did the invite say, 'Dear Jessicawessica, we don't actually like you enough to buy you a meal, but we would like you to give us a pressie. Thanks, the Bride and Groom' ?

ineedaholidaynow · 22/04/2019 15:15

OP, do your family ever get together not at your DM's? Is she the pivotal reason everyone meets up on a Sunday? If there hadn't been this upset with the wedding, do you think these meet ups would continue if your DM was no longer around?

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 15:20

@MRex I didn't say nobody is allowed to be upset but that doesn't change that the bride and groom are the only ones who should be deciding who comes to their wedding.

For you, weddings might be a family affair but for others they are about who they are closest too and that might not be their family.

SenecaFalls · 22/04/2019 15:23

For you, weddings might be a family affair but for others they are about who they are closest too and that might not be their family.

I find it very hard to imagine that all of those other 150 people are closer then these family members that they spend every Sunday with.

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 15:23

@JessieMcJessie no I don't see them regularly and never have as an adult.

I also didn't have two of my godparents there because I don't see them either.

If my grandparents had lived longer I could well have been in a situation where I would see relatives regularly but still wouldn't have chosen them to be part of my wedding day.

I have said it's a bit odd to exclude such a small family (mine is huge) and also that the nephew has been insensitive. I have also said that the only way to get to the bottom of it is for the OP to speak directly to her nephew but she clearly isn't going to do that and is instead going to widen the rift further.

If none of them are able to actually talk to each other they really can't be that close can they?

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 15:24

@Motoko Maybe he did.

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 15:26

@SenecaFalls I agree but we don't actually know why they're not invited. Maybe he doesn't like them? Awkward.

Motoko · 22/04/2019 15:33

@feelingsinister surely he would have told OP if he had. I know I would have told her that I'd spoken to him about it.

EWAB · 22/04/2019 15:48

I imagine that the bride and groom are only in touch with the OP and DB2 because the grandmother is still alive giving OP an unrealistic sense of the relationship between them all.
What the bride and groom did wrong was talk about the wedding on these Sunday get togethers.
Now I am inclined to think that OP and DB2 should not have declined but have gone along with it for the gran’s sake.
OP if you are still there was DB2’s partner and adult cousins invited to the evening do?

MRex · 22/04/2019 15:55

@feelingsinister - if you never see your family then that's very different. If you'd been having weekly Sunday lunch and then excluded them in favour of some mates then that would have been unnecessarily nasty, just the same as OP's DN. I don't know how big your wedding was, nor how old you are now, but it seems like you feel the big crowd of friends from your youth will always be around. That's very unusual, but good luck!

SenecaFalls · 22/04/2019 15:56

I really don't think that the presence of the grandmother is all that crucial to the family bond. My mother is dead, but I still have a lot of contact with my siblings and certainly would expect to be invited to their children's weddings.

Nowaytm · 22/04/2019 15:59

If none of them are able to talk to each other they really can't be that close, can they?

I don't think you read AIBU much feelingsinister. There are all sorts of reasons people don't resolve things face to face: difficult relationships, fear of conflict, lack of debating skills. People who do this naturally don't get it.

Anyway, the brother and the DN could equally have been honest from the outset but weren't. Tbh if someone regularly discussed their wedding in front of me, I'd think there's a fair chance that I was going to be invited unless I was very peripheral, like a casual acquaintance or a distant work colleague.

I expect you also hurt members of your family when you didn't invite them to your wedding. It's not their fault they're hurt, any more than you have an obligation to invite them.

SenecaFalls · 22/04/2019 16:01

but it seems like you feel the big crowd of friends from your youth will always be around. That's very unusual, but good luck!

I remember having this conversation with my daughter when she got married in her early 20s. At that age, we often think that our close friends are going to be with us forever and that family is less important. But what often happens is that those friends fall away and family becomes more important. it's not a universal experience, but it is very common.

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 16:10

@MRex all still around many years later actually, I've chosen my lovely friends well.

feelingsinister · 22/04/2019 16:16

@SenecaFalls that is very much the situation in our family. My grandparents and their home was the hub of the wider family and that's where people would see each other. When they/the house was no longer there people didn't meet up unless they really wanted to and made plans individually.

That meant a lot of family members had almost no contact with each other because they didn't actually like each other that much and had nothing in common.

I don't think relationships should be forced because people are related. I see the people I care about and who care about me. I know what's important.

Lizzie48 · 22/04/2019 16:22

I’m very close to my DSis and our DDs love their cousins, who are the same ages. We have a good relationship with my BIL and SIL but their DC are older than ours so whether they’ll be close in the future is another matter.

Our closeness to our siblings isn’t at all dependent on my DM or my MIL. We see each other separately from them.

I also have close friends, who are important to me, but, apart from my friend from uni who I’m still very close to now, and a few others who I stay in touch with via Facebook, I have a completely different circle of friends now from when I was in my twenties.

There are usually very few friends in our lives who are friends all through our lives.

All I’m saying really is that you really shouldn’t burn your bridges with your family, they’re the ones who will still be there when most of your friends are long gone.

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