To ask about disastrously short marriages and how you coped

[hellsweddingbells]

Long time MNetter but nc'd for this!

I know I'm by no means the first or last to have an embarrassingly short marriage and I have come to see it more as I'm glad I had the balls to walk away rather than as a failure.
The strange thing is I didn't marry in haste - had been together 3 years, but within a matter of days (I really don't think I was imagining it) his behaviour changed and he seemed like he thought he was boss and got very controlling and stopped making any effort altogether. Within maybe two months it seemed like he couldn't be bothered to say hello when he came in and barely spoke to me.
If I'd been an "I've dreamed of my wedding day since I was a little girl" kind of person and had been pushing him into it, I could have understood, but if anything, he seemed keener to get married than I did, so there's no way I think anyone could say he got pushed into it.
I tried to stay positive and waited a few months to see if things changed but he became so controlling I had to get out.

I wondered if anyone else has had similar experiences or their marriage didn't last very long and if there were any warning signs or red flags you ignored. I don't really like having to explain it to people because it's not their business, but I also doubt it's as unheard of as I probably first thought.

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

I forgot to add, I know two people who called time on the marriage after 4 weeks. One was after an absolute stonking massive castle wedding (20k) and the other was some guy who married, went offshore, came back earlier than expected and literally caught his wife in bed with another guy.

Both were about 8 years ago and both have moved onto v successful relationships now and are happy.

[AfterLaughter]

@Ellenborough to clarify - he left after 15 months then I discovered I was pregnant. He saw DC once. Then I had help to move house because the police had to be called. I fled.

[JaniceBattersby]

My best mate’s husband told her as the plane touched down on their honeymoon that he had to get off quickly because he had to ring Sarah. Sarah was an old friend of us both.

When she asked him why on earth he had to call Sarah, he told her that they were ‘in a relationship, and don’t pretend she didn’t know, and obviously he’d married my best mate because Sarah was too common to get on with his parents’.

So he expected her to just put up with this situation. I can not describe how much of a bolt from the blue this was to us all. Like others have said, it was like a switch had flipped.

She never left the airport, flew home on the next available flight and got an annulment after having to jump through the Vatican’s many hoops. So just over 36 hours of marriage before she left him.

[hellsweddingbells]

@AfterLaughter I could actually believe we were married to the same person. I experienced the same with the anxiety which ended up in me not leaving the house and having a nervous breakdown which was the deciding factor in kicking him out. Again, I'm so sorry for what you went through but the good thing is you see it for what it was and he's no longer in your life

[Ellenborough]

After so he's the father of your youngest?

[hellsweddingbells]

@JaniceBattersby bloody hell, that is horrific but sadly I can believe it. The audacity of some people is shocking

[SecretWitch]

@AfterLaughter..Jesus. No judgement from me. I’m guessing people do not understand how abuse can undermine your decision making and self determination. I’m happy to know you are away from that twat 💐

[HairycakeLinehan]

OP there is nothing embarrassing about not wasting a moment more of your life.
So many people stay for fear of “what people will thing” etc.

I have a friend whose marriage lasted 9 months, she has gone on to be wildly successful and really happy.
Another friend from the same group married at the same age and actually to a friend of groom 1 and she was desperately unhappy for years, kept put off having a baby and eventually left her when she was in her forties for someone in her twenties and had children with her.

[SilverySurfer]

I know two women whose marriages were short-lived. The first was a young colleague. Her 'husband' left her at the altar saying 'thanks for this - now I can stay in the country legally - walked out never to be seen again. She had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

Second was a friend who was married for four months. She subsequently told me that when the wedding ended he left her in the honeymoon suite alone and went out and slept with a prostitute. He regularly hit her, at one point kicking her in the stomach, knowing that she was pregnant - she lost the baby. He was German, they lived in Germany and he hid her passport so she couldn't escape. He got careless one day and she managed to get it, she left with one carrier bag, saying she was going shopping. She knew once she didn't return he would go straight to the airport to stop her so took several buses and trains to Luxembourg and flew to the UK from there. It was years ago but I would love to be a big strong man and get my hands on that bastard.

[hellsweddingbells]

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut I can imagine it being very awkward when there's been a big wedding. Mine wasn't - meal in a restaurant and a cake. You hear all the stories of big expensive weddings = shorter marriage, but I think if I'd spent more on mine I'd have been married for minus eight months - which would have been a good thing!

[AfterLaughter]

Yes he’s the father of my youngest.

@SecretWitch Thankyou It was horrific. I could barely leave the house. But 3.5 years later I’m a STEM student at a top University so suffice to say the fucker hasn’t kept me down I have a very nice life now as do my DC. Don’t give up OP, it does get better.

[Catchingbentcoppers]

@Ellenborough, this thread is about other peoples' experiences on short marriages, not to make them feel shit about what they probably know were bad choices. That's not fair.

[whohaa]

A relative got married and a week later, on the first day of their honeymoon, the dh admitted he'd lied about wanting kids and would never ever consider having any.

She's now remarried with 2 kids.

[AfterLaughter]

@Catchingbentcoppers Thankyou

I had known him for over a decade. Thought I knew him well. Turned out I didn’t. Men like him are sneaky, accomplished liars, I’m far from stupid but I feel for it hook line and sinker and it’s taken me years to wrap my head around it.

DC is wonderful and I don’t regret my decision to continue the pregnancy at all. I could have had an abortion, I chose not to. Raising DC alone didn’t just give me my confidence back, it made me stronger, more resilient and smarter than I’ve ever been and that is the reason I am where I am now. Never did I think I’d be living on a beautiful campus, studying STEM in my 30s.

[SecretWitch]

@AfterLaughter. You are strong and brave. Also, you are not obligated to answer any questions regarding yourself or your children on the internet (or anywhere)

[AfterLaughter]

@SecretWitch You are correct. But I won’t have someone attempt to bully me when I’ve been abused enough as it is. Nor do I want any woman who’s in the same situation I was in to be reading this and feeling like crap.

[Passmealargewine]

I was with my ex for 7 years. He made a huge deal about how badly he wanted marriage & babies, like, went on about it all the time, it was all he ever wanted blah blah

We got married, i was pregnant about 3 months after. As soon as I was pregnant he just changed. He walked out on us twice before the baby even turned one & I eventually caught him out cheating after less than 2 years of marriage.

I do feel a bit embarrassed sometimes, I blame myself a little for making such bad choices but I am glad I didn't waste any more time on him than that. I am now much happier. It can be hard when you dont know people irl who have been through similar

[BertieBotts]

Some men do make a conscious choice to be abusive, there was a really interesting quote on the thread about "Why do people ask "why did you have a baby with him?" " which was about these kind of men. I like to see the best in people, I do think most abusers don't do so consciously but just have a skewed view, but these men do make a strategic choice, it's really shocking. I will try and find it.

[viques]

An ex colleague married someone she had met on holiday (in a classic way he was working at the hotel she stayed in) getting a visa took longer than the marriage lasted.

What pissed on my chips was she was granted two extra days leave for the wedding, then four months later asked for another days leave so they could have a "goodbye" day out before he went home. She flipping got it too!

[Ellenborough]

@AfterLaughter. You are strong and brave. Also, you are not obligated to answer any questions regarding yourself or your children on the internet (or anywhere)

Of course she's not but if people are going to be inconsistent with the things they say under the same user name they can hardly act all surprised and indignant when people query things that don't make sense.

[AcrossthePond55]

Mine was in the forces, so although we were legally married close to 5 years, we probably only actually lived together for a little over 2. Same thing, he was fine before we married but once he got the ring on my finger he became a real shit-arse. There was no sign of temper beforehand, but I still knew I shouldn't marry him, there were just too many differences in our thinking and outlook. But being barely 20 and a coward I went through with it. We had no children (thank God).

I figured since we had no children, once we were divorced longer than we were married I could discount the marriage and act as if it never happened. So I started just saying I was single rather than divorced. Obvs I told my DH about it once we got serious.

[Redcrayons]

I know someone who came back from honeymoon and said she didn’t want to move in with husband and carried on living with parents. They ‘dated’ for a year before announcing they’d split up.
I worked with her mum, so not sure I got the whole story but it seems the ‘dating’ Was just to keep up appearances.

I used to work with someone who had just got married when I started, when I left 2.5 years later was divorced and engaged to his next wife. Would be his third and he was only 30.

[Charlottejbt]

I think I managed a year and a half exactly. He was either working away from home or was out partying most of the time. We never really lived as a couple or did anything together. I dreaded him coming home because he was always angry and demanding. The red flags were abundant beforehand (drinking mostly) but his behaviour definitely deteriorated after the marriage. In a way, the really bad marriages are better than the just-about-bearable ones, because you're forced to leave them sooner and thus waste less of your life on the loser.

[Batterycat]

Oh fuck off Ellenbrough this really isn't the thread for you and no-one is enjoying your comments

( don't normally do this, but don't feel the other poster should have to)

[IdaBWells]

My best friend was romantically wooed by a Polish guy, she was in her 30s. She visited Poland a number of times and his family loved her. She is a devout Catholic and everything seemed wonderful. I had emigrated so didn't attend her wedding.

Well as soon as they were married he immediately changed, was cruel and heartless and basically told her he only married to have legal citizenship (I'm trying to figure out when this was but she is about 62 so I believe before Polish citizens could freely come and work here). She was understandably devastated and got an annulment, which was easily granted as he had deceived everyone, including the priest.

Betrayal must be just about some of the worst emotional pain.