To wonder if this is normal behaviour for a 2 year old?

[2yearoldbattler]

Am a regular MNer but have name changed, partially as I feel disloyal to my kids even typing this, but also because am wondering if I am a terrible parent and will be flamed accordingly

I have DS, 2y3m and DD, 14w. DS has always been a bit tricky with his behaviour - an interesting combination of separation anxiety (from me) and utter stubbornness.

Basically he just point blank refuses to do anything he doesn’t want to do. This has been going on since he was around 15 months old. The problem is that the list of things he doesn’t like doing has been growing exponentially, to the point that he now just pretty much refuses to do anything you suggest. And I mean ANYTHING - if you suggest going out he wants to stay in. Vice versa. Nappy changes are like ww3. Getting dressed requires stealth trickery. He basically doesn’t wear shoes (we’re in the Southern Hemisphere so it’s just been summer). The only things I draw a firm line on are safety related - so in his car seat, being clean etc. we are now at the point where he’s having pretty much constant tantrums every day, and it’s absolutely exhausting getting from sunrise to sunset.

DH is away at the moment and I’ve just had a 2.5 hour bedtime battle with him to wash himself - we’ve been out in the dirt today and he’s absolutely filthy plus he did a revolting poo that I had to clean up quickly as he gets cross at nappy changes so it’s hard to get him properly clean. In the end I just got into the shower with him fully clothed as I figured he needed to be clean and i wasn’t going to win the battle. He’s now sitting next to me in his PJs watching some Peppa as it’s the only way to calm him whilst I feed my newborn who is still cluster feeding in the evenings. I feel like crying. My newborn is traumatised. I never shout or get angry but he screams and rages and hits me on the arm and bangs on the door when I leave the room.

Am starting to think something is wrong with him. Surely it can’t be normal to just be fighting every. Single. Move. Every. Single. Day. I read articles that say things like “50% of children have a tantrum once a week” and i just laugh hollowly - we’d be lucky to have a day with less than 5.

My parents think he is a “problem child” although he is extremely charming when he wants to be. When we’re out and about he is pretty much perfectly behaved. He’s very empathetic to his little friends. Strangers compliment him on his manners ffs! He just turns into a little wild child at home. He’s also extremely verbal so in theory he shouldn’t have any problem communicating.

Basically, help!

Good god I just read that essay back. Apologies for the length of it. Clearly I needed the rant if nothing else.

Honestly, yes, it sounds pretty normal to me for a 2yo who has just been "displaced" by a new baby. Exhausting, maddening, mind-melting, but normal.

Does he go to childcare? Keeping up a childcare routine if possible when there is a new baby can really help. Can your partner take the baby occasionally so you can give him some 1:1 attention for even an hour? Can you involve him in "helping" with the baby and praising him elaborately when he brings you a nappy/gently pats baby's head etc? Make a big fuss of what a wonderful big brother he is and how lucky he is to have a new baby. Other than that, I'd pick your battles as you've been doing, try not to take it personally, make sure your DP/H pulls their weight and gives you a break, and ride it out.

Was he like this before your new baby arrived? I agree with a PP that trying to ensure he gets some one on one time could help, things he enjoys.

I’d ignore your parents comments for now, as I find that in reality lots of parents appear to have forgotten how having a small child actually is.

If he’s good at communicating could you try a v basic reward chart? My DS from that age responded well to one, but every child is different.

This phase will I hope pass for you.

Sounds like fairly typical behaviour to me. Do you make sure that you give him as much positive attention as you can? Could their be a bit of jealousy towards his sister involved? Can you introduce a star chart for good behaviour and a time out spot/naughty step for bad,if you haven't already?

Sounds so very tough for you OP I know you said it’s been going on since he was 15 months, but has it escalated since the new baby came along? My eldest DD can be like this and it definitely got even more rough during the first year of DD2’s life. It can be so mentally and physically draining fighting these battles 24/7.

If you’re genuinely concerned there could be something “wrong” it might be no harm to bring him to your GP/health visitor and see what they think? But many, many toddlers are like this and considering you say he’s very well behaved in public would make me think there’s nothing “wrong” per se.

Do you have a solid routine with him? I know that can be hard with a new baby and breastfeeding, especially since your husband isn’t there to help. But I find my 2.5 year old thrives on a solid routine and is much more compliant when she knows what’s happening next.

Also I know people often say “pick your battles” with small children but I don’t think that’s helpful for a strong willed child. I try to have solid boundaries and don’t give in to demands - for example I’ll tell my DD that she can watch tv but once peppa is finished the tv is going off. Then I follow through. If she whines/asks for for one more minute I don’t cave I stick to the rule. I’ve found being consistent like this has made such a difference. She knows I mean it and she doesn’t really bother protesting / If she’s does start protesting it never lasts long and I’m able to direct her on to the next thing pretty quickly.

I remember when DD2 was born I was drowning somewhat and started searching online for how to cope with her behaviour and found two websites/FB pages extremely helpful: AHA parenting and Janet Lansbury. Hang in there I’m sure you’re doing great!

Honestly I think it’s hard to say. Could be totally normal for a child who has a new sibling to cope with but could also be atypical.

Does he go to nursery? If not then I would send him, respite for you and a chance to see how he gets on there. If he does then ask the staff what he’s like.

Also, instead of saying eg “get your trousers on now” say “do you want to put your trousers on in your bedroom or the living room”. Make it seem like he has some control/choices.

Oh and he’s not a “problem child” that’s a pretty insensitive thing for them to say! He’s two and possibly struggling to adapt to a big change in his world. Try to frame it in your mind that he’s not “giving you a hard time” hes “having a hard time” and it should help you when you feel like killing him

Also I know people often say “pick your battles” with small children but I don’t think that’s helpful for a strong willed child. I try to have solid boundaries and don’t give in to demands

I totally agree with that - when I say "pick your battles" I mean choose your most important rules and enforce them consistently. Inconsistency just means more tantrums and also confuses and frightens the child.

I also agree with the "choices" thing - you can get a long way with a 2yo by giving them some degree of agency - you tell them what is happening but give them two choices you're both happy with as to what they can do e.g. "we're getting in the car now, do you want to climb into your seat or do you want mummy to lift you?".

Ahaparenting.com is a great website with a game plan for each age group and specific article s on discipline etc. I'd also really recommend the book 'how to talk so little kids will listen'. Key tips from there include making things fun and trying to get regular 1-1 time with him. I've tried timers (eg can you get dressed in 2 minutes) and races (can you beat daddy) with particular activities.

Also, remember you are in charge. You are not requesting him to do something, you are telling him. Set firm boundaries and be the parent.

But also spend some time with him alone so you can have some positive experiences together when the baby is asleep.

It is tricky when you have a new baby because the older child has been displaced from being the priority. As someone once said, imagine your husband brought home a new wife and you were expected to play second fiddle suddenly. It would take some adjustment!

My Dd was like this at 2. As she got nearer 3 and he speech/understanding improved she got so much better. We still have at least one tantrum a day over something but it's not nearly as intense now that she can explain things better and she has a better understanding of why I'm saying no.

Start with the toilet training. Does he respond to rewards? Even if it's a short term measure I'd bribe him (with sweets) for using the potty - though if he's physically capable I'd get him straight on the toilet with the use of a step.

Tackle that first. Would be my suggestion.

Normal! Don't worry OP a new sibling is a big change.

you tell them what is happening but give them two choices you're both happy with as to what they can do e.g. "we're getting in the car now, do you want to climb into your seat or do you want mummy to lift you?".

Yes I’ve found this works really well for my DD too. If she still plays up and doesn’t answer the question I say something like “ok it seems you don’t want to climb into your seat I’m going to lift you in” and I do it no matter how much kicking and screaming she does and the next time she’ll most likely choose when I ask.

He is not a problem child he is just a toddler. A toddler who’s suddenly having to share mummy and whose world has just changed hugely.
I have a 2 and a half year old and a 9 month old. Getting into a routine is the best thing to do and sticking to it even though it’s hard.
Stop asking do you want to do this and say we are going to do this just off hand like it’s no big deal and follow through. (It’s nice to give them a choice but if you don’t give them one then it’s harder for them to say no)
When baby is napping or feeding try to read books with him or play games so that he can still have some of your full attention ignore the housework as that will still be there later.
My daughter has tantrums and is a nightmare to get dressed and change her nappy. She just hates it but is starting to use the potty and that has changed her attitude slightly towards it.
Just remember everything’s a phase and it will get better eventually.

Temper tantrums are usually a daily thing in our house. Sounds like Ds was strongwilled before the new baby came. Although it's probably contributing.

Choices - red or blue plate etc work great.

Also giving them responsibility - jobs that are theirs every day. Getting the post etc.

Letting him come up with ideas of things to do. Park after lunch etc.

Races - time how long it takes to get dressed.

Consequences - if he doesn't get dressed then no trip to the park. Always follow through.

My dd was 2.3 when dd2 was born and responded well to these things. But it's not a fix. Tantrums still happen over a year later. Even louder

I had twins and those toddler years are tough. There is good advice above. Ignore your parents comments - how is calling him a problem child helping.

I agree with choosing your battles, he sounds bright so give him challenges and things to look forward to. We would have bathtime sing song - favourite songs sung in the loudest voice possible. Kids would choose the songs. Bubble time, I would make loads of bubbles and they made beards and hats etc. In the summer, I would do al fresco bath time. Fill the kids paddling pools with warm soapy water and they get surprisingly clean. Do consider the reward sticker chart. I bought some ugly padded stickers the kids loved and they would take ages choosing which sticker they wanted to go on the chart. Would also recommend the stop watch - bet you can't put your shoes on in two minutes. We bought a giant egg timer - the kids loved it. Also, don't be afraid to actually say - 'This is what is what is happening today, you have five minutes and then you will put on your shoes because we are going out'

Also, be kind to yourself OP. A toddler and a new baby is hard work. The toddler stage won't last for long and if he behaves well outside, is well mannered and kind you are clearly doing well.

Thank you all, I feel a bit less teary

It started before DD was born but DS has been very aware of her arrival for awhile iyswim - so hard to unpick one from the other. He is very helpful and loving with her, he helps change nappies and sings her songs when she is crying (!). He’s definitely jealous (I get a lot of “mummy put [DD] in her basket!”) but that’s ok.

He does like reward charts, I did one for sleeping in his own bed after DD was born as he was screeching for us in the middle of the night, it worked for awhile but now he comes into our bed instead (irony being DD’s slept through from 8pm-7am from 5 weeks old - !!). Basically he just seems like he can process the point of reward charts and take or leave them.

Childcare - we have a nanny, he isn’t ready for nursery (separation anxiety). It took him 6mo+ to stop bursting into tears when I left eh house for work every morning.

He gets a good amount of 121 time - probably more so than before as I was at work! I try to at least once a day leave DD with nanny and do something with DS. He suffers a bit at bedtime and wake up time - bedtime we tend to divide and conquer when DH is home so he doesn’t get me every night, wake up I obv have to feed DD who’s been asleep for 11 hours so is starving - so DS tends to get booted downstairs with DH or nanny depending on timing.

I just worry about the ferocity of his tantrums and how long it takes him to calm down. Along with his extreme separation anxiety and general mummy’s boy-ness. The 2 choices thing is one of the things that make me nervous - I always only give him 2 choices and he’ll just completely ignore them or laugh if he doesn’t fancy them. I’ve got a couple of other strategies (basically diversion and bribery) but if they don’t work I’m faced with the unpalatable choice of running headlong into a tantrum or giving in. And like the PP said i do feel he is so strong willed that giving in all the time isn’t actually good for him.

Potty training - we are at the point where he literally excuses himself to go to the corner and do a poo in his nappy. However he won’t countenance doing it on the potty or toilet. What do you do?!

Potty training my son wasn’t ready until he was 3, he did exactly that and wasn’t interested. But at 3 was fine. Please don’t worry. DD was much easier and self trained at 2. Nature not nurture definitely!!

Mine were never tantrummers, so it's not normal - relatively speaking - for me.
Not a stealth boast, by the way. They can be whingers, but not tantrummers

Potty training - we are at the point where he literally excuses himself to go to the corner and do a poo in his nappy. However he won’t countenance doing it on the potty or toilet. What do you do?!

Well that's a good sign that he knows when he needs.

If you can, move that on where he steps into a pull up type nappy when he needs but has pants on otherwise. Only when you're at home though. And pants no trousers, socks or shoes.

I realise you weren't specifically looking for potty training advice

My 2 year old is practically the same. It’s exhausting. Every other night I can’t get her in the bath so she often goes to bed grubby, especially on days she’s at nursery. She also behaves perfectly for everyone else and has major separation anxiety. She is very good at communicating but will still have 5+ tantrums per day, especially if she’s tired.

Fingers crossed they grow out of it soon.

You said you are not in UK OP but where you are do they have a health visitor system or similar? Can you get a first hand opinion from them?

User I’m sorry you’re goinf through this too. It’s dreadful - I love DS so fiercely and it makes me feel so terrible that I’m constantly having to push back against him

Yes we have a HV system here. HV thinks he’s the most amazing little boy ever as he’s such a star whenever we go there. It’s like she doesn’t understand what he can be like / she doesn’t believe me.