To just refuse the wedding invitation

[jessicawessica]

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

Traditionally, in England at least, the bride's parents host the reception. They pay, the invitations come from them, and they have some say over who is invited (but obviously shouldn't abuse this).

I'm not clear in this case whether OP's brother is hosting the reception, or whether he is just paying. I think it makes a difference in principle (though in this case it shouldn't make a difference in practice as the OP, her brother, and their children, are close enough relatives that they should automatically get an invitation).

It's not really controlling to say I'll help with wedding costs provided you arent a total arsehole about who you invite.

On all future Sundays I wouldn’t hesitate to hmm noncommittally at a wedding comment and change the topic.

How are you today OP? Please do continue to go to your mums each Sunday, but I agree if chat turns to the wedding either shut the talk down a ‘that’s nice dear and how has your week been db2’ should do. Or get up and walk out of the room.

I think some people throw the word "controlling" about without understanding what it really means - usually when they disagree with someone. I agree with you Slapping

It's not a 'First World problem' at all! I'm quite sure people in the Third World would be devastated by such a blatant snub by close family.

OP I'd struggle to come back from this, it must be awful to see where your nephews priorities lie.

So sorry op! It must’ve been quite a shock. I’d have liked to have been a fly on the wall at their get together yesterday though...

How are you today OP? I hope things are okay with your mum after yesterday and that you get to enjoy the BH Monday with her, without the elephant in the room trumpeting too loudly.

@StillCoughingandLaughing

As everyone has told you there is a very obvious difference between flower arrangements and inviting very close family members who you see weekly to your wedding. The former just reflects personal taste and the latter involves the feelings of your loved ones. Most people wouldn't want to contribute towards an event that would exclude very close family because it's cruel and unkind. That is not in the least bit controlling everyone has a right to decide what they spend their money on.

@jessicawessica
Hope you manage to have the fun day with your DM as you'd planned

I think the quiet little bride is a secret Bridezilla!

Family weddings can cause such hurt and it's awful. We've had several in our family and each time it happens it has taken over a decade to get back to normal relationships.

I think it is utterly crass and completely without class to dominate weekly family gatherings with talk of this big wedding for 2 years about the minute details of the wedding, and then not invite the people you've been talking to about it.

Also. Groomsmen. Since when were they a thing in the UK?

I thought we called them ushers over here

They had every right to exclude us but absolutely no right to expect us to just suck it up.

This is the comment that perfectly sums up the thread.

As everyone has told you there is a very obvious difference between flower arrangements and inviting very close family members who you see weekly to your wedding.

Who is this ‘everyone’ and why do they think they can ‘tell’ me anything? You have one view; I have another. You’re acting like what you’re saying is fact rather than opinion.

This is rubbish OP.

I can understand it's difficult to plan a wedding but sounds like your nephew is just being selfish!

This particular snub wouldn’t happen in the Third World, I think. Weddings are not just about the bride and groom there, but about the families involved, they don’t get to make all the decisions like they do here. (I attended a village wedding when I was visiting West Africa.)

That comment was for PinkyRose about the accusation that this is a first world problem.

@StillCoughingandLaughing

If you need be to be explicit everyone who has discussed the issue with you on the thread has explained that flower arrangements and colour schemes are not the same as excluding close relatives from your wedding. I suspect you're just arguing for the sake of it now. NO one could fail to see the difference between choosing to have a certain colour of dress for the bridesmaid (no one's feelings will be hurt even if they don't like your choice) and very rudely excluding close family members who have been listening to you discuss the wedding for two years (people's feelings will be very hurt and relationships potentially ruined).

I wouldn't mind funding something which doesn't reflect my personal taste. I would mind funding something which was rude and hurtful to my loved ones. I think you'll find very few people who would find this controlling.

Again, you’re saying ‘explained’, as if I’ve misunderstood somehow. I haven’t. I just. Don’t. AGREE. How hard is that to process?

Did they all go to your mum’s yesterday afternoon, OP? Do you know what was said?

@StillCoughingandLaughing

OK so you're just arguing for the sake of it. People were just giving you credit for not holding a completely daft position. Nobody is going to give money towards something they think is rude/unkind/an arseholish thing to do. I bet you wouldn't either. If I promised to fund a holiday for someone then found out they were going to be hunting elephants I'd take the money back. If I was going to fund a wedding then found out my beloved relations who we see every week and have been discussing the wedding constantly with were going to be excluded I'd say no sorry I don't want to facilitate that.

You know full well that flower arrangements don't hurt anyone's feelings and wedding invitations do. You're clearly arguing for the sake of it.

Really? Hidden from who? I can see it and post on it?

Post not thread.

@StillCoughingandLaughing

I think people are confused because your point seems bizarre. You'd be happy to pay for a wedding even if the B&G were behaving terribly? You think being rude to your relations is on the same level as choosing a bad colour scheme? I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone to sympathise with that view point!