Christmas politics :-(

[TwinklyLightsForXmas]

Looking for some perspective please.

Since DS has been born, we've hosted Xmas every year for DH's family. The only year we didn't was the one just after DS was born as he is a winter baby and I wasn't keen for obvious reasons. My DH's family are individually lovely but completely full on when altogether. This means that from Xmas eve to 27th my house is full of people, noise, family fallouts and I find it all too much. I'm also the one who cooks so feel like I miss out on precious time with DS on Xmas day as I'm either sorting the food or dealing with visitors.

My DH's brother and wife have just bought a house in the city we live in so I have suggested to DH that they might be able to host (and have guests) every other year so that we can have a quieter Xmas. I'd still plan on having Xmas dinner with them (at DBIL's house) but we'd open Santa's presents here on our own and have some family time alone.

For context, we never spend Xmas with my family. They live far away and there are various family issues which means I'm not keen to go. However, I find it really difficult to tell them that we're spending yet another Xmas with DH's family and I'd feel much better to say we're having every other year off.

We've just had a chat about this and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable and that it'll cause major fallouts if we say we don't want to host AND don't want anyone to stay. I think we should bite the bullet and break the cycle now otherwise every Xmas will be like this for ever more. Am I being unreasonable? What can I say to convince him other than what I have already said? Any help much appreciated! Thanks!

You are most certainly not being unreasonable, every other year is a perfect compromise. Busy mad Christmases can be amazing but not every year and not when you're the one doing all the work.

Well if your DH is so keen he can do all the prep, cooking and hosting can't he

You simple say this to him:

I'm also the one who cooks so feel like I miss out on precious time with DS on Xmas day as I'm either sorting the food or dealing with visitors.

So from now on you will only be doing it every other year. Guests are welcome on your year on Christmas lunch time to Boxing Day night.
On his year they can stay 24-27th and he can do all the work.

Or you can tell family that you want a break from hosting so so t be doing so this year —and when you do host, it’s both if you doing the donkey work—

You can tell the selfish arse that you will take DS to you family for a quiet Christmas as he is more than welcome to host, cook and run around after HIS family.

I’m confused. Is it not 19th April today?

Why are you discussing this 8 months in advance?

You shouldn't have to have people around every single year when you don't want them there but families are more complex than that and your dh's feelings matter. That said, if dh really wants them there why isn't he doing the cooking and running around so you can spend your time with your ds?

It's not fair at all for you to have this all on you. No way would I do it.
I think every third year is fair - one year you host, one year BIL hosts (if he wants to) and one year, you have Xmas all to yourselves.

Your DH is being pretty selfish - why should every year be with his family? Every other year is still quite a lot. You might prefer one year just you, DH and DS, next year with your D family and following year with his D family.

*and by 'one year you host', I mean your DH.

I would book to go away this year just to break the cycle.. then even every other year is a lot

YADNBU. Tell DH he can do all the cooking and hosting (making beds, doing the laundry tidying etc) next time for a start!

We are discussing in April because his family are here for Easter and the frustrations have started. I thought I'd drop it in to conversation as an idea when he was having a rant about how irritating they are when they are all together!

YADNBU hell would freeze over before o hosted Christmas every year. Particularly for DH’s side of the family. You’re being treated like a skivvy - they have a lovely Christmas at your financial and time expense. They are CF’s, including your DH.

To be clear, I don't want to visit my family for Xmas for various reasons I won't bore you with but I do feel bad when the ask me what I'm doing for Xmas and I say DH's family is coming (again). And I can't lie to them to cushion the blow

Why don’t you just say what you’ve said here?
Explain to them all your fed up of hosting, and things need to change.
I wouldn’t commit to every year or even every other or third year.
Ask everyone what their plans are for Christmas as your keeping it quiet or booking a holiday this year but haven’t decided what.

Now is the time to discuss this. Waiting until the season is at hand is too late because people will have already made plans.

Agree with the suggestion to go away for Christmas somewhere to break the cycle! We did this a couple of years ago to escape the usual huge fraught family Christmas and it was fabulous! Perhaps you have an imaginary friend who has offered you their holiday cottage that you can't pass up, or better still you have found the best deal ever for a ski holiday that unfortunately falls over Christmas week...

NICKYNACKY Are you the thread police? OP can discuss anything she wants to at any time or should she set a reminder to post whenever it suits you?

You have every right to spend Christmas anyway you wish. I can’t stand this controlling behaviour some families display.

You could always book a nice cottage somewhere or a country hotel and spend the time there. It would be a start to breaking the cycle

why is it all on you-can u not travel to theirs at all i assume its your pils

You are a mug. At least take every other year off.

I had MIL and FIL from 1991 until 2008 when FIL died. Except for 2001 when my dad was in a hospice and she showed off. In 2009 MIL went to Australia. So every year except 2 for 28 years.

Your back won't thank you for the rod. Mix it up a bit op.

That if your home is hosting he can do it all

Ohtheroses 28 years 😭😭. I thought 4 was too much

If your DH is being a dick about it, which it sounds he is, simply go over his head. Tell his family at the next get together that you wont be hosting this year. Dont leave wiggle room, or present it as a discussion. You are simply letting them know, well in advance, that they have to make alternative plans.

I honestly wonder how some people live. How has it got this far that you host every year and why dont you simply say no?

Christ, your dh and his family are treating you like a fucking slave!

It doesn’t matter what else you might or might not do. I wouldn’t be hosting, hosting and hosting again endlessly for anyone when I had small dc and a bunch of stress unless they were incapacitated.

I imagine it’s a very attractive prospect to come to your house and be waited on hand, foot and finger.