Separate rooms - is it really so terrible?

[PinkCareBear]

I've come to the conclusion I would be much happier sleeping in a separate room to my partner on a permanent basis. About a year ago, he started snoring and breathing very heavily in his sleep, and I am a very light sleeper/sensitive to noise. I then can't sleep, toss and turn, waking him up as a result.

He's been sleeping in the spare room maybe 5 nights a week, but we've been trying to have him back in the bed to see if we can both get a good night's sleep together. Last night was awful, I was up most of the night due to his snoring/loud breathing.

DOes anyone have a secusseful relationship despite sleeping separately? I don't know anyone in real life who admits to sleeping apart.

[Oct18mummy]

I’m sleeping in separate rooms, my husband is a horrendous snorer and I can hear him also from the spare room!

He does have sleep apnea but doesn’t need a breathing machine just needs to sleep on side and no he is not overweight he is very slim!

To save my sanity and for me to get some sleep it has to be this way

[Myfoolishboatisleaning]

My husband and I live in separate houses. BEST. THING. EVER 😂

[Benedikta]

I have been married for 25 years now, we do have four children and started having separate rooms three months after our marriage which is still to be continued.

Honestly, due to job reasons we did not live together before we got married, we just met on Weekends and had holidays. So I only learned after our marriage that my husband is even untidier than I am, was snoring heavily ( depended on his weight, he snored while being overweight but it sopped after he lost weight), does not like open windows while I love fresh air and all this.


So we took separate rooms to sleep asap which for many people was a clear sign of a failing marriage. Due to job reasons we moved often anf for the movers it was an issue…. Once I overherad them discussing the situation about the status of our marriage and only the existence of the kids prevented a bad judgement.

Now I can talk quite open about it and my Impression is that a majority would prefer separate rooms- some do not dare, some can not afford.

So answer to your question-I do know couples with separate rooms still in a happy union But ask your husband to see the doctor, snoring can be dangerous.

[MTBMummy]

DP and I have done this since I was pregnant with DS (who is now 5) it's bliss.

I wouldn't consider us elderly, but we just have very different sleep routines, I prefer to be in bed by 10, he prefers 11, we both like to read before sleeping, so if he comes up after me he needs the light on to read and disturbs me. He's also a horrid snorer, and I'm an exceptionally light sleeper.

If anything our relationship is better since moving to separate rooms as I no longer want to throttle him in his sleep.

[SuperSue77]

I am early 40s and married 10.5yrs. My husband and I have had separate beds since we were engaged! I snore and he is an incredibly light sleeper (my snoring didn’t bother previous partners). So in order to have a successful marriage we have separate bedrooms. It was useful once the children arrived as I could have them in with me when needed and it didn’t disrupt his sleep. Some people expect partners to help with night time but for us it was more beneficial for him to get sleep in the night and then he was more help the rest of the time. I did feel sad initially that we weren’t sharing a bed as my parents (now on early 70s) would never consider sleeping apart despite sleeping better for it on the odd occasion that they do, but I got over that quite quickly. We are still very affectionate and tactile and have a great sex life. We aim to spend 15-30 mins in the same bed when we first go to bed, cuddling, chatting etc and then separate beds for the actual sleeping. On the summer it is great to be able to turn onto the cool side half way through the night! We are fortunate to have enough space in our house to do this, and it does make hotel stays away difficult as we haven’t tackled the issue that means we need to be separate, but I have tried to tackle the snoring but the solutions are often uncomfortable or don’t work well and with busy lives and young children it’s easier to carry on with separate rooms. I don’t think it’s that uncommon these days, I hear lots of people admit to it, and most of them are happily married (in fact that’s probably no co-incidence!)

[hellsbellsmelons]

My cousins have a wonder marriage.
Been together for over 30 years.
Always had separate bedrooms.
They 'visit' each other the need takes them and have a great sex life.
It really works for them.
I'd be loathed to share my bed with a man permanently.
Sex then bugger off to your own bed.
Sounds like bliss.

[Catsinthecupboard]

He could have sleep apnea. This is a dangerous.disease.

My dh found throat exercises that have stopped his snoring. There are other ways, but this is really the best; no drugs or surgery.

Please send him to dr. It can lead to much worse health issues.

[Whysoannoying]

Agree with PPs. Nothing wrong with separate beds or rooms!

My DH sleeps like a log but I am a very light sleeper and it makes me sooo tense and stressed when he keeps me up. He does snore when he lies on his back, and that can be an issue when he starts rolling about in the mornings, but also he gets up for work at 6 usually, so I am used to having a brief disturbance then, and a lovely lie in after that. But Saturdays are awful as he wakes at 6, then goes to the loo, farts long and loudly, comes back (stomping around the floor) and thumps back into bed, then sniffs a lot, sighs, grunts, changes position 500 times, rinse and repeat......!! I could scream! Sometimes he even tries to talk to me! Two hours later if I keep really quiet he will eventually get up - by which time my blood pressure is in the trillions!

I have recently started spending friday nights in the spare room - it's AMAZING!! DH thinks I'm mean but it has to be better than divorce or murder . He used to be much better but as the years have gone by he has got worse (or I have become a lighter sleeper). We're 40s with primary aged children, but I can see the spare room thing creeping up more as we age.......

Go for it - and enjoy!!

[SarfE4sticated]

Ahh coco when I was young and newly married we used to sleep like that. Twenty years later and the thought of not Sleeping on my orthopaedic pillow makes me feel panicky!

[MooseHoose]

I’m happily married. I have my own bedroom with a double bed and my own bathroom. I have an aromatherapy diffuser in there which sprays relaxing oils and blackout blinds. My husband gets up at 5.50 and I’ll be buggered if I want waking up then. Anyone who thinks I’m suffering or missing out in some way is a lunatic.

[3luckystars]

My parents always had separate rooms. To my mother, having to share a bed with anyone would be absolutely hell.
(I think as a child she had to share her bed and it made her love having her own bed as an adult)

It's not a big deal to me. Whatever works for you is the right thing.

[cocomelon23]

I go to sleep on dp's chest every night so couldn't imagine having separate rooms. Neither of us snore though so I'm not in the same position.

[pinkstripeycat]

If my DH works nights I sleep better. When he turns over in bed he bounces so hard that he wakes me up. I get flung all over the place. He’s getting worse as he gets older

[CaptainMyCaptain]

DH got me some washable silicon earplugs from Specsavers (feeling guilty) but they made my ears sweaty inside. Horrible.

[SargeantAngua]

My fiance and I have separate rooms. We tried sharing a bed for a while but it just didn't work. I'm a very wriggly sleeper, and I have ME and need to sleep a lot longer than he does. Also we've both had our own space for so long before our relationship that we're a bit too set in our ways to change now! I can't deny, we sometimes both wish we could sleep cuddled up together, but it just doesn't work for us. There are always bedtime cuddles in one bed or the other though, and "visits" at other times

[SarfE4sticated]

Hi @MattieB19 I can't find the ones that I got from Boots to link for you, but I did find these which look good? I don't think mine block up to 37db of sound!
I wear mine every night now (i notice that they are meant to be for single use!) because I find any sound can keep me awake.
Hope this helps.

[janex1]

Sleeping in separate rooms is essential for sleep and a Happy Marriage!

[Diamondsandjems]

Husband and I are in our 40’s and have slept in separate rooms for about 5 years due to the snoring getting worse or maybe pregnancy sleep deprivation both come the same time. We are currently on holiday and I’ve slept fine the whole 2 weeks in the same room/bed. It’s worth a shot, you can always pop back into him if you feel in need of company 😆

[thefirstmrsdewinter]

pantry it's a wedge-shaped foam cushion that elevates the upper body: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B01LZ6KZY1/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?psc=1&ie=UTF8&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

I didn't get on with it and donated it to dh when he mentioned it might help with his snoring. I was sceptical but it more or less entirely solved the problem immediately. You can also try raising the head of the bed on bricks or similar.

As for 'closeness' nothing made me feel more murderous than being awakened every five minutes by the very loud noise of dh snoring, and on top of it I resented (and still do tbh) his reluctance to go to the gp and get it sorted. I adore him and would like him to take better care of his health. Like pp I can hear dh snoring on a different floor of the house, beyond several closed doors etc and didn't find earplugs much help.

I assume people know this already but maybe worth mentioning that obstructive sleep apnoea (heavy snoring is one symptom) isn't just an issue for the non-snoring partner, it can cause sudden death.

[mabelsgarden]

@PinkCareBear

There is absolutely nothing wrong with sleeping in a separate bedroom to your spouse at all. Especially if he is a noisy snorer!

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, and it can have a really strong impact on your physical, and mental health.

It is almost certainly a middle aged thing. Younger people sleep in the same room/same bed, as it's romantic and cute to cuddle and 'spoon' (and usually people under 35 don't snore really badly.) My DH's didn't start to get really loud, til he got past 40 (and gained a couple of stone!)

Older people (over 65,) generally sleep together, because they consider it shameful and embarrassing to sleep apart. I have had several female relatives, who slept with their husband from the day they got married, to the day they (or their husband) died, even though he snored like an old buffalo, and they couldn't sleep half the night.

They chose to suffer the snoring, rather than the SHAME of sleeping in separate bedrooms. 'WHATEVER WILL PEOPLE THINK?!' One aunt of mine had 3 extra bedrooms for 30 years (after the last of the children left home) but still slept with my uncle in the same bed. (Until his death when they were in their 70's.) Whilst continuing to moan about being kept awake by his snoring. Bizarre.

I don't think people should give a shit what people think. Most of the naysayers are probably jealous!

[MattieB19]

SarfE4sticated which ear plugs do you use if you don't mind me asking?

[InspectorClouseauMNdivision]

@Turnitaroundagain I doubt you would know my mum though😂 Dad had heart issues so snoring was really good indicator of "still there". Good to see it's more common than I thought😂
Although during the day it was an indication of thinking according to him.
"I wasn't sleeping and snoring! I was just thinking!" 😂

Those who sleep apart, does it affect your sex life?

If you do it only in a bed at bed time, it might? But then there are other times of the day and other rooms😉 Or you can do as @Megan2018. We do that too.

I love my husband, but I can live without him and he xan live without me. However, none of us can live without sleep.

[joystir59]

I don't snore now I'm losing weight. And we have a 2m wide bed which means we sleep together but have loads of space for tossing and turning. But the snoring was a big issue before. Gone now!

[ememem84]

We sleep apart occasionally. If one of us is ill the well one goes in the spare room. No sense for two people to be kept awake etc.

I’m pregnant at present and dh has been sleeping in the spare room a bit more as I’m sniffly not sleeping well and have my gigantic preggo pillow in bed too. We both sleep better and are well rested.

I almost wanted to smother him last night though as he was snoring so much!!

[CoolCatKat]

Those who sleep apart, does it affect your sex life?
No but getting zero sleep does. If your DH is a proper loud snorer you have to sleep apart or get no sleep. It's just a shame because holidays are really expensive because you need seperate hotel rooms or 2 bed apts.