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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
BonnesVacances · 22/04/2019 09:54

I suspect DB1 will be more relaxed about you and DB2 not being invited to the ceremony, than he will be about neither of you buying DN a wedding gift because you're not attending. So I'd prepare yourself for that nearer the time.

BasinHaircut · 22/04/2019 10:12

Weddings make everyone behave strangely.

DH’s cousin left DH and I out when inviting the whole enormous extended family to her wedding. This was in response to us not inviting any of DH’s cousins to ours, as we had a small wedding and invited aunts and uncles only. We weren’t bothered as not close but it was obviously a snub.

But she chickened out though and sent us a last minute invite saying some had got lost in the post. We declined. I would have had more respect for her if she had stuck to trying to be a nasty bitch.

pinkyredrose · 22/04/2019 10:14

LizzieRose with all due respect i really don't think going to one West African village wedding qualifies you to speak on behalf of all Third World weddings.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 22/04/2019 10:16

From what my mum has told me, it was pretty quiet at her's yesterday.
Just the bride and groom and DB1.
Normally there would be me and 2 DCs, DB2 and his partner with 2 DCs, DB2's daughter, husband and 1DC as well as DB1, DN fiancee and their DD
DN seemed surprised.
Apparently he had been planning on having an easter egg hunt in the garden for the children!
Honestly don't get thick skinned people at all.
Anyway, they all left earlier than usual.
DB2 has invited me a barbeque at his this evening....DCs included. There will also be some friends and neighbours there. He's not invited DB1 or DN though. Seeing as it's a small village it's bound to get back to them.
This is getting a bit tit for tat for my liking. No idea what's going to happen next.
Will go though after spending afternoon with mum.

OP posts:
ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 22/04/2019 10:19

Sounds like a plan op. Hopefully your DN will now be realising that you can't exclude a huge chunk of your family (and you do all sound close, too) without really hurting feelings.

Stiffasaboard · 22/04/2019 10:19

DN needs to get the message though and then own his decision.

Do you feel if he explained and at least understood the hurt he has caused that you could move on in the future?

In many ways I’d be most upset by DB1 I think.

Lizzie48 · 22/04/2019 10:20

I’m not saying it does. But I do know that the Western custom of it being only about the bride and groom is not one that is practised in other parts of the world. It wasn’t like that here either historically.

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/04/2019 10:20

jessicawessica perhaps people are re-evaluating relationships in the light of this. They thought they were close to the bride and groom and now they know it's one-sided. A change for everyone to get used to I'm afraid.

TheSerenDipitY · 22/04/2019 10:26

has anyone told him his aunt and uncle and cousins are a very hurt that they are not important enough to him to actually be invited to his wedding... cause from what i can see that simple act has now fractured the relationship between you all, and if hes so thick ( skinned) that he doesn't realise what hes done, then maybe someone needs to spell it out to him in very small words, so he gets it.... as any family gathering from now on will be tense because of this, and that is if you and your brother and kids can "suck it up" and "get over it" and sort of "let it go" as it were.... i know i would find that very difficult to do so

Holidayshopping · 22/04/2019 10:27

Does DN have your Rsvp?

Does he know you aren’t going?

itstheweekend2 · 22/04/2019 10:28

Does DN officially know that OP and DB2 have declined ? Did he pick up the RSVP yesterday

SmellsLikeAdultSpirit · 22/04/2019 10:29

I would also see it as a reevaluation of relationships rather than tit for tat
Your brother thought you were a close family who did things together. Why should he bother facilitating that when DN and his Dad don't feel the same way

Nanny0gg · 22/04/2019 10:31

But it would be a shame for your family gatherings at your mum's to stop now, so I'd be inclined to go and make sure to change the subject or leave the room or something completely obvious if it got to talk of The Wedding.

But then my middle names are Petty And Vindictive and I hold a grudge for life.

Grin

Will also be fun when they bring the photos round...

Original poster
jessicawessica · 22/04/2019 10:32

I delivered the RSVP to DN's house yesterday.
I didn't want to leave it at mum's as it wouldn't be fair if she had to hand it over to him. So just popped it through his letterbox.
I suppose I should have given it him face to face, but he didn't show me the same courtesy, so.....

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 22/04/2019 10:34

What did you day in the RSVP in the end?

SnuggyBuggy · 22/04/2019 10:37

As you say he sounds like a very thick skinned person who maybe doesn't see things from other people's points of view easily.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 22/04/2019 10:39

I just ticked the "Regretfully Decline" box.
Sadly there wasn't a box for "Not coming because you are a Tit".

OP posts:
Justonemorepancake · 22/04/2019 10:39

Your DN sounds like a bit of a dick. Sorry...

purplecorkheart · 22/04/2019 10:43

Does DB1 know that you are not invited? Seems awful to be excluding him when he may not even know.

museumsandgalleries666 · 22/04/2019 10:46

I think your nephew sounds like an unpleasant git. The fact he's also your godson makes his actions worse. i'd steer clear of him in future, he has little regard for you. Send a card to mark the occasion, and perhaps a voucher for a charity gift eg adopt a dog .....

Weddings can be toxic and political affairs. I was invited to a wedding many years ago where another guest approached me with a big fake smile and went on to say that thanks to me being invited her second son couldn't attend due to lack of seating available and that if I wasn't there he would be able to attend. I told her to take it up with her hostess - I didn't even know who the son was!

Holidayshopping · 22/04/2019 10:46

Does DB1 know that you are not invited? Seems awful to be excluding him when he may not even know.

Yes, he does know-the OP has clarified this already.

SecretMillionaire · 22/04/2019 10:46

I would expect that DB1 will have spoken with both the bride and groom about his conversations with both you and DB2 after they left. A little quiet reflection won’t do any of them any harm and maybe they will realise that a carefully choreographed wedding won’t mean a thing if loved ones aren’t there to see it or have lost all respect for them in the process

Wheresmyvagina · 22/04/2019 10:55

This is shockingly rude.

saraclara · 22/04/2019 10:58

I suppose I should have given it him face to face, but he didn't show me the same courtesy, so.....

Yeah, tit for tat is always such a mature way to address things #sarcasmfont

So you've still not actually communicated properly and tried to resolve this. And your previously close family is about to implode.

I think I'm going to have to change my handle to TakeTheHighRoad or BeTheBetterPerson, because it's pretty much what needs saying on every thread. I can't believe how much falling out happens and is actively encouraged on this forum.

TidyDancer · 22/04/2019 10:59

I'm not a fan of tit for tat but I think regarding your DB2 and the barbecue, it's probably not a bad thing for your DB1 and DN to understand why what they've said/done has hurt so much.

They've been shitty to the whole family and they need to face that.

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