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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2019 12:52

Did you ask him what your mum was supposed to do on her own there for the day?

Original poster

jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 12:52

Well at least I know where I stand now.

OP posts:

losingfaith · 21/04/2019 12:52

Not ideal, but at least you now know where you stand with them.

cheesenpickles · 21/04/2019 12:52

@jessicawessica blatantly knew and blatantly been begged by DN to stick up for them.

cstaff · 21/04/2019 12:53

How to cause a family rift in one fell swoop. Seriously, for the sake of a few extra invites they are ok, including your db1 by the sounds of it , breaking up what sounds like a close family. Some people just don't think beyond themselves.

Holidayshopping · 21/04/2019 12:54

Did you ask him how your mum was supposed to get there?

Bunbunbunny · 21/04/2019 12:54

Wow, that's so cruel, sod it go round your DMs as she's probably hurt too. Why should you miss out seeing her at Easter because of your DN

MRex · 21/04/2019 12:55

Of course DN can invite who he likes. He can also deal with the fact that some people will justifiably think he's a selfish knob for failing to invite close family. It's a shame DB1 couldn't understand the point, but at least you've talked it out now.

I got the Private Dancer version too @SmellsLikeAdultSpirit.

saraclara · 21/04/2019 12:56

Take the high road, OP. P.

I've seen dreadful family rifts over less. Take a step back, and think of your parents. Your problem is with your nephew. But any fallout from this is going to impact your entire family, especially as you live so close.

Be the better person.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 21/04/2019 12:56

Ah so it wasn’t a mistake... that’s awkward and a shame.
An invite now won’t “fix” anything anyway the damage is done.

Agree with others just decline and don’t get into it - If asked directly you have valid reasons.
Throughly shitty behaviour on your DN’s part.

MoaningMinniee · 21/04/2019 12:56

I think you're well off out of it TBH. DN and his unfortunate fiancee are surely heading for disaster long term if they're prioritising a ridiculously OTT wedding over sorting out getting a home together.

Ruru8thestars · 21/04/2019 12:56

So you’ve declined then?

CrotchetyQuaver · 21/04/2019 12:56

Oh dear, it sounds like DB1 already knew about your invitations.

Well I think you let them know later you're not interested in listening to their wedding talk any more if you're only deemed worthy of an evening do invitation. Bollocks to the lot of them. Even if you did get a full invite now, it's too late as the damage is already done. On that basis I'd be happy to let them know how you feel. Ideally plain facts without any emotion.

StoneofDestiny · 21/04/2019 12:57

OP - think of all the money you'll save on wedding outfits, presents, transport and accommodation - put it towards a nice holiday instead. You've found out where you are on the family pecking order now.

Branleuse · 21/04/2019 12:57

yes abolutely up to them who they invite, but that doesnt mean that excluding close family members from a bloody wedding will mean you get to keep same relationship after youve snubbed them

NoCauseRebel · 21/04/2019 12:58

Do you actually know that all of her family have been invited to the whole event and yours haven’t?

Because mush of this seems to be based on assumption here.

Yes they’ve talked about this big day etc, but is it possible they’ve invited mostly their close friends, parents of the b/g and grandparents? You don’t actually know at this stage that her family have been invited as well do you?

saraclara · 21/04/2019 12:58

And MNers, this in one of those times when revenge and anger is NOT the best way forward. So let's not encourage it from the safety of our laptop screens.

I've just been on a thread where people are winding the OP up into letting rip with her family. We won't be picking up the pieces so I think that's unfair.

saraclara · 21/04/2019 13:00

And MNers, this in one of those times when revenge and anger is NOT the best way forward. So let's not encourage it from the safety of our laptop screens.

I've just been on a thread where people are winding the OP up into letting rip with her family. We won't be picking up the pieces so I think that's unfair.

(Not that people are so far, I hasten to add!)

TeddybearBaby · 21/04/2019 13:00

How are you feeling op?

Holidayshopping · 21/04/2019 13:00

I was hoping your db would have been shocked, sorry, OP.

Are you going to your mum’s today still?

Original poster

jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 13:00

TBH I was so surprised by DB1s lack of concern that I completely forgot to ask how mum would cope on the day.
At least I don't have to listen to their wedding talk every Sunday now.

OP posts:

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 21/04/2019 13:00

DSS2 didn't invite any aunts, uncles or cousins to his wedding. His family invitations were issued to his parents and step parents, his brothers (DS was one of his groomsmen, DSS1 was not), and my parents, sister and grandmother, all of whom he has been close to for years. His reason was that if he invited one cousin, he would have to invite them all, same with aunts and uncles, and he didn't want the drama and preferred to use their 'spaces' for the people he was really close to. Nothing personal. But his aunts, uncles and cousins were upset not to be included.

cheesenpickles · 21/04/2019 13:02

Def agree @saraclara. Don't eat or do anything that will give them leverage to make you out to be the bad guys. That's what they've decided and that how they are rolling with it, absolutely fine.

Tbh I think db1 would always stick up for his son, sounds like dn may be a tad spoilt. Db1 probably is feeling awkward af but feels the need to take his son's side.

Don't let your poor mum suffer though.

SecretMillionaire · 21/04/2019 13:03

You know where you stand with both your brother and your nephew now. The one who is going to struggle the most now is your mother. She has already had the first Sunday meet up depleted of family as a result and it’s been made clear her nephew doesn’t think much of her either as no consideration has been made as to how she gets to the wedding or have any company.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/04/2019 13:03

And MNers, this in one of those times when revenge and anger is NOT the best way forward. So let's not encourage it from the safety of our laptop screens.