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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
woolduvet · 21/04/2019 19:22

Gosh I'm sorry, this must really hurt, make sure your mum doesn't feel stuck in the middle.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/04/2019 19:27

This notion that parents are supposed to fork over large sums of money so that their children can have a show wedding, but then have no say in matters that affect basic human decency, is ridiculous.

Who has said they’re ‘supposed to’? There’s no obligation to do so. But to say ‘I’ll help pay if...’ IS controlling.

Timeforacupoftea · 21/04/2019 19:45

Really? I don’t understand this thread at all. It is their wedding. It seems very childish and entitled for grown adults to make such a fuss and be so controlling. Either go or don’t, but do it graciously and move on. First world problems indeed.

7salmonswimming · 21/04/2019 19:52

I’ve just seen you and DB2 are godparents to DN, too 😲😲

Sounds like DB1 and his son know the price of things but not their value.

Smh.

Graphista · 21/04/2019 20:03

Personally I think this goes back way further than the wedding, your brother (and his wife/partner?) have done a very poor job of raising Dn if he cannot display the most basic of good manners - which is treating well the people that have always been there for you and treated you well. Especially when those people are also family.

Very poor show. If dd behaved like this or as I said before if I or my siblings did the parents of those behaving badly would be ashamed.

crispysausagerolls · 21/04/2019 20:05

I am so sorry to read this sad update. DB1 does not even have your back! Awful

SenecaFalls · 21/04/2019 20:12

Who has said they’re ‘supposed to’? There’s no obligation to do so. But to say ‘I’ll help pay if...’ IS controlling.

I think you may have misunderstood my post. "Supposed to, but

No one has an obligation to contribute, but anyone contributing is certainly entitled to withdraw that contribution if it is being used in a manner that hurts other family members. I don't see that as controlling; I see it as taking a principled stand.

It is an unfortunate aspect of modern society that so many weddings have basically become a me-fest for the bride and groom, often with little concern about how choices affect other people.

pepperpot99 · 21/04/2019 20:24

The height of rudeness. Sorry, OP.

saraclara · 21/04/2019 20:24

My daughter's getting married in the summer. She and her fiance are paying for most of it, though I've paid for the dress and a couple of items. When they drew up the guest list, they asked me who I'd like them to invite 'for me' They already had my daughter's aunt/uncle, cousins and great aunt, but also wanted to give me the chance to have a couple of close friends.

I'd be surprised if nephew's parents really had no say or inkling about the list, especially when they were paying.

BottleOfJameson · 21/04/2019 20:27

Really? I don’t understand this thread at all. It is their wedding. It seems very childish and entitled for grown adults to make such a fuss and be so controlling. Either go or don’t, but do it graciously and move on. First world problems indeed.

Of course it's a first world problem! We live in the first world. Your comment is odd to me do you mean to suggest that unless we don't have a clean water supply we should pretend never to be hurt by what other people say or do? Or is it just when people are getting married that they have carte blanche to be rude and unkind to all their friends and family?

BottleOfJameson · 21/04/2019 20:28

Who has said they’re ‘supposed to’? There’s no obligation to do so. But to say ‘I’ll help pay if...’ IS controlling

That's not controlling. No one has to contribute financially and it's fine to remove that contribution if it's being used towards something the contributor doesn't feel comfortable with.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/04/2019 20:29

I think you may have misunderstood my post.

I understand completely. I just don’t agree.

Brefugee · 21/04/2019 21:26

Late to the party but I'd have declined with a "nope".

But it would be a shame for your family gatherings at your mum's to stop now, so I'd be inclined to go and make sure to change the subject or leave the room or something completely obvious if it got to talk of The Wedding.

But then my middle names are Petty And Vindictive and I hold a grudge for life.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 21/04/2019 21:50

Anyone else find it rather depressing, the number of posters on here who support the view that "it's their wedding and they can do what the fuck they like?"
Sure, that's technically true, but really? Trample all over the feelings of close family and not give a damn?
Charming.

UserName31456789 · 21/04/2019 21:58

@StillCoughingandLaughing

There's a massive difference between saying "I paid for the wedding so I want to micromanage the flower arrangements and bridesmaid dresses" and saying that if members of your close family are going to be (quite rudely) omitted from the invite list you don't feel comfortable contributing to the event any more. The former would be controlling and the latter obviously isn't.

UserName31456789 · 21/04/2019 21:59

@OhDearGodLookAtThisMess

Yes it's very depressing obviously they're allowed to invite who they like but it's stupid to imagine that the people they do and don't invite aren't going to be hurt by it. If other people's feelings don't matter to you you're not a nice person wedding or no wedding.

LagunaBubbles · 21/04/2019 22:02

Really? I don’t understand this thread at all. It is their wedding. It seems very childish and entitled for grown adults to make such a fuss and be so controlling. Either go or don’t, but do it graciously and move on. First world problems indeed

Clearly you have a limited understanding of human emotions and relationships to then.

mathanxiety · 21/04/2019 22:58

Stuff em! I've wasted a whole day seething about this. End of.
Think I'll go and read the other disastrous wedding thread. Sounds like she got shafted more than I did.

I like the cut of your jib, jessicawessica

(And your DB1 is spineless. No wonder his son turned out the way he did.)

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/04/2019 23:14

Just skimming through the OP's posts, her nephew sounds more and more of a peach. He's been with his fiancee for long enough for them to have a daughter together, and the three of them live with his mum. When his dad offered him money for a house deposit, no, he wanted the money but for a big splashy wedding. His priority was a foreign stag do and 10 groomsmen in white at a country club 30 miles from the village they all live in, rather than housing his family. Despite his fiancee (who OP describes as "very nice, very quiet" ) having told OP that "she was never that fussed about a big wedding.....it's DN who has always wanted the house, car, big wedding, Stag do abroad, etc."

He frankly sounds as if he's desperate to impress the 150 guests he is having to his country club wedding. Does he have reason to feel so inadequate, @jessicawessica?

Kisskiss · 22/04/2019 00:02

I already think evening only invites with gift lists attached are grabby. Given this is a big wedding and the couple are close family - grabby, rude AND insensitive. YANBU to want to decline. Defo don’t give a gift either!!!

Britneyspearsatemytoast · 22/04/2019 01:39

So just to clarify, his father was going to give him money for a house deposit because he fuct off uni but he said no to a house, because he wanted a Stanford Blatch- esque wedding with ten men in white suits instead? HuhHmm

Motoko · 22/04/2019 02:03

Does he have reason to feel so inadequate,

Maybe he's got a little willy.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 22/04/2019 02:25

There's a massive difference between saying "I paid for the wedding so I want to micromanage the flower arrangements and bridesmaid dresses" and saying that if members of your close family are going to be (quite rudely) omitted from the invite list you don't feel comfortable contributing to the event any more. The former would be controlling and the latter obviously isn't.

I disagree. Each scenario involves telling the bride and groom what to do. There’s no ‘obvious’ difference about it.

Nowaytm · 22/04/2019 03:13

I completely understand why you're upset about this OP. One thing saying people should do what they want for their wedding, quite another to expect someone else not to be hurt by it when they thought the person cared about them. People have feelings and they get hurt, isn't that obvious?

My husband and I were excluded from the wedding of a v close family member. It's never been the same between them since because he feels hurt and that they don't really care about him. They had every right to exclude us but absolutely no right to expect us to just suck it up. We didn't even find out until after the wedding so couldn't have done anything about it beforehand and my husband never wanted to raise it with them afterwards and it wasn't my place to.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2019 05:59

@StillCoughingandLaughing
As a parent I wouldn’t stand idly by whilst my child bought a property, which is well overpriced or a dud with or without giving them a deposit. That’s not controlling. That’s good business sense. I certainly don’t expect to tell her what to buy.

Your family didn’t have a say. Good for you. I imagine you chose wisely.

Just because my dd will one day be an adult, she will have less experience than me in some areas and more in others. I totally expect her to give me advice in some areas for it is a two way process, you know. If I am reading your posts correctly, your default stance seems to be unable to recognise this.

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