To ask about disastrously short marriages and how you coped

[hellsweddingbells]

Long time MNetter but nc'd for this!

I know I'm by no means the first or last to have an embarrassingly short marriage and I have come to see it more as I'm glad I had the balls to walk away rather than as a failure.
The strange thing is I didn't marry in haste - had been together 3 years, but within a matter of days (I really don't think I was imagining it) his behaviour changed and he seemed like he thought he was boss and got very controlling and stopped making any effort altogether. Within maybe two months it seemed like he couldn't be bothered to say hello when he came in and barely spoke to me.
If I'd been an "I've dreamed of my wedding day since I was a little girl" kind of person and had been pushing him into it, I could have understood, but if anything, he seemed keener to get married than I did, so there's no way I think anyone could say he got pushed into it.
I tried to stay positive and waited a few months to see if things changed but he became so controlling I had to get out.

I wondered if anyone else has had similar experiences or their marriage didn't last very long and if there were any warning signs or red flags you ignored. I don't really like having to explain it to people because it's not their business, but I also doubt it's as unheard of as I probably first thought.

[mabelsgarden]

I have a good friend who was with her man from when she was 16 and he was 22. He was arsey, aggressive, and rude to most of her family and friends, and everyone but her could see he was horrible. He controlled everything she did, told her how to dress, made sure she stayed under 9 stone, and size 8 or less, and mocked and belittled her regularly. It was horrible to witness.

In addition, he hated everything about Christmas, and refused to have a single Christmas decoration in the house, and no tree (obviously.) She loved Christmas but didn't even dare mention it, let alone have it in the house. Also, he was scared of flying, so they never went abroad on holiday, and just went to North Wales. HIS wishes trumped HERS every single time.

They were together for 6 years, and when she was 22 and he was 28, they got married. The wedding cost £20,000, the honeymoon cost £5000 (and this was on top of the wedding.)

It lasted 6 months. All that time wasted with this horrid man, and £25,000 too! At least she got out when she was only in her mid 20's, but yeah, that's the shortest marriage I have ever known with people I know.

Personally, I think it takes a lot of courage to get up and walk away from a marriage, especially after many years, and when you have kids, and financial commitments and intertwined families...

I know several women who stayed in dull and loveless (though not necessarily abusive) marriages, because they had big financial commitments and children together, and they said they planned on leaving when the kids left uni. One woman I know says she left it and left it, and by the time she and her DH had no financial commitments and no kids at home, it was too late.

She was mid 50's, fat, and past it, (her words!) and too old to retrain for a new career, or to get a new man. (Not that she wanted one anyway.) SHE said she regretted staying, and is now with a fat miserable old man of nearly 60, who moans every minute of every day, who never lifts a finger in the house, and who she hates more every day. I know several women at this stage, and they say they just wish he would die.

So if it is possible to get out when you're younger, then do. Don't live a life of regret, like many do...........

[fizzysci]

A friend knew on her wedding night that she had made a terrible mistake.

[AfterLaughter]

@ellenbrough I change details (no of DC, age of DC, how old I am, where I am, whether I work or not) and NC regularly so I’m not identified by my exH as he stalked my posts on mumsnet for quite some time

I’m glad you live in a world where men fart rainbows and you can’t understand why someone would do this.

[mabelsgarden]

No need to explain yourself @AfterLaughter

Very sensible to change facts anyway, even if you aren't trying to avoid abusive exes. So people can't identify you easily...

[DeeCeeCherry]

2nd marriage 7 months. I can't begin to describe how physically and emotionally abusive he was, to the point of telling me we are married now so I'd have to put up with it. I thought fuck that, and got rid. If it wasn't for the police being so supportive I think he'd have killed me, he was so angry and vengeful.

Deep down I still felt embarrassed though. Spectacular mistake. I think I was just a project to him, he wanted someone to wear down into the ground with misery. He's the only person I can say I truly hate. Looking back, he just didn't like women.

This was years ago now, I've only bumped into him once and he had the nerve to imply regret and could we try again? I'd rather jump backwards off a high building.

[Canadian1]

I knew after a just month but I only have myself to blame. Her sister came up to me just before the wedding and said it will never last, my sister is impossible. I do blame my mother a little because she didn't want me leave even though I was only 22. Oddly though my mother did let slip that at a shower my then future wife said I hope he doesn't change his mind. Trust you gut, your close friends, and your more sensible family. If it's not working in the beginning it will most likely only get worse. Oh and I stuck mine out for seven years, it cost me 200000 pounds at 28.

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

My sister’s friend had a big wedding after she’d been with her partner for eight years. Within four months, she found out he was cheating. For him, the wedding was a massive sticking plaster. She even said she’d try to forgive him, but he said there was no point as it would never be the same again.

A friend of mine married a man who’d previously had a three-month marriage. It rang alarm bells for her, but he convinced her he’d rushed into it when he was very young and had learned from his mistakes. Their own marriage lasted barely a year before he was unfaithful. From his response when caught out and his behaviour since, she’s come to the conclusion that he’s actually a closet case, going from woman to woman and rushing into commitment in the vain hope that one of them is the ‘right’ one he just hasn’t found yet.

[LRL2019]

10 years together before married, married just over 2 years with a 9 month old and he walked out. He completely changed when I got pregnant and I'm convinced there was somebody else. I'm just glad to be rid of him as I'm now seeing how nasty he really is.

[papaver]

This is really common behaviour for abusers and well documented in articles / books on subject including Why does he do that which is often recommended on Mumsnet. The more “trapped” you are in the relationship the less they feel they have to try and the more abusive they become. Having children is often another key time when this happens. Sadly to my cost I have learnt this first hand and am only just in the process of escaping after years of abusive behaviour just wish I had got out earlier but felt I should stay and try and make it work. I think when people look back there were often early warning signs but it is too easy to ignore, compromise and make excuses for them.

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

Fairly sure my marriage is one of the shortest ever. 4 hours.
I've posted about it a lot on here before, but I will share it again. I recieved a facebook message from a young woman saying he had been cheating on me 8 weeks prior to the wedding. I was 7 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child together on the day we married. She had been coming to my house and shagging him whilst I had been om nightshifts and he was at home supposedly caring for the children (our then 1 year old and my 12 year old).
On the day I married him we had been together 5 years (to the day). To boot it was my 30th birthday. I had no idea of rhe above prior to this message.
Almost 5 years later, and it feels like it happened to a different person, and I can happily tell the tale without actually caring about it. Time most definitely did some healing here.
The end of the story is he ran off after I confronted him. Heard from him on and off for a bit about my son (didn't care about the pregnancy apparently). After a few weeks he lost interest and stopped seeing his child. I see him about now and then as he lives around the corner. He still doesn't see his children. Prior to all this I never imagined he'd be the kind of loser to abandon his children. Turns out I didn't know him at all really. 🤷
So yeah... 4 hours. 😳

[Mooey89]

Married for 18 months before I left my exh.
Got engaged after 4 months at 21. Married by 23.

I don’t regret it because I have my DS but I was so young and Nieve and there were so so many red flags before the final straw that woke me up and made me realise I had to leave.

He was a violent abusive bully.

[Bluelonerose]

Mine lasted 13 months and he decided to sleep with someone else. Was happy I found out when I did as we were just about to start ttc

[Iflyaway]

Some of these are hard to read.

I knew 2 weeks after getting married I'd made a huge mistake, him showing his true face. Controlling me which would have just gotten worse over time.

Luckily he fucked off after 6 months (we had a baby) and I remember being shocked to find out at the lawyers that I had to be married for a year before I could file for divorce... :-O
(Not UK).

It was my first and only ever marriage. Of course I've had relationships since (and never lived with a man either to basically protect my son) then but no way never am I ever getting married again. I love my independence too much.

I blame fairy stories myself... "And they lived happily ever after" brain-washing.

[hellsweddingbells]

@ThisMustBeMyDream 4 hours probably is one of the sorter ones but massive credit to you for telling him where to go.

I wanted to say I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences, it does make me put mine into perspective but I'm also sorry for what everyone went through. Part of me wishes I could have been there at all of your weddings and been the person who stands up and shouts that they have an objection to the marriage going ahead!

[leonasa]

I left my husband after two months. There were absolutely red flags, I understand now he was emotionally abusive and gas lighting but at the time I just kept trying to make things work, even though I had doubts I wasn't ready to call time either, plus I'd invested a lot, left my job/home for him. Then he hit me two days before our wedding. Obviously I almost called it off then but it was too much to cope with at the time. He was an angel throughout the wedding week (destination) but as soon as everyone else left he was back to exactly the same, and worse. He was drinking more and more, seemed very uninterested in me apart from what I could do for him and when the wedding photos arrived they sat in my email as I couldn't bear to look at them. I think that was the wake up call really. I then told my family the full extent (mostly) of what had been happening and they were completely behind my decision to leave.

It is a weird one, I don't generally much feel like explaining it and the "have you ever been married" question from dates is very awkward!! But yes, it is much more common than people think and that becomes clear when you do talk about it.

[harriethoyle]

When he asked me to marry him (after 7 years) my first instinctive thought was"oh no...". Cracked on and parted within 2.5 years, the last year of which was going through the motions. On the plus side, am now blissfully happy with the most wonderful man, and we are planning our respective second marriage All the best people have a starter marriage OP

[MoreProseccoNow]

I met exDH at 18, got married at 26 (with hindsight because we needed some sort of conclusion).

Within 6 months, it was a nightmare (wasn't aware at the time about the drugs), but I was I've off these "I've made my bed, I'll lie in it" types & worried about what people would think.

So I stuck it for another few years, but at 29, the thought of having kids with him was awful, so I ended it.

The older generation were definitely judgemental- although none of them were clearly married to a bloke who did a gram of cocaine a weekend & had a drugs supply in the house

[kerkyra]

my second marriage lasted 15mnths as he decided to to sneak off to Russia to meet a woman he'd been chatting to on Instagram. Five years on and i'm online dating still and find it so hard to trust

[hellsweddingbells]

I can remember not really wanting to go on the honeymoon 2 months later and feeling like I had a heavy heart as we set off for the airport. He was a nightmare non stop on it - complete drama queen, turning every little thing like how to get to the hotel, which restaurant to eat in, the fact it was hot and I wanted to buy a bottled drink from a shop etc into a massive deal, having a strop when the bank blocked my card so I couldn't take out cash, complaining he was bored, sitting reading all day and not wanting to talk to me. I spent the whole time sitting on the hotel room balcony googling stuff about newlyweds behaving strangely in the hope of finding some reassurance.

[MODGNIK]

A friend of ours had a massive wedding in the 90s- oxford college chapel, reception and all

Divorced within 6 months

He was our friend- very yuppie but ok

She wanted a wedding it seems. They only knew each other for 6 months before they married and he was a bit of a shagger before then.

Bonkers- I always wonder if she got any of his assets

[Easterbunnynearlyhere]

After being split from dp for 6 months he persuaded me he had changed. Booked a wedding for ten weeks time. Had an awful day, hardly spoke to me at all. His family weren't very pleased we had gotten back together. The best man stayed with us for a week, went out all of us, dh was very abusive and pushing and shoving me all night. Came home he collapsed extremely drunk. I slept with the best man - . Knew we weren't going to last. Less than a year later he nearly killed us all drink driving and I filed for divorce.

[MODGNIK]

We also had a school friend who broke up on her wedding day, we were invited but couldn't attend

They got married and then she broke down to her family and showed them her broken arm. They took her home. It was annulled.

[SrSteveOskowski]

Not a short marriage, but a similar story to some of the others here.
A few days before a lady I know was due to get married, her bridesmaid came to her in tears and told her she had to tell her something and she had agonised over whether to do it or not. Basically she told her that her DH to be was in a relationship with someone else. She believed her straight away but felt she couldn't cancel the wedding as she had family and friends coming from abroad and everything was booked.
So she married him. He was a shit and hit her a few times and put his hands around her throat. She had a DC with him and when her DC was about 7, her DH announced he didn't love her and was leaving. Just like that.

He left her for the other woman (yes, the one that her friend had told her about before the wedding) It turned out he also had a DC with her who was about 6 months older than the other DC.

That lady is one of my closest friends now and the cunt she was married to is DH's brother. He's a nasty abusive shit and I have absolutely nothing to do with him. I don't even talk to him or his second wife (yes, it's the OW)

He's such a shit that neither of his older children from either relationship want anything to do with him now that they're both adults in their twenties.
He has other kids with OW and I can already see the eldest going the same way as his older half siblings.

He'll end up a lonely, bitter old man and it's no more than the evil bastard deserves.

[MODGNIK]

I also have a friend who left her DH within a week of marriage for her next door neighbour who was best man.

She only got married because her relationship was failing and it was a new start. They left the wedding separately for some reason and then the best man came round and proposed. It has been at least 17 years and they are still together.

[misper]

You regularly see threads on here by women that want to leave but are embarrassed to have such a short marriage. To those women I say, don't wait, don't worry about what others think. If I hear of someone with a short marriage I have respect for them for realising what needs to be done..