To just refuse the wedding invitation

[jessicawessica]

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

I have a theory about certain weddings and attitudes of the bride and/or groom and whether there's a correlation to how long the marriage lasts.

Just saying...

I think that DN has behaved pretty badly here. It is very bad form to meet family weekly and discuss your lavish, country club, wedding plans with your aunt and uncle while knowing they are not going to be invited. However, even worse in my opinion is to allow this misconception to continue so that your aunt's family are cutting short their holiday plans and your uncle is taking leave from work to accommodate the wedding that you are not inviting them to.

The behaviour of your dn and fiancee is extremely rude.

It's all about the production for him. Just step back. I think the idea of a card with a M&S Dine in for Two wedding card is an excellent idea! I definitely wouldn't invest more than that because such marriages rarely last long.

You know your worth now.
Normally i say it’s their wedding, but you’re close family. I can understand not inviting kids to keep it small, but mot inviting aunts&uncles they see every week is a kick in the teeth.
I would not go to the evening do, and i’d refuse any pity invite.

I don't have anything more to add to PP but.... someone mentioned another wedding thread where there was ripping into. Anyone a kinky?!!!

So dn didn't want his money for a house deposit would rather live with mum but wants it to waste on a stag do abroad and what the hel is a groomsman

DN's behaviour is bad enough - is his fiancee a bridezilla or are they as bad as each other?

I feel sorry for your mother but couldn't she be brave enough to tell this pair how she feels about their plans which are upsetting, thoughtless and downright bad-mannered?

As mentioned upthread they don't have a pot to piss in.

This is wedding wankery at its finest.

I am an absolute veteran of disappointing family weddings. My brother didn’t invite his siblings’ spouses. It was a very small wedding though. We were told that if they invited people close to us it would mean not inviting someone close to them!
Someone up thread spoke about how the nephew views the Sunday at Grandma’s. He probably goes to see her because she’s important to him and that’ Why she is invited and the rest of the family are peripheral to him.
I too hate ‘tiered’ guests. Can understand why kids aren’t invited (and sometimes understand why partners aren’t invited) But what is utterly UNFORGIVABLE is talking about the bloody day in front of people who are either not invited at all or just to the evening.
I would try and maintain dignity but say it’s inconvenient to go just for an evening. If you kick off you will be the pushy entitled one as far as they are concerned and they will tell everyone.

But what is utterly UNFORGIVABLE is talking about the bloody day in front of people who are either not invited at all or just to the evening.

This!

And if you talk about your wedding to people then who doesn't say "Just so you know, we're only invting Aunts/Uncles/Whoever in the evening because of numbers/to keep things even"

Who isn't invited is usually one of the first things that people say nowadays because of cost.

Wow, I am so shocked at your DN and DB1. But honestly, your DN sounds like a thoughtless fool anyway for choosing a big wedding (10 white suited groomsmen!) over a deposit for a house.

Can you re-extend your holiday? There's no sense in coming back early then sitting at home feeling sad while the wedding is on.

@TidyDancer , How is Gluezilla's marriage panning out?

@OhDearGodLookAtThisMess they are still together but I haven't actually spoken to them (yes I know, what a shock ). I think they may have moved closer to me recently - I know they've moved house and I did see them from a distance a few weeks ago. They have a DS now. She kept calling him 'the milk pig' when he was born which just made me cringe. Apart from that, I sadly know very little about them!

Ahh yes Tidy you were the poster years ago with a gluezilla friend. Since then, there has been so many articles on bridezillas who are much worse, this gluezilla asked her BM to have an abortion

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6900291/Bridesmaid-reveals-bride-asked-abortion-wedding-run-smoothly.html

RSVP no
Do not send a present.
Do not sit through anymore wedding talk.
If they ever need a favour, they can ask one of the 100 people they consider to be closer to them to do it.

It sounds really crap OP, and little wonder you're upset by it.

I'm convinced family weddings bring out the worst in people.

I'd be upset too .
Decline and explain why.

I'd go to the lunch and tell them honestly exactly what you've said here.

That is really hurtful.

I hope you will be ok.

I would RSVP with how disappointed you all are, as during numerous family get together with constant talk the wedding implied we were all guests to the whole celebration. To have discussed all your plan to us when you intended not to include us is rude the extreme and that is why I am declining the evening only invitation.

And MNers, this in one of those times when revenge and anger is NOT the best way forward. So let's not encourage it from the safety of our laptop screens.

Tempted to report this as not in the 'spirit of the site' :-)

@donquixotedelamancha I love that!

DO NOT BUY THEM A GIFT FROM THAT RUDELY DELIVERED LIST.

While I do agree that money should be given without strings attached I do think invitations for family members you see weekly and who were present for the wedding discussions should be part of the deal for receiving the funds. I don’t consider that controlling but good manners and an investment in the family. Take another example, giving cash for a specific purpose such as a house purchase. The money is for that express purpose alone, not for spending thousands on class A drugs and holidays. It could be argued that money also comes with strings. Because it is only given for a specific purpose and the parents will quite possibly have some input into the house purchased not to control but in an advisory capacity so that their children invest wisely.

So what you mean is, no strings attached, apart from the ones that are ‘part of the deal’? Sounds like conditions to me!

My parents helped me buy my first house. They absolutely had the right to say ‘the money is for a house and nothing else’. They did NOT get to approve or veto individual properties.

Do you want an invite now? Would you go now if you got an invite after basically asking for one?

I would buy an M&S dine in gift card with a wedding card theme for £10 and hand it over when you see them after the wedding.

This is a little bit ott.

The OP should go halves with DB2 and make it a £5 each.

They did NOT get to approve or veto individual properties.

Weddings are different, though. They are social occasions where relationships with family members can become very important. DH and I contributed substantially to the weddings of both of our children. Happily, both of mine understood the importance of including various family members, but if they had not, I would certainly not have enabled their
rudeness and insensitivity through a financial contribution that had no expectations. This notion that parents are supposed to fork over large sums of money so that their children can have a show wedding, but then have no say in matters that affect basic human decency, is ridiculous.