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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christmas politics :-(

72 replies

TwinklyLightsForXmas · 19/04/2019 20:55

Looking for some perspective please.

Since DS has been born, we've hosted Xmas every year for DH's family. The only year we didn't was the one just after DS was born as he is a winter baby and I wasn't keen for obvious reasons. My DH's family are individually lovely but completely full on when altogether. This means that from Xmas eve to 27th my house is full of people, noise, family fallouts and I find it all too much. I'm also the one who cooks so feel like I miss out on precious time with DS on Xmas day as I'm either sorting the food or dealing with visitors.

My DH's brother and wife have just bought a house in the city we live in so I have suggested to DH that they might be able to host (and have guests) every other year so that we can have a quieter Xmas. I'd still plan on having Xmas dinner with them (at DBIL's house) but we'd open Santa's presents here on our own and have some family time alone.

For context, we never spend Xmas with my family. They live far away and there are various family issues which means I'm not keen to go. However, I find it really difficult to tell them that we're spending yet another Xmas with DH's family and I'd feel much better to say we're having every other year off.

We've just had a chat about this and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable and that it'll cause major fallouts if we say we don't want to host AND don't want anyone to stay. I think we should bite the bullet and break the cycle now otherwise every Xmas will be like this for ever more. Am I being unreasonable? What can I say to convince him other than what I have already said? Any help much appreciated! Thanks!

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 19/04/2019 23:13

They are here now? Two golden opportunities at once then. You tell them (your dhs wishes do not matter when he wishes that you slave for his family every bloody Christmas) - tell them you are going away and if you want Christmas at home book a short break starting Boxing Day.
And, they are all here? Get dh to do everything you would usually do at Christmas. ESPECIALLY Easter lunch. Give him a taste of it. Luckily it’s Friday so you can tell him this at least half a day in advance depending on when the main meal is.

Squigglesworth · 19/04/2019 23:24

It's smart to start discussing this well in advance of holiday planning, OP.

I'd tell your husband that he doesn't understand how much work it is for you that it's not fair for you to bear the brunt of all that work that you would like to be able to relax and enjoy a quiet Christmas at least every other year-- that you don't want to miss out on your child's early Christmases (and that you feel you are because of having to cater/entertain every blasted year).

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable and that it'll cause major fallouts if we say we don't want to host AND don't want anyone to stay.
My reply to that would be that if that causes a major fallout, his family are being ridiculous. Furthermore, it will cause a major fallout in your own household if he refuses to listen to how frustrated and exhausted you are. You deserve a break! He should understand that. His family should, too. If they don't, too bad. They'll just have to get over the disappointment.

How did they ever survive before you were there to play hostess?

Oh, and I agree that you should be careful about allowing anyone to "fix" things by offering to "help" with the food, cleaning, etc., because they may not carry through (and even if they do try to help, they will probably be constantly asking where xyz is, etc., and you still won't get the real peace you want).

JennyWoodentop · 19/04/2019 23:43

You are perfectly reasonable not to want to host this year, and if the family is all together over Easter, now is a good time to say so.

You are unreasonable to volunteer anyone else for the task however. It's up to others if they want to offer. If they don't offer to host, that's fine, everyone can do their own thing - have a quiet Christmas, go on holiday, volunteer to do a shift at work so someone else gets Christmas off, whatever they want to do.

If you don't want to host - which is fine, I wouldn't either - you don't get to impose your preferences onto anyone else. You don't get to say to BIL & SIL it's their turn now. They may not want a turn, they may be happy to come to you if you invite them & everyone else is going to be there, but not be too bothered otherwise.

Jux · 19/04/2019 23:47

The Xmas arrangements are not working for you. You've told your dh, now you tell the rest of them.

Just tell them that you'd like Christmas which is just the three of you so this year they will have to make other arrangement, oh but wait! dbil is moving nearby, he could host........

Ohtherewearethen · 20/04/2019 06:51

This isn't your husband's decision. Who is he to think he can insist you slave away every Christmas to please his overbearing family? I would ask him very clearly, "Don't I deserve a Christmas with our son?"
"You're saying that I must cook/clean host everyone again and miss out on precious family time to please your family? Why don't you care about pleasing me?" Ask uncomfortable questions that he knows would make him sound a dick by answering. Explain how much work it is for you and how you are not his family's Cinderella.
I honestly think some people just don't realise how much work goes into hosting events like this because you make it look effortless. Or worse, they think you enjoy it! Good luck, I hope you get your husband to see your point of view x

kateandme · 20/04/2019 08:14

you neeed to have an open and frank conversation with your dh.saying please can he take your feeling into consideration here,that youd like a rest and everyother year is only fair here.your not asking for something that wouldnt be happening anyway if your parents were closer/and were close.you want a year with just you guys.he needs to listen to that and if he doesnt that id just let it play out.let him have a grump let them react how they will.you are only being fair and reasonable in wha tyour asking.
dont back down on this.it will trickle and lead to more upset and resenment.

kateandme · 20/04/2019 08:16

with us every other year is done.but we still see the family who we dont have on the day.so it might be boxing day at theirs or within a few days we will get together.
suggest this.your still being with them just not on such a high pressured day for you

PinkiOcelot · 20/04/2019 09:22

I would be telling him in no uncertain terms where to go. He’s a selfish dick!!

Just say I’m not doing it and stick to your guns. If you keep saying no I’m not doing it, he can’t make you.

Notwiththeseknees · 20/04/2019 09:59

I would first of all find a gentle way to break the cycle so the fammo have 8 months to make their plans. Personally, I would tell them we were going away for Christmas - small cottage/skiing/distant poorly relative and it would be a great big lie! Nearer the time, (23rd December) my plans would mysteriously fall through.
Or following the big lie, wait till they have arranged an alternative, then mention plans have fallen through but you are going to look forward to a small, quiet family Christmas.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 20/04/2019 10:03

We've just had a chat about this and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable and that it'll cause major fallouts if we say we don't want to host AND don't want anyone to stay.

Well, he would say that wouldn't he. He's not the one doing all the work, missing out on time with DC due to being stuck in the kitchen and it means he gets to keep his family sweet whilst having to put in no effort whatsoever. He's being a selfish arse. I would ask him why he's so frightened of upsetting his family but doesn't care that the current arrangement is upsetting for you.

Put your foot down, OP.

MortyVicar · 20/04/2019 14:11

For one, they're with you now - which suggests that it's not just every Christmas, but Easter too.

For another, your DH's response - DH thinks I'm being unreasonable and that it'll cause major fallouts if we say we don't want to host AND don't want anyone to stay. - says clearly that he puts his family's wants above yours. Does he do this about other things as well?

He's lucky that you have your own reasons for not wanting to spend Christmas with your own parents, or this would have been a discussion a long time ago. Maybe it should have been, regardless. But you need to stand up for yourself now, to his family and to him.

PregnantSea · 20/04/2019 14:16

Chilledout's idea is very good. Go away for Xmas this year. They will all have to come up with another arrangement. The cycle will be broken

Bambamber · 20/04/2019 14:19

I would absolutely take your child away for Christmas. Your husband can host if he so wishes

Quartz2208 · 20/04/2019 14:22

I think you need to tell him he isnt compromising with you - you dont want to do it, it too much and you dont enjoy Christmas like he should be he needs to be wary of a major fallout with you

tashac89 · 20/04/2019 14:26

I used to bloody hate Christmas till I put my foot down. It was always people rocking up at various times of the day (family live in same town) throwing more gifts at my kids and expecting me to stop whatever I'm doing to make coffees and the like. Ugh. Horrible. Last year we decided to have Christmas dinner just us in the evening and visit the inlaws and my dad during the day. It was so much nicer.

Dutch1e · 20/04/2019 15:37

For one, they're with you now - which suggests that it's not just every Christmas, but Easter too.

This stuck out to me too. When did the OP become host-central for every major holiday?

Absolutely agree that now is a perfect time to announce that you're taking a few years off hosting then just sit back and see what happens.

Please don't suggest that BIL/SIL take it on. There is no need to throw them to the wolves, a grown family is capable of figuring out their Christmas plans without you offering solutions.

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2019 15:47

Tell him you either sort it now or you're going to drop the bombshell in November.

Which would he prefer? Because either way you're not planning on being the Kitchen Elf this year.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 20/04/2019 16:03

You have the ideal opportunity to say you won’t be doing the hosting this year. If DH’s family kick off, I’d say that’s a good result because they will stop taking you for granted and possibly even give you a few months peace if they don’t talk to you for a while!

Ellisandra · 20/04/2019 16:31

Bloody hell. I’d say this would be sensitive to handle if you and he were JOINTLY (or him lion’s share) hosting them all.

But he’s leaving you to do it?

FUCK THAT.

Tell him you’re alternating from this year, but you’re prepared to do this year so everyone adjusts. Except that he’s doing all the hosting. And mean it. I expect once he’s made up all the beds, done all the cooking etc, he’ll gone round to your way of thinking

You really need to work out why you ever decided to do all the cooking. He’s a fucking arsehole for letting you - but you a responsibility for choosing that too.

cuppycakey · 20/04/2019 16:46

YANBU

Just tell DH it's non negotiable and you aren't doing it. What did ILS do before you came along? I am sure they will cope.

If DH prefers to spend Christmas with his parents rather than his own DC he needs to have a good look at himself. Not everyone likes big family gatherings.

YoThePussy · 20/04/2019 17:00

Never too early for the Christmas discussion to come up. A member of my family asked me what we were doing for Christmas in February. I gave her a very hard stare and said I had no idea what she was doing but I was going abroad. Always fancied Christmas Day on the beach in the Caribbean.

TheDayBef0reW0rk · 20/04/2019 17:20

I've been asked about Xmas earlier in the year. The last few years we have eaten out somewhere locally, which suits our family. My tip is to start investigating venues early, in September, pay the deposit to secure a booking.

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