Separate rooms - is it really so terrible?

[PinkCareBear]

I've come to the conclusion I would be much happier sleeping in a separate room to my partner on a permanent basis. About a year ago, he started snoring and breathing very heavily in his sleep, and I am a very light sleeper/sensitive to noise. I then can't sleep, toss and turn, waking him up as a result.

He's been sleeping in the spare room maybe 5 nights a week, but we've been trying to have him back in the bed to see if we can both get a good night's sleep together. Last night was awful, I was up most of the night due to his snoring/loud breathing.

DOes anyone have a secusseful relationship despite sleeping separately? I don't know anyone in real life who admits to sleeping apart.

[dottiedodah]

TBH I think separate bedrooms can work for some people ,but you need to think carefully as it can affect the closeness you have as a couple.Why not see if you can get some medical help first ,or try for s few nights only and get together at w/e hols etc

[LumpyPillow]

I agree, It’s really not a big deal. The ones that have a problem with it are those that don’t do it and don’t or refuse to understand different things work for different people.

I truly think more people do it than most know, because people don’t dare bring it up because those with the ‘fear’ about it go absolutely nuclear if you divulge it and will deem your perfectly harmonious, blissful or whatever state your relationship as: weird, dysfunctional, loveless, SEXLESS DEFFO, distant, pathetic, nowhere near as happy as them etc etc.

People can’t accept that actually it improves relationships, quality of sleep, life, health etc for some. I tell rational, open people. 😂 ......I keep my mouth shut 70% of the time. The wide eyed ‘but when do you have sex?!’ Is so annoying I just like to avoid having to explain we are just like them.

[tor8181]

im 38 partner 37 and been together 20 years

i havent slept with him since 03

from a bad pregnancy that left me bed ridden and sick in 03/04

then i had a baby in 04 and i chose to co-sleep from birth

had another baby in 10 and that one is still with me

there is circumstances involving disabled kids that need 24 hour care and nervous breakdowns but we are very happy together and have a super king each(well 8 y old with me)

[Yabbers]

Works for us. We wouldn't be together if we still slept in the same room. 10
Of our 20 years together is in separate bedrooms.

[XingMing]

DH and I concluded 10 years ago that we sleep better apart, but like the feeling of sleeping together. In practice, this means that if either of us has even the suspicion of an infection we sleep apart and if one of us needs a good uninterrupted sleep, one decamps to our very comfortable spare room with ensuite. We both snore like walruses, but DH is easily awakened. We are over 60, so not disrupting the norms. And we too have visitation rights.

[DontCallMeShitley]

We have spent one night in the same bed in 19 years, I was awake all night. Have shared a room with twin beds a few times.

We keep different hours, I also sleep practically without moving, whereas he smashes around, arms and legs everywhere. The sensible thing is to have our own rooms.

[StinkyWizleteets]

I’ve recently been forcing my oh to sleep downstairs on the sofa due to his —raising demons— snoring. I’m bfing my toddler who still wakes through the night and I thought it was the feeding that was the problem with my exhaustion but it was becoming aware of the racket my OH makes while being roused from deep sleep
And suddenly I was wide awake and angry. We need an extra bedroom (or two) so he’s on the sofa until he gets his arse in gear and sorts out a new Mortgage and moving (I’m currently sahm so can’t get the mortgage).

I’m loving cosleeping with the toddler now and having the bed to myself. Even although I wake a couple of times to feed it’s not a problem anymore and I wake up perfectly rested.

It’s somewhat of a problem in our relationship for him but meh. He’s the one who refuses to sort his snoring out so he can suffer, no reason I should.

[XingMing]

@Stinky, snoring is not something that can easily be "sorted". Some people do, others don't. There really isn't a universal answer to the problem.

[PrtScn]

My DP went to sleep in the spare room when he had a cold and kept waking the baby up coughing. That was nearly 2 months ago and I’ve not let him back in. He is terrible with snoring, I’d spend most of the night elbowing him in an attempt to get him to shut up. Now we both sleep so much better. Him because he’s not being elbowed every 5 minutes and me because I can’t hear snoring. I’ve only heard him snoring from the spare room once so I had to put some white noise on to block it out, otherwise it has been heaven. Got rid of the dog at the same time, she’s been relegated to the spare room with him 😂

[U2HasTheEdge]

We have had our own room for years. We are very happily married. He snores and I am a light sleeper. I sleep with two dogs now instead.

[Soubriquet]

I do

I cannot sleep in the same bed as anyone

But I am deaf so he sleeps in a bed....just next to my bed as opposed to in my bed

I sleep so much better

[IWentAwayIStayedAway]

Separate rooms here. Bliss!! Married 13 years.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Is snoring something that bothers you more as time goes on?

I think me and DP both snore if we're very drunk; but even then I'd miss him if he slept elsewhere! He keeps the bed warm. I like hugging him to sleep and in the morning.

[Silvercatowner]

Separate rooms here too, married over 30 years. Like other posters we start and finish the day together and I go to my own room to sleep. It works for us.

[MoaningMinniee]

Me and DP have been very happily unmarried and are the parents of two absolutely amazing children for 22 years now. We have separate rooms and (possibly even more important) separate bathrooms/loos.

Everyone gets to snore/fart/starfish sleep/have a menopausal hot flush moment or hour/snuggle with the dog/snuggle with the cat/snuggle with both of them/snuggle with child... not to mention dogs and cats.

[Sleepyhead11]

I have a study (work from home some of the time) with a pull out sofa bed, and it's bloody lovely to sleep there sometimes. I like to read a few chapters of a novel before I go to sleep, and DP likes to go to sleep right away. He also gets up far earlier than I do (6amish) and it's so nice to not be woken by him getting up. We do sleep in the same bed sometimes though, particularly when neither have work the next day.

[OxanaVorontsova]

We sleep separately, it’s bliss!

[nokidshere]

We have been married over 30 yrs and have slept apart for about the last 12 of them. It's bliss. He likes heavy duvet, windows closed, this curtains, totally dark and quiet. I'm up and down all night, windows always open, fan on, reading etc.

We start the night together but to sleep we go to our own space. Remember only poor people used to share beds, the aristocracy always had their own rooms . It's a relatively new thing sleeping together all the time.

[Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt]

My DH and I have very different sleep schedules and I fidget and have many duvets...

Pretty much always had a room each, even when we were in a 1-bed flat. Works very well, we get on great and neither of us are sleep-deprived. Turns out I have a few sensory issues too but having lots of sleep and not being disturbed is very important to me.

[ShitAtScarbble]

The only people I know that do, are elderly couples, to be honest

Is that meant to be as snidey as it sounds? It's that kind of dismissive comment that makes people considering this think they've suggested moving in with Ted Bundy for fuck's sake.
I know quite a few couples who have separate bedrooms for any number of reasons - some snoring based, one because they can't stand anyone else in the bed on a permanent basis etc etc. Not that anyone needs to explain their choices - they don't and they shouldn't.
Just go with whatever works for you OP - you seriously don't need the approval of anyone!

[PlinkPlink]

Yup hello!! waves

We do too.

Started when DS was born. OH snored before then but I could somehow sleep through the majority of it.
Since motherhood however, I am always keeping an ear out for little one. Particularly in the early months this was the case as we were co-sleeping.

As a consequence, OH went into the spare room and we stayed in the bed.

2 years on and we're still in separate rooms but both of us get a reasonable amount of sleep so we're happy. Later on we will get back into the same room but I stay with DS at the moment.

We dont love each other any less. We dont have any negative feelings towards each other. But I have said that OH needs to sort it before we move back in to the same room together 😂😂

It's a matter of practicality/sanity when it comes to snorers.

[user1552403235]

Separate rooms are good. I used to spoil DW's sleep with my snoring and she talks in her sleep! All solved since we opted for separate rooms many years ago. It's a very practical and civilised way to sleep.

[Roomba]

My ex and I slept separately for years. It was bliss, I actually got some sleep without being kicked all night and snored at, and he didn't get woken by me having to roll over in agony due to back/pelvis pain all night.

He's not my ex because we didn't sleep together - if anything the arrangement probably had the opposite effect prolonged and us splitting up!

[Piggywaspushed]

The problem with sleeping separatley is you get used to it. So when you book hotels etc you can't get a night's sleep! It's possibly better to have a huuuge bed or twin beds pushed together and try that.

My DS not onyl snores, he sleeps different hours from me on the whole and wouln't like it if I got up and started my ablutions, drying my hair and so on, and he exudes so much heat he's like a bloody greenhouse. I need sleep. I get terribly ill if I don't sleep. He doesn't much like the separate bedrooms thing, mainly because he gets the noisier room at the front of the house and the inferior bed...

[StinkyWizleteets]

@xingming he attended a sleep/snoring clinic where they discovered some kind of physical deviation that could be treated but he opted not to have it, so yes it could have been sorted. I appreciate others may not have that option but he did and his refusal to try to treat it means I have to suffer unnecessarily