Separate rooms - is it really so terrible?

[PinkCareBear]

I've come to the conclusion I would be much happier sleeping in a separate room to my partner on a permanent basis. About a year ago, he started snoring and breathing very heavily in his sleep, and I am a very light sleeper/sensitive to noise. I then can't sleep, toss and turn, waking him up as a result.

He's been sleeping in the spare room maybe 5 nights a week, but we've been trying to have him back in the bed to see if we can both get a good night's sleep together. Last night was awful, I was up most of the night due to his snoring/loud breathing.

DOes anyone have a secusseful relationship despite sleeping separately? I don't know anyone in real life who admits to sleeping apart.

[PCohle]

We tried for a few months years ago and it didn't work for us.

It definitely did have an effect on intimacy for us. Not just sex (although that too), but chatting in the dark at the end of the day, bickering about who should get up to make cups of tea in the morning - that sort of closeness. I don't think it would be a good sign for our marriage if we didn't miss those things.

Our kids also noticed and it bothered our eldest DS who was old enough to associate it with fighting/divorce etc.

[FannyMendelssohn]

DH and I have always had separate rooms since we moved in together. Once the relationship became serious we had to have a very frank conversation about his snoring and I knew I could never share a bed permanently. Never been an issue at all except as someone else has said, it means booking 2 rooms wherever you go.

[ChipSandwich]

Our kids also noticed and it bothered our eldest DS who was old enough to associate it with fighting/divorce etc
That's a stretch for a child to make if there are no other signs of conflict. Reading between the lines here, but what made you 'try it' for a few months? And are those reasons resolved? Husband and me have our own bedrooms nowadays, and none of my children think we're going to fight or get divorced. It's quite apparent to all that we love each other

[PCohle]

It was his snoring and we opted to work on that instead. A combination of him making a real effort to sleep on his side, and losing a bit of weight made the difference.

It wasn't motivated by any more serious issues between us that our DS might have been picking up on. I think a couple of his classmates parents had separated and it was an issue that was worrying him at the time. I've generally found kids are pretty alert to stuff like that but I'm sure that's not universal and obviously if it works well for you then great.

[InspectorClouseauMNdivision]

I am so envious of people whose snoring gets sorted by weightloss. Mine snores slim or fat. Pollen season or depths of winter.

Plus is that I can decorate the bedroom as I want to 😂 Negative? Buying 2 mattresses, 2 sets of bedings etc.

[Rezie]

Why not. Whatever works.

My parents have slept in separate rooms for as long as I can remember. I don't think it has to mean anything other than that a couple .has found a solution to a problem so that everyone is well rested.

[PissOffPeppa]

We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms for about 4 years now and our marriage is stronger for it. We both sleep better when we’re on our own. For ages we just put up with being tired and grumpy all the time because we weren’t sleeping well. Since we’ve had our separate rooms, we’re both much more rested and happier in general, which filters down into a happier marriage. There are absolutely no downsides for us

[ChipSandwich]

"I think a couple of his classmates parents had separated and it was an issue that was worrying him at the time*
That's understandable. My daughter found a blood sugar monitor in a drawer and was convinced one of us must be a diagnosed diabetic. Not so, it was given out at work by a staff welfare team who visit occasionally.
Children are prone to put the worst spin on stuff.

[Dontforgettheice]

i would love my own room

[Shockedandsickened]

We sleep in separate rooms because we kept arguing in the morning relationship has improved tbh

[GlitterPixie]

We’re hoping to move soon and I can’t wait for separate rooms

[HennyPennyHorror]

I think it SOUNDS ok but in reality I'd miss DH so much....don't people like the closeness that sleeping in one bed brings?

[Decormad38]

We sleep apart but have a good relationship. I think that’s why we do. DH started with chronic pain over a year ago. He would toss and turn all night. Plus he is an owl and Im a lark. He would wake me up when coming to bed. I was getting about 3 hours sleep a night.

[PregnantSea]

My parents sleep in separate rooms for similar reasons. They both seem happy enough. I can't say whether or not they still have sex because I would be afraid to ask

[BitOfFun]

I am lucky enough to have enough room in the house for us to sleep separately when necessary. It doesn't affect our closeness- we are very romantic together. Since I became ill with breast cancer and was put into medical menopause, I have terrible hot flushes at night and have real trouble sleeping. I can still go and wake DH up to come and keep me company though when I get The Fear.

People who dismiss the concept without stretching their imagination to consider that some couples may have particular circumstances are being unfair, I think.

[Margot33]

I'd love to sleep in separate rooms! If you have a spare room...go for it!

[InspectorClouseauMNdivision]

don't people like the closeness that sleeping in one bed brings?

Not really. If anything we are actually more affectionate during the day now. In our case not only he snores and I move, but he is also some kind of a freaky human radiator.
Before we used to snap at each other much more, because we were tired-ish and you just kind of blame the other person for it even though you know they can't really help it. Like this we are well rested and in much better moods. Plus he goes sleep late and I wake up early. We are just so incompatible sleepers😂 But extremely compatible when awake.

[CaptainMyCaptain]

I've been sleeping elsewhere this week and have slept like a log. I had put it down to a better mattress until DH joined me last night and I was awake until gone one. Seriously considering separate rooms when I get home.

[SevenSeasofRye]

As others have said, it’s always been the way in the upper class. I think this tradition of sharing a 4 foot 6 bed with one other person for decades came out of lack of space in the first place. If you have the space, it makes sense. It makes a massive difference to sleep quality. People are generally heavier and go to bed at different times than was the case in the past.

[DaveCoachesgavemetheclap]

I would never share a room with my DH again. I love having my own room. Even our cat prefers to seelp uninterrupted on my bed.

[confusedat30]

Slept in separate rooms for most of our relationship (10 years) I was 19 when we met, we had 3 kids in that 10 years. We are now separating. Definitely think it played a part as no time together in the evenings to have a chat and a cuddle. But can’t blame whole separation on it. Wouldn’t ever do it again in future relationships though xx

[jessebuni]

If we had a spare room that I could sleep in instead I would. My husband snores like a tractor and takes up 3/4s of the bed by sprawling out. I’m even considering getting a sofa bed so that I can sleep on the sofa a few nights a week to make sure I get a few nights of actual sleep each week.

[MissyMoooo]

We sleep in separate rooms, it works a treat. Both of us get a good nights sleep (I snore!) and in turn we're much better during the day instead of being tired and irritable with each other.

[jessebuni]

Also my in laws have always slept in separate rooms and I know they still go at it like teenagers as when staying there between a house move we heard them all week

[Tessabelle74]

If we had the space we've both said we'd love separate bedrooms, it's definitely a cause of most of our disagreements because his snoring means I don't sleep well and I'm a grumpy cow when I'm tired