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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 09:46

Well I will be picking DB1 up later on to give him a lift up to our mums, as usual.
I either say something or try very hard NOT to mention anything weddingy.
If I do query it with DB1 he'll probably "have a word" with DN and then me and DB2 will probably get a "pity" invite. I mean, that's even more insulting.

OP posts:
TapasForTwo · 21/04/2019 09:46

It sounds like you need to have a conversation with DB1 as it appears that he is unaware of his son's faux pas.

I would also follow Dishwasher's advice and ask DN and his fiancee not to discuss the wedding in front of you as you haven't been invited.

For the record I don't feel insulted to receive evening only invitations to work colleagues or friend's weddings, but I agree that it is rude to send evening only invitations to close family members, especially when the wedding has been the main topic of conversation with them. Also sending a gift list out is monumentally rude.

And how is your mum planning to get there and back? Taxi?

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 09:48

It's definitely evening only as it states 7pm.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 21/04/2019 09:50

It’s irritating me that everyone is blaming the nephews fiancee! Does he not have a fucking mouth? Maybe she is the driving force but I doubt she is holding a gun to his head.

aweedropofsancerre · 21/04/2019 09:50

Similar thing happened to me. Close relationship with cousins and first family wedding for most of us. Then got told cousins are being invited for evening only as it was difficult with numbers. Fair enough but my sister was invited to the whole thing and her DD as she was bridesmaid and the rest were left off.There was only 4 of us and out of the 4 , 2 including me lived in another country so we were expected to travel for the evening. None of us went

FromDespairToHere · 21/04/2019 09:51

What I would want to do is hand the invitation back and say "you've accidentally given me the wrong invite, this one is for evening only" but I'd probably go the tight lipped option like you, OP. Yadnbu.

IHateUncleJamie · 21/04/2019 09:52

@Jessicawessica is there a reason why you can’t just phone DB1 and ask for clarification?

Until you’re 100% sure this wasn’t a mistake, I would just be upfront and ask. I wouldn’t be passive aggressive today, I would speak to your DB1 and say “DB2 and I appear to only be invited to the evening do; could this be a mistake?” That’s not entitled; it’s a straightforward and reasonable question.

Jodie571 · 21/04/2019 09:54

A quick question, are you close to nephew? I do not think just because he’s your nephew you get to skip other people he may know that he is closer to, in order for you to attend the daytime.

This is a common thing with weddings, the word ‘family’ sometimes makes people feel more entitled to invitations than is reasonable.

It gave me countless sleepless nights planning mine and thinking, shall I invite a cousin whom I barely know or my closest mates I see regularly.

TheCraicDealer · 21/04/2019 09:55

The groom's dad is your brother; just ask your brother why you haven't been invited.

Yeah I'm in agreement with this. If you're not going to go be honest about the reason why, because if you're any way close to your DB1 you should be able to say, "I'll send a card but won't be going Bro, actually pretty offended and it's caused a lot of upset. I'm surprised and disappointed that we've been bumped to evening only and that DMum will spend the day on her own".

No excuse for this with a big wedding and a comparatively small family unit. It is their choice, but they have to accept that their choice might hurt people and deal with the consequences of that.

Monkey0666 · 21/04/2019 09:57

I feel so mad for you. This is horrible of your DN towards his family. Why could they not invite you all to the ceremony , and why couldn't your DD be a bridesmaid never mind a guest! especially given that she is close to their DD. They could have made this so special for all the family but instead they have selfishly messed it up. Let us know what happens later.

crispysausagerolls · 21/04/2019 09:57

thecraicdealer has it!!!! Do this!

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 09:58

I get that PP think I should say something to DB1. But apart from paying for the day it's not really his problem and as far as I know has had nothing to do with the planning.
DNs fiancee is very nice, very quiet and has confessed in the past that she was never that fussed about a big wedding.....it's DN who has always wanted the house, car, big wedding, Stag do abroad, etc.
So I really can't see her being the driving force in this.

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 21/04/2019 09:59

Thinking about it, your communication with them has been in writing; you have been given a formal evening invitation. No explanation or discussion. So the correct thing to do is to respond accordingly- a written “sorry we can’t come”. It’s then up to them to initiate a conversation about it if there’s one to be had....

KC225 · 21/04/2019 09:59

OP I think you should tell DB1 and if he mentions it to DB2 then all good. How would you feel if this was one of your children and you were paying for it but their thoughtless invites had upset people you loved and were close. Do not see any changes as sympathy invites. You have stated that your DB2 probably doesn't know about the evening - give him the chance to give this self absorbed pair a needed lesson in manners and diplomacy.

Holidayshopping · 21/04/2019 09:59

I would ring your DB1 now and ask if there was a mistake. If you don’t think he knows about this, it’s best to tell him. I would then explain you won’t be going and say that obviously he’ll need to factor in your mum’s travel into the arrangements as you won’t be taking her.

I presume you won’t be going to the family lunch today-bear in mind that your mum will probably have to field questions from them about you-do you want to put her in that situation?

Is the wedding local-I don’t recall seeing an answer to this? How far away is it?

Moomoomoomoomoo · 21/04/2019 10:01

So you would rather let your DB end up hurt by thinking you can’t be bothered going to the wedding than actually telling him the truth? Hmm

Holidayshopping · 21/04/2019 10:02

Don’t pull out giving some crap excuse though-that would be daft.

TeddybearBaby · 21/04/2019 10:03

I think you should speak to your brother too. If only to give him the heads up. Otherwise it’ll be that you and your other brother aren’t there today (even though you’re dropping him off) and it’ll all come out when your nephew arrives and opens up both decline rsvps. I completely agree with you by the way but I’d give my brother the respect of speaking to him.

Xiaoxiong · 21/04/2019 10:05

10 groomsmen in white, big stag do abroad, "big day"...it sounds like DN is doing all this to show off to his mates and sees his real family as either somewhat embarrassing, or takes you for granted as his nice old auntie and assumes you'll still be loyally there every Sunday to discuss his wedding and just be unconditionally happy to even be a tiny part of their big day.

NataliaOsipova · 21/04/2019 10:05

Agree with not giving a crap excuse. Don’t give any excuse. Just decline. Agree with Monkey that it seems such a shame that something that would have been a lovely thing for the family has now effectively been spoiled; even if you are now invited, I’m sure you and your brother can’t feel the same about it.

Notinmyduty · 21/04/2019 10:05

I agree that the situation has not been handled well by your dn and his Fiancee, they have been self absorbed and should not have included a gift list (I hate gift lists) but don't make things worse. Decline gracefully if you don't want to do the evening - if you make a fuss to get invited to the full day would you really want to go if your invitation had to be begged for...would you not find that too humiliating? Consider offering to give your mum a lift - don't make things harder for her just because you are upset.

RumCustard · 21/04/2019 10:09

You can still go to the ceremony unless it's in a private venue.

To be honest, it's their day and they can invite who they want.

Is a wedding really worth causing a rift? No.

Xiaoxiong · 21/04/2019 10:09

I agree not to make a crap excuse but I do think that DB1 has to be told the truth why you and DB2 are declining. Otherwise it may be taken as a snub by DB1 and the couple that you didn't actually want to come at all.

cleanasawhistle · 21/04/2019 10:11

I feel for you OP.
When my DN annouced she was getting married last year I didnt for one second think I wouldnt be invited to the whole day and we are a much bigger family than yours.Of course we were all invited.

If we had only received an evening invite then I would have declined too,sent a card wishing them well but no gift.

I think its awful that you DN cant have room for 6 family members,he should be ashamed of himself.

I wouldnt comment either unless asked why you are not going.

MRex · 21/04/2019 10:11

Evening invites are for those who the couple don't care if they attend or not. I always decline them because it seems a waste of their money when they aren't bothered if we go or not. There's plenty of other things to do on an average Saturday that would be more fun anyway if your whole family aren't going. Who knows why, but as DN isn't interested in you attending I doubt he'll be upset when you decline.

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