To just refuse the wedding invitation

[jessicawessica]

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

[waving to those who remembered my bridezilla thread]

OP, I had the ultimate cheeky fucker wedding situation and even I think YANBU or overreacting or whatever. You've handled this well so far.

Fact is, there are some right selfish twats out there!

I hope you manage to talk to DB1 and explain how this is making you all feel.

At least its mega obvious you can't attend the evening do if your DC aren't invited!

It sounds like the bride is well and truly in charge

Also, it's not the 'done thing' putting a gift list in with an evening invitation...what the actual hell! Very very cheeky.

Oh, quite common now and not just a list but a request for money. Because you're supposed to be 'grateful' the deigned to invite you to anything at all because 'weddings are expensive'.

Just be grateful it wasn't a poem...

or maybe your DM will sort it all by letting them know she's upset that no-one is coming around today because Dneph's upset them all....

Am I the only one who gets a song when I read tidydancer
I'm your tidy dancer, a dancer for money do what you want me to do
I'm your tidy dancer, a dancer for money and any old music will do

I've had it in my head since tidydancer was mentioned

Please don't let this fester any longer, it could break your family apart.

I get Tiny Dancer by Elton John instead

Think you mean Private Dancer!

I tend to think of Elton John Tiny Dancer!

It’s a play on Tiny Dancer by Elton John so yes to a song but not a Tina Turner one.

His second wedding was a destination wedding on a ‘come if you can and we don’t mind if you dont’ basis and in a place we wouldn’t normally choose to go and their wedding list has nothing on it less than £300. Who wants to send 1or2 dinner plates out of 6 at £50 each

He takes the prize for CF and tacky. Big or destination for second wedding and expecting gifts? FFS. That's naff.

OP, your nephew knows exactly what he's doing. Really don't think you need to say anything at all. It's all about his mates and the show.

You need to go to your mums - today - before resentment builds further and have a frank conversation with your nephew. It's his wedding and if he's adult enough to get married he's old enough to have the conversation with you about it.

Say you had assumed you would be invited given the many conversations you have had about the wedding. You are hurt that you aren't.

Otherwise it will only get worse.

You don't want to be in a position where you can't go to your mums because of this.

go, hand your nephew the RSVP, say im sure you will have a wonderful day, give him a hug and go help your mum in the kitchen
if hes all huh, says its ok i understand, and say that you have managed to rebook the canceled hotel and you and the kids will just stay on holiday, and im sure you understand :)
and if your brother says huh explain that its kinda silly to come all the way back from holiday for a hour long drive to a cash bar stay for a couple of hours then drive an hour home again and having to get a sitter for the 11 and 12 year old, so you have decided to just stay on holiday, and say its ok we understand

I would definitely talk to your DN today - otherwise resentment will build and the situation will get worse!

I get Tiny Dancer by Elton John instead

Me too!

Oh, who can forget Gluezilla!? That was classic.

I would decline, I also think it's very rude of them not to invite you to the main part. Family are there whether you want them or not long after friends have moved on but they'll learn that one day. YABU about your daughter missing out.

Concentrate on the money you'll be saving by not having to buy a gift and outfits etc and leave them to get on with it.

For me it's 'Tidy is a dancer' to the tune of Rythm is a Dancer by Snap!

Jessica can you ask the chaps in for a brew when collecting the RSVP and hash it out at yours before they head to Mum? You might be able to resolve things and then all carry on with your normal Sunday.

I think you're doing the right thing Op. Better to let them know how you feel than to sit on your resentment. But a good idea to absent yourself until you can tell them calmly.

Well that's me told. Apparently IABU.
Called DB1. He seemed unaware (not sure if that's true though now).
Said it wasn't really his place to get involved and that, as some PPs have said, "it's their wedding so it's up to them who they invite."

If they've exhausted seating or their budget they won't just be able to add on 6 people now anyway. Is getting a forced invite going to make op feel any better going forward?
DN has damaged family relations and may now just have to live with it.

Well, I agree, it is their place whom they invite. But it's yours to accept or decline. So you decline. Job done.

You need to speak to the organ grinder not the monkey!!
You're brother might be embarrassed! Especially if he didn't know.

Sorry your not you're 🙄

Yes it's up to them who they invite. The old 'we can invite who we want because it's our big day blah blah blah'. Don't expect family relationships to be the same though - it's up to you who you have a relationship with.