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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
newcat12345 · 21/04/2019 10:12

Same thing happened in my family. My cousin got married last summer - venue a good 4 hour drive from rest of family. They then proceeded to invite my DM (who can't drive) and aunt just to the evening reception. DM/DA were really upset especially as we are a small family and pretty close.

My other cousins and I were naturally disappointed not to be invited (to any of it!) but took it on the chin. However, DM was so upset she actually spoke to my uncle and could tell he didn't feel comfortable about the situation. 3 days later a revised invite appeared inviting DM/DA to the whole day, which was happily accepted.

When DM returned home after the wedding she said there must've been at least 60 members of DN's husband's family.

I'm all for it being about 'your day' but also it is only the one day and on the whole happy events such as weddings are what families create bonding memories from.

SlappingJoffrey · 21/04/2019 10:13

So it's absolutely definitely evening only then? I obviously don't know your family, but based on the other stuff you've said, it sounded more likely that they forgot to put a menu in than it does that they only invited you to the evening event. Because it would be such utterly twattish behaviour otherwise, to exclude such a close family member from a large wedding breakfast. But then you said the 7pm thing. I'm not sure I'd go either.

Also nodding my head and giggling at the comments about people who come on to defend rude wedding shit because they did it. So true! There was a thread the other week about invitations for the ceremony, then being expected to twiddle thumbs for several hours because you're not invited to the wedding breakfast, and go back for the evening. Obviously shockingly rude, but the number of people who came on to tell us it was fine because they did/are doing it, and the couple must have some reason yeah that they're rude was hilarious!

feelingsinister · 21/04/2019 10:14

You really do need to talk to your brother so he knows what the situation is at least. That doesn't mean he should get you an invitation or anything but he needs to know if he doesn't already.

If you are close enough family that you see each other weekly and would expect an invitation to a wedding then surely you're close enough to have a slightly uncomfortable chat!

You may find there's a very good reason or a massive fuck up but either way I'd rather know the actual reason that endlessly speculate on why you have been excluded.

nothinglikeadame · 21/04/2019 10:15

I think a confident decline , and treat you and DC's to a takeway or something with the money saved on a present ( never shell out for a present if not attending a wedding) .

If DN questions why, I would personally go with the truth - "with all the Sunday wedding talk, my DD was expecting to see you get married etc, but I understand you have your budgets. I think it's better in the circumstances if we give it a miss, but I hope you have a great day..anyway, hows the prep going?"

You need really to kerp as cordial a relationship as possible for you mum DB1 and DC's sake.

Weddings do funny things to peoples common sense and reasoning. To be honest they are way more trouble than they are worth.

Monkey0666 · 21/04/2019 10:17

When they open the declines surely they will know exactly why! and feel rightly ashamed of themselves. Because they did not give you and DB2 your invites in person (just left them at your mum's) do you think they were unsure what your reaction would be ?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 21/04/2019 10:17

DB1 doesn't know about this (we think). He's just not the type to do this. Also DB1 is paying for the wedding.

12 pages of outrage and the OP still hasn't clarified with the Groom whether it's a mistake - which it probably is. The inability of people to actually COMMUNICATE with each other is astounding .

Moomoomoomoomoo · 21/04/2019 10:21

inability of people to actually COMMUNICATE with each other is astounding

Yes this is what is annoying me.

By you and DB2 not going to your mum’s you’re now just going to upset her and put her in the middle of it. By declining (and potentially using weird excuses) and not speaking to your DB1 to avoid a pity invite you’re going to leave your DB hurt and wondering why, and creating a rift there.

Or, you could have an honest conversation with your DB1 and say you are hurt to only be invited to the evening so won’t be attending, but hope they have a lovely day.

Stop all this passive aggressiveness and just talk to each other.

SmellsLikeAdultSpirit · 21/04/2019 10:21

I agree with others that you need to give DB the heads up otherwise he may think you have declined the whole day
I wouldn't go at all even if you end up getting a day invitation. It's been done now

SmellsLikeAdultSpirit · 21/04/2019 10:23

Because you cannot ask for an invitation. It's bad form
They gave formal invitations so the response should be the same

Holidayshopping · 21/04/2019 10:23

You can explain to your DB easily why you aren’t attending. Please don’t just decline and not speak to him first though.

NataliaOsipova · 21/04/2019 10:24

I agree with others that you need to give DB the heads up otherwise he may think you have declined the whole day

That’s a fair point, actually.

Binglebong · 21/04/2019 10:25

I am rather regretful that you won't be able to report back on the 10 groomsmen dressed in white. The guests are going to think they've wandered into an audition for an Osmond family biopic

Nothing helpful to add but I thought the PP deserved recognition for this line of the thread.

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2019 10:25

I really think you need to speak to your brother.
There will be repercussions whatever you do

yellowsun · 21/04/2019 10:25

DH and I were only invited to my cousin’s evening do but I only see them at family events now. We were happy to be able to see them on the day and wish them well and I t suited us well - wedding do was at a swanky place in London (where we don’t live) so we left DS with relatives and had a weekend away. We went to a posh restaurant in the day time for a tasting menu, before going back to the hotel and getting ready for the evening do.

We did invite them to our full day years ago but ours was a much more relaxed affair with a buffet. I imagine there’s would be an eye watering amount per head! My mum and dad were there all day as they are close to DN’s mum (dad’s sister).

If I was close to them and had been seeing them every week where they had discussed the wedding with me for the last two years, I would be really hurt and would not be able to enjoy the evening do knowing that I wasn’t valued enough to get a day invite.

The issue here isn’t ‘blood’ so much but that you are close and were led to believe you were invited. It’s a kick in the teeth.

IvanaPee · 21/04/2019 10:26

Where I’m from evening invitations are a definite thing, so I don’t get the hysteria on here about them.

Cousins would be an evening invitation group in a lot of my circles. Aunties and uncles would usually be all day things though.

The problem is that it sounds like you and your other brother just assumed you’d be invited without being told you would be? Possibly understandable!

However, assuming the kids would be invited is on you, I think. You talk about your dd being upset and disappointed but who told her she was going??

They might not be having children apart from their own, which is quite common even though it’s a punishable offense on here.

I think it’s understandable assumption on your part, less understandable for the dc, and it’s led to this bitterness.

I wouldn’t be happy about my mam being alone either though! Really awkward. I’m assuming your dad isn’t around?

Do none of you have husbands/wives/partners?

1sttimeunicorn · 21/04/2019 10:29

I don't understand why you wouldn't at least tell your brother.

greenpop21 · 21/04/2019 10:30

What does your brother have to say? He is your nephew's father and must have been involved in guest list.

Livvylovesgin · 21/04/2019 10:30

It is ok to follow the 'my wedding, my rules' school of thought, however...

The rules should be fair to both families. ( my DSS and his fiancé didn't invite his two brother's live in long term partners, but did invite the brides mums friend and her daughter, husband and children) to a large wedding of 200.

The B&G need to accept that if they follow the above rules, they may offend others who just might tell them what they think

Feel sorry for you OP, given how close you are.
It hurts. We 'cut' from our DSS's wedding video but had to make a visit to see it 'screened'. It hurt. Very difficult to smile and not say anything.

Ihatehashtags · 21/04/2019 10:30

They can invite who they want. I think yabu. We had a wedding of about 80 people. We didn’t invite most of my husbands side and it was mostly our friends. Why? Because he had a massive family and if we invited one lot then we’d have to invite 30 others and we wanted our friends there.

JessieMcJessie · 21/04/2019 10:31

What’s the backstory to the groom’s father paying for the wedding? That’s a bit unusual.

Sounds like the couple have been together a while given the age of their daughter. Is it possible that they don’t really see the ceremony part as a big deal and are just doing it for the legal side, so they are forgetting that others would see the actual wedding part as perhaps the most meaningful part of the day? With all this 10 groomsman nonsense is it possible that the evening so is somehow the “big event”? However it’s usual to do the speeches at the afternoon reception and to me a guest who isn’t considered worthy of the speeches is very much second class.

Lizzie48 · 21/04/2019 10:32

I don’t have a problem with evening invitations, for work colleagues, cousins you don’t see often and are not close to. But not family you see every week and have been ear bashing about your wedding for the best part of two years and who you know have changed holiday dates in order to be around for their wedding.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 21/04/2019 10:32

I genuinely don't find this shocking at all because wedding seem to bring out the absolute worst in people.

When I married my ex we had a huge wedding (as in the number of people, opted to go for a less fancy venue and do a lot of DIY so we could have everyone there), I come from a massive family on both my mum and dads side. 150ish people and hardly any of those were non related.

Felt enormous pressure to please everyone else.

But when it comes to my own friends and family members weddings it has been a completely different kettle of fish and I've felt quite hurt several times.

I actually hate weddings now which is quite sad.

YANBU to feel hurt and I wouldn't go either. I think it's really nasty.

ittakes2 · 21/04/2019 10:32

Wow - normally I am of the mind that couples can choose their own wedding scenario - but to go to your mum's each week, talk about the wedding and not invite you - yes bloody rude.

TapasForTwo · 21/04/2019 10:35

"I did it so it isn't rude" eh Ihatehashtags Hmm

Holidayshopping · 21/04/2019 10:35

I’m surprised your brother is paying for the whole thing and had no idea that his only sister and brother weren’t invited to the ceremony!

What are you going to do, OP?

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