Is dh being unreasonable about lifts for dc?

[sternpair]

So we have twin dc who are both 20. They both go to university and are there most of the year, including a lot of vacation so they can prepare for the next term or complete assignments. DS admitted that he hates coming home because he feels trapped with nothing to do, and he can't take himself off to a cafe to work. Everything is so much effort, and all there is to do it to walk the dog. Whereas at university, he lived 3 minutes walk into the centre of the city.

We live in a tiny village in a rural area, but only about 20 minutes on a train into a city. The train station is 2 miles away (we live atop a mountain). There are no bus links.

They have passed their driving tests but we can't afford to buy them cars, nor can they.

So unless they walk and then train they are pretty much stuck and are like having school children about needing lifts here and there.

DH says it's not fair he has to spend his precious time off from work (he works 35 hrs a week!) to cart his grown up children about. He's sick of being dictated to by being asked for a lift somewhere and the cost of the petrol. He feels they're old enough to find their own way to dental appointments etc. DS looked into it, and total journey time to the dentists including walking, a train, then bus would be 2 hours.

I work abroad fairly often for 2/3 weeks a go.

I am of the opinion that we chose to live here so we owe them lifts.

If I were your DC, I would probably stay in my uni town too. What you describe must be very stifling for them.
Are taxis an option?

Sounds pretty grim for them. How did they cope as teenagers???

I’d help them with some lifts and maybe they could hire a car?

I think it depends whether you want your DC to keep coming back to your house for uni holidays. Because if it's boring and they can't get anywhere, then they are unlikely to want to.

If you want them home they need a lift.
It's no wonder they stay there.

I can see why they want to stay at uni, to be honest. They are young men and probably loving their new life.

They are adults but not fully formed. They still need you.

Taxis are a good suggestion, is Uber in your area yet?

Or can you add them as additional drivers on your insurance so they can drive themselves?

Don't they have bikes? 2 miles is nothing to cycle to the train station.

If they have passed their driving tests can’t you put them on your car insurance? Then at least they can drive themselves around?

Can you not get them insured on your/DHs car?

It's not reasonable to expect them to do 2 hour public transport slogs just to get out/go to the dentist etc.

I think they will just stop visiting soon. How sad :(

Your DH is being unreasonable. You sound pretty understanding, while you’re there could you do some of the lifts? Don’t let your husbands behaviour be the reason your sons stop coming home.

Regardless of relying on dad for lifts, I don’t think they want to come home by the sounds of it? They like their new lifestyle.

There’s 3 options I reckon:
Put them on your insurance
Give them lifts
Resign yourself to not seeing them much

As you say, it was not their choice to live where you live so I think expecting a bit of driving about is fine.

Your DH is the unreasonable one here.

I think the only solution would be to insure them on one of your cars. 2 hours, including a 2 mile walk just to get to the dentist is ridiculous but I do see where your DH is coming from with regard to spending his downtime running a taxi service.

How about a mix of walking, train, cycling, Taxi’s and lifts? That way it’s not too much on your husband. I wouldn’t be thrillled to act as someone’s chauffeur every day either

Two miles is nothing for him to drive them to the station at least. Your husband's attitude will lead to them just not coming home at all.

Can't they get mopeds or bicycles.

Of course they could go to the dentist in their uni city.

Presume you have 2 cars? If you’re away, unsure them on your car and they can use that?

I agree your husband is slightly unreasonable. He should be able to facilitate the children, if only a lift to the station. On the flip side your kids need to be considerate, as you aren't actually taxis.

I was the teen/young adult stuck out in the sticks - weekly bus, definitely no train - and had to rely on parents and friends with cars, til I passed my test and could afford my own car. My parents were great and I tried to keep my requests reasonable.

Why can't they go on your insurance and drive your cars? Make them contribute to petrol. They can be your driver to the pub

I’d never have gone home if my parents lived somewhere similar.

Lifts aren’t much fun but being marooned is isn’t much fun eithe

I accept you like living on a mountain but it sounds awful for your children.

How long have you lived there?

You've either got to put them on the insurance, find some way of buying a cheap-as-chips car for them to share, or just accept they will be spending very little time at home in the future. Poor lads. I don't understand why anyone would want to live somewhere that remote and inaccessible in the first place, but it's really a bit much to expect young people to keep coming back there and be marooned in their childhood bedrooms indefinitely.

We have a cheap car our daughters share when home from uni.We tax and insure it they work in the holiday to fund petrol is this possible

We live in the middle of nowhere and I feel how hard it is for the dcs to come home (dds 1 and 2 have graduated now) - dd 1 was at home for a good few months while job searching and it was painful for me let alone her to be away from friends, life, culture...

I hate country living by the way 90% of the time. Biggest regret of my life moving away from where stuff happens and I'm a grown up!

We make sure 2 cars are insured for when they are home (no biggie because slightly younger ds uses them sometimes) and will do pick ups and drop offs as required.

It goes with the postcode.