To just refuse the wedding invitation

[jessicawessica]

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

This thread makes me concerned we offended half of DHs aunts and uncles when we got married. Although in fairness the ones that didn’t get an invite are the ones who have a MASSIVE back story and we don’t see them much, the ones who we see reasonably frequently (not even nearly as often as every week though!) were invited. All my aunts and uncles were invited, one of my uncles refused to come because I didn’t invite one of his kids (who I’ve never met, didn’t even know the name of until he said he wasn’t coming because he wasn’t invited and he had informed me he wouldn’t be bringing the kids- yes there are more, long story- anyway as it wasn’t his weekend and he wanted to get pissed ). I’d be incredibly pissed off if one of my brothers children didn’t invite me to their wedding ceremony and reception, especially if you see them every week and actively engage in wedding chat etc etc. Yes we all know that they can invite whoever they want etc etc etc and no one is saying that they can’t. What they cannot do is dictate whether or not other people think that excluding close family members is rude, which (massive back story and bad blood excepted) it is.

Also, it's not the 'done thing' putting a gift list in with an evening invitation...what the actual hell! Very very cheeky.

This happened to us after I had helped with choosing venue etc. Haven’t spoken to them since.

YANBU

It's tragic because this is the kind of thing that tears families apart. Has your dm or db1 said anything to your dn yet?

I love all the posters on here telling the OP she is very unreasonable to have expected an invitation, then giving examples that no way resemble the OP's situation.

Just call your DN FGS. You are close! Call and say “this can’t be correct”. Wait to see what he says. Explain how ludicrous it is and if he stands by it explain why you won’t be attending. CF nephew

Nanny0gg

Because they are trying to justify themselves for their own rude wedding invitation set up.

@greensleaves this is just hilarious;

I love how these threads always go

OP: my relatives have done this, what do you think?

Majority: rude, rude cunts

Then someone comes on (ever 20 posts or so) and says: no, they can't be rude cunts because I DID THIS AT MY WEDDING

You’re right though. Somehow people always take offence by an OP and try it relate it the something that they’ve did and make OP feel bad when OP just wants genuine advice!!

DB1 doesn't know about this (we think). He's just not the type to do this.
Also DB1 is paying for the wedding.
The holiday issue....DN knows we always go this particular week on holiday as it's only time I can get off work. And we've been going at this time every year for the past 10 years at least.
The Sunday gathering....DN does absolutely not have to go to mu mums. It never has been a compulsory thing, DN and fiancee just started showing up after they had their DD.
DB2 has texted me to say he won't be going to the evening do or our mums today. He's also pissed off because he booked the actual day off from work.
Think that's answered PPs questions, sorry if I missed any out.

There's no excuse for it at all. I'll be interested to see how he walks it back today.

Ooh, let us know if any drama today OP!

When I was getting married and split numbers with DH, my mum promptly took so many of my numbers and said, ' well these are for...' I just nodded and agreed do keep the peace!

I'd say this is mainly down to the dn's wife to be. Who the hell has 10 groomsmen, all dressed in white? I don't think the dn has had much of a hand in this wedding.

Weddings are a pain. When our son got married we contributed 50% of their costs - just handed it over and had no say In how it was spent, not that we wanted any. Then there was panic as her family was local and his wasn’t and she was upset they his side wouldn’t be ‘properly represented.’ We paid the transport costs etc of most of his relatives so that they could come. On the day 90% of her relatives didn’t turn up, creating a huge amount of waste and her parents went home as soon as they had eaten. We weren’t invited to be in any of the photographs. God knows what was going on there, but the marriage didn’t last long. His second wedding was a destination wedding on a ‘come if you can and we don’t mind if you dont’ basis and in a place we wouldn’t normally choose to go and their wedding list has nothing on it less than £300. Who wants to send 1or2 dinner plates out of 6 at £50 each? The dancing in the evening turned out to be unavailable so they decided to go clubbing and we had an early night in our hotel room. If there’s a third wedding we won’t be going. ‘It’s your day’ has its limits.

I'd ask some more questions but it sounds odd and very inconsiderate.

So can you talk to DB1 then? Don’t do the passive aggressive, refuse to go to your mums, pretend your washing your hair etc. Have an adult conversation.

YANBU. I’d ask him though, and see what he says. Actually, I’d probably ask DB1 quietly about it.

I am normally in the “their wedding their choice” category but this is shockingly rude.

Totally agree.... If they’ve been talking about it in front of you and your child for ages, it’s dreadfully bad form not to invite you. Nothing “entitled” about that at all.

I’m not a fan of evening invitations, although I can see there are circumstances where it’s okay. Think discrete groups of people, all of whom know each other: all the groom’s mates from the squash club, all the bride’s colleagues, a few of the neighbours. That sort of thing. People you’d just like to say “come and have a drink and celebrate with us”, who’ll be pleased to do so, but wouldn’t expect an invitation to your wedding. This does not, however, include your aunt and uncle whom you see weekly and with whom you’ve been discussing wedding arrangements in some detail.....

WTAF

I think you and DB should go today and ask her WTAF is going on here?

Her wedding yadda yadda yadda

,,,but this is just so fucking swful it needs discussing, not pretending it’s perfectly fine, because it is not. It is going to drive a HUGE wedge into your family and she needs to explain herself.

Having aunts and cousins at weddings, unless there is a very close bond for some unusual reason, is not high o most people's wish list.

This was an early reply to the OP. What a bizarre attitude.

'A very close bond for some unusual reason'? There are actually families where uncles and aunts are fond of their DNs and care about them without any very unusual reason or claiming a very close bond.

YANBU but I'd try and focus on your mum here as this could hurt her a lot. Accepting the evening invite with good grace is better for her and for your dd who likes her cousin. Thats not defending them at all but the likely outcome of getting upset is changes to your weekly meet up and your mum and dB being put in the middle. Whether they're just not nice people, they got caught up in wedding planning and made a faux pas or they just don't see you as that close, don't give their silly actions more attention than it deserves.

So are you going to speak to db then? You can't be all passive aggressive and say nothing. Just ask him if he is aware that none of you are invited and express your disappointment. Also point out your mum's predicament.

I would decline. Let them have their day. Just say that it would be awkward just to attend the evening do with the DC.

The groom's dad is your brother; just ask your brother why you haven't been invited.
Also as others have said, does the invitation actually say 'evening only' or are you assuming that as a menu wasn't included?

Wow. I’m glad you’re not going, ask your mum to make sure they get your rsvp today. But while maybe not today please don’t stop going to your mums.
10 groomsmen in white, over 100 guests, and the fewer than 1 family members they hang out with every week and have been boring to death about their wedding for 2 years don’t get invited? Rude entitled little shits. Someone should say you have bored us to death talking about weddings for 2 years and never thoughtto ask if it’s rude to send a gift registry with an evening invite?

You need to speak to you’re dB especially if he’s paying he might not be aware you’re invite has only been extended to the evening.