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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas politics :-(

72 replies

TwinklyLightsForXmas · 19/04/2019 20:55

Looking for some perspective please.

Since DS has been born, we've hosted Xmas every year for DH's family. The only year we didn't was the one just after DS was born as he is a winter baby and I wasn't keen for obvious reasons. My DH's family are individually lovely but completely full on when altogether. This means that from Xmas eve to 27th my house is full of people, noise, family fallouts and I find it all too much. I'm also the one who cooks so feel like I miss out on precious time with DS on Xmas day as I'm either sorting the food or dealing with visitors.

My DH's brother and wife have just bought a house in the city we live in so I have suggested to DH that they might be able to host (and have guests) every other year so that we can have a quieter Xmas. I'd still plan on having Xmas dinner with them (at DBIL's house) but we'd open Santa's presents here on our own and have some family time alone.

For context, we never spend Xmas with my family. They live far away and there are various family issues which means I'm not keen to go. However, I find it really difficult to tell them that we're spending yet another Xmas with DH's family and I'd feel much better to say we're having every other year off.

We've just had a chat about this and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable and that it'll cause major fallouts if we say we don't want to host AND don't want anyone to stay. I think we should bite the bullet and break the cycle now otherwise every Xmas will be like this for ever more. Am I being unreasonable? What can I say to convince him other than what I have already said? Any help much appreciated! Thanks!

OP posts:

RuggerHug · 19/04/2019 21:43

You don't have to go to BILs but they're not coming to yours.

EvaHarknessRose · 19/04/2019 21:49

Yep, I have hosted for 20 years. Going away this year woo hoo. Why doesn’t your partner care what you want?

lisamac28 · 19/04/2019 21:53

There's not a hope in hell I'd host Christmas dinner EVERY year. If your DH insists, then he organises, cooks and cleans after his family.

IncrediblySadToo · 19/04/2019 21:55

So, they’re all at yours this weekend?

If so, perfect! Over dinner tomorrow night ‘BIL SIL I cannot wait to come to yours this Christmas! It’s going to make such a lovely change! We’ll only come for the day, then you’ll have enough room for everyone else to stay😊’

Job done

Explain to DH the following year you are having a quiet Christmas at home with him & DS and should he want to host the year after HE has two years to practise cooking Christmas Dinner and getting the house ready etc because YOU have done your share the past FOUR years.

Amongstthetallgrass · 19/04/2019 21:57

Don’t winge about cooking Xmas dinner because some one will say they will help - and they never do!

Put your neck out and be an arse about it.

‘I’m not hosting Xmas here this year - it’s time some else did it’

‘ I want to eat out this year’

TBDO · 19/04/2019 22:01

There’s so much work in family Christmas for so many people.

My DM used to get roped in to hosting or helping cater/clean/organise (if hosting was at someone else’s house). She got fed up when I was around 7 and we started to have Christmas mornings at home, then either have people pop over for lunch or we would go to them for lunch.

I loved having Christmas with my DM and immediate family. We could properly play with our toys, could watch what we wanted on tv, DM was able to chat to us. I m so glad she put her foot down - otherwise I think she’d still be the gopher making sure everyone else had a fab Christmas but never getting to properly enjoy it herself.

Troels · 19/04/2019 22:12

If they are all over at yours for the weekend, it's a perfect time to say something. After a meal say I'm not hosting this year I need a break, so i think we should all gather at x's house, now they have one. It'll be great we can do every other. Keep smiling and gauge the reaction. You'll know if you are being taken for a mug, or they really think of you as part of the family gathering.
Don't warn Dh first he'll scupper the plans and is being a total dick about it.

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 19/04/2019 22:14

Just say you are having a quiet Christmas this year. No neeed for explanations.

bridgetreilly · 19/04/2019 22:17

l would talk to your BIL and SIL, with DH present, sometime between now and, say, September. Along the lines of 'So would you prefer to host Christmas this year or next? We can alternate from now on to make it easier for us both.'

Drum2018 · 19/04/2019 22:21

Put your foot down and tell Dh you are not hosting his family this year and maybe not next year either, or the year after. That for me would be the stuff of nightmares. Unless he does all the prep work including changing beds/cleaning for visitors, organising the food shop and cooking dinner, cleaning up when they eventually all bugger off home, then you just say no, you are not doing it. What's he going to do about it? Take on all the work? Unlikely.

Yabbers · 19/04/2019 22:22

NICKYNACKY Are you the thread police? OP can discuss anything she wants to at any time or should she set a reminder to post whenever it suits you?
What a shitty response to a perfectly normal question. It wasn’t why has she posted it, it was why were they discussing it. Are many people talking at Easter about who’s doing Christmas this year?

OP explained why, but I’m certain NickyNacky wasn’t the only one wondering.

Acis · 19/04/2019 22:23

Why has this all fallen on you so far, and why is it suggested it should just be you and BIL in the future? If it's a big family, why on earth shouldn't everyone take turns?

AWishForWingsThatWork · 19/04/2019 22:23

Your DH is being very unreasonable ... how kind of him to think you are the unreasonable one for not wanting to do all the heavy listing every Christmas cooking for, cleaning up after and looking after his extended family, no doubt while he's enjoying himself. YOu have a right to want to celebrate Christmas in your own home without hosting a circus / his family year in and year out.

Tell him you're done.

IF you can't quite bring yourself to go that far, tell him he'll be doing the cooking and clean up from here on out.

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 19/04/2019 22:23

I feel for you OP. This would drive me bonkers, and your DH does need a kick up the arse for not seeing your perspective.

I would go with the advice upthread - you’re going to have a quieter Christmas this year so won’t be hosting everyone. Full stop, no explanations. Don’t suggest anyone else to host - that would be unfair on them. Just leave it lie and they’ll sort themselves out over the next few months.

Sewrainbow · 19/04/2019 22:31

Yanbu sounds like the routine needs a shake up. I'd mention it this weekend, sow the seed so to speak.

Dh needs to step up on the years you do host as weĺl. Not fair to let you do all the work, then complain when you don't want to because of his fear of what his family will think.

For all you know they may think you love doing it and they don't really want to come or want to host themselves, or want a quiet Christmas alone

LongTermHold · 19/04/2019 22:37

You need to break the routine (which you are doing) and then do something different again the next year. Two years in a row gets everyone used to the idea that things are gonna be different and you cannot be relied on to host.

gingerbiscuits · 19/04/2019 22:41

Grab the bull by the horns & just come out with it while they're all with you now!! Just say what you wrote in your original post - don't rely on your husband, or it won't happen!!

KC225 · 19/04/2019 22:49

As you have them all there thus weekend, it will be easy to angle the conversation round to someone else hosting this Christmas. Ask the relations who are moving to their new house. Then say, something along the lines of I'm hoping you'll be hosting Christmas this year as I've done four years and I want a year off to have and lie in and then open the present with DS. Make sure you the 'I' word, that way you are not speaking for him.

Cherrysherbet · 19/04/2019 22:50

Did I fall asleep on good Friday and wake up on Christmas Eve?

girlywhirly · 19/04/2019 22:53

Having the family there for Easter is a brilliant opportunity to announce that you will not be hosting Christmas, it gives them all a very early warning that they will have to shift for themselves. Chances are they will think you are joking and you may have to repeat yourself. You could be cheeky and ask who will be the ones to take over at their home?! I bet you’ll be able to hear a pin drop.

It’s really mean of your DH to not support you. It says a lot that he would rather you keep on slaving each Christmas, than risk upsetting his relatives.

81Byerley · 19/04/2019 22:55

When my children were young we lived far away from my family. We had a big family day hosted by my in-laws on Boxing Day, when we opened presents from everyone there. The meal was Gammon, Turkey (They cooked two on Christmas day) and salads. On the weekend about a week or ten days before Christmas, we took it in turns to host my parents, brother and his wife and all the kids. We pretended that Saturday was Christmas Eve and Sunday was Christmas Eve. It meant our parents saw the children open the presents they had bought. On the real Christmas Day we stayed at home and had Christmas alone. It was great.

Gertie75 · 19/04/2019 22:57

The fact you're wound up about it 8 months before proves you need to say no, why should it be your husband's decision?

I'd hate to host or even visit on Christmas day so it was never an option, we do our visiting on other days and spend the 25th just us and our 2dd's, they're young and will only have a few when they still believe and it's nice for them to have the day in their pj's playing with their toys.

Don't ask your dh just tell him it's what's happening from now on, it's not like you've said you'll never host, you're being more than fair.

GreenTulips · 19/04/2019 23:05

Yep I’d tell DH he shops makes beds gets gifts cooks washes up and keep everyone entertained - but you aren’t lifting a finger

AND mean it! I did this one year and we never hosted again!

DishingOutDone · 19/04/2019 23:08

I’m confused. Is it not 19th April today? Why are you discussing this 8 months in advance? I'd say its hard for the OP not to worry about it every fucking day. And her husband is an arse. Who in their right mind would think this was ok?!

LillithsFamiliar · 19/04/2019 23:11

How do you think DBIL and DSIL will take your suggestion? Not that it matters but if you think they'll want to host then get then on-side and get them to present it as a fait accompli to the others.

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