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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is dh being unreasonable about lifts for dc?

76 replies

sternpair · 18/04/2019 20:47

So we have twin dc who are both 20. They both go to university and are there most of the year, including a lot of vacation so they can prepare for the next term or complete assignments. DS admitted that he hates coming home because he feels trapped with nothing to do, and he can't take himself off to a cafe to work. Everything is so much effort, and all there is to do it to walk the dog. Whereas at university, he lived 3 minutes walk into the centre of the city.

We live in a tiny village in a rural area, but only about 20 minutes on a train into a city. The train station is 2 miles away (we live atop a mountain). There are no bus links.

They have passed their driving tests but we can't afford to buy them cars, nor can they.

So unless they walk and then train they are pretty much stuck and are like having school children about needing lifts here and there.

DH says it's not fair he has to spend his precious time off from work (he works 35 hrs a week!) to cart his grown up children about. He's sick of being dictated to by being asked for a lift somewhere and the cost of the petrol. He feels they're old enough to find their own way to dental appointments etc. DS looked into it, and total journey time to the dentists including walking, a train, then bus would be 2 hours.

I work abroad fairly often for 2/3 weeks a go.

I am of the opinion that we chose to live here so we owe them lifts.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 18/04/2019 22:25

Sounds like both sides are being a bit unreasonable. The 20 year olds are students out of term so if it takes them 2 hrs to get to a dentists appointment then so what - it's not like they are short of time.

I also wouldn't want to be giving lifts in the evenings when they come back as would have to stay up and not have a glass of wine.

If however DH is available and not doing anything himself, then a lift to the train station seems like a small kindness.

TheGrapefulDread · 18/04/2019 22:30

Can they not be insured on the family car or does your DH not want to be stranded where he helped choose the family home to be ? How do you get around - do you have a vehicle of your own that sits idle when you are off abroad ?

ooooohbetty · 18/04/2019 22:30

Taxis are a good suggestion, but local taxi companies not Uber ffs. I'd also suggest bikes. Your children not coming home wouldn't be the end of the world. My children rarely did because they worked whilst at uni. I visited them.

BeanBag7 · 18/04/2019 22:36

They wont want to visit if the only entertainment is walking the dog, so I think a solution needs to be found if you want them to keep visiting.

Buy a cheap old car or put them on your car insurance. Do either of them have PT jobs around uni? They should pay towards insurance if you put them on yours as it will probably put the premiums up.

mathanxiety · 18/04/2019 22:36

Your DH has quite a pole up his ass.

Also, and a complete tangent, your DCs need to get jobs so they can stay in the city during vacation time. They will find their job searches more fruitful if they have some experience and references no matter what career they intend to choose.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 18/04/2019 22:42

I think it's up to the adult children to sort out their own transport to some extent.

I think occasional lifts are fine as long as they aren't taking the piss. I lived in the countryside and transport was difficult. I had a bike.

I don't think it's fair to moan at someone not wanting to do someone else a favour - they are doing the favour - not you. What are your sons doing whilst everyone else is at work?

Do your sons pull their weight at home? I used to help out when I was back from Uni and my parents would mostly be pleased to give me lifts at night as long as it wasn't too often. My brother just played computer games all day and caused extra work. My parents were expected to facilitate all his transport as 'he didn't do buses'.

Butterfly84 · 18/04/2019 22:52

No wonder they don't come much if your DH begrudges a few lifts for his own children. You have a DH problem, not a travel one.

archivearmadillo · 18/04/2019 22:56

If they actually live on top of a mountain as op states bikes require quite some fitness level, especially after a night out...

I'm usually all for adult children being self sufficient, but the parents chose the rural location. The best way to be independent and self sufficient if you're on a budget and don't have a car is to get a job in a town or city well provided with public transport and is not to spend university holidays in a remote rural location without public transport links just because your parents live there.

It's up to the parents whether they want their 20 year old student offspring to visit occasionally for a long weekend or to treat their parental home as home rather than "home".

ratspeaker · 18/04/2019 22:57

If your DC find it so awful why don't they stay in their digs at uni? Or with friends.
You chose to live up a mountain, they have chosen to come home. So not all your responsibility.
They could have scheduled dental appointments in term time.

They are adults not kids.

Imagine if it was the OPs next door neighbour or friends asking for lifts everywhere you'd all be crying out as CF ery. Just because they're related doesn't mean OP or DH have to jump at every request.

I dont see why they can't walk or cycle. My sons cycle everwhere even though we have a bus network nearby.

Or if they want transport what about mopeds?

lljkk · 18/04/2019 23:08

It's rural! There will be no Uber, sheesh. Even getting a taxi will take lots of planning & expense, and impossible without many weeks notice at certain times (like Sunday mornings).

35 hrs/wk isn't very long hours compared 2 many.

I'd like to know how far away was the dentist office.

Makemeaname · 18/04/2019 23:11

Absolutely your sons aren't unreasonable. My parents aren't anywhere near as remote as yours (1.5 miles to a station that goes nowhere useful, or buses that go somewhere, and a smallish town), but I hate going home from uni because I felt so trapped. So I would avoid it unless there was something specific happening.

By all means, your husband can refuse to give them lifts (surely to the station if he can't be bothered driving them further), but don't be surprised if the visits home stop completely.

ineedaholidaynow · 18/04/2019 23:16

Have lots of posters missed the ‘we live up a mountain’? Not sure how compatible that is with bikes and possibly Uber.

PineapplePatty · 18/04/2019 23:21

I'm happy to ferry my DCs about when they are back from uni. It's only for a short amount of time and they'll have left home soon enough for good.

Purpleartichoke · 18/04/2019 23:22

I used to have this problem going home to visit my parents (and hopefully some
Friends too) I would be stuck in the middle of nowhere, no access to public transit, and them not wanting to loan me the car. Our town had one taxi. It only ran for prescheduled daytime trips for the elderly or disabled. My friends understandably got tired of playing chauffeur. I avoided coming for visits until I was old enough to rent a car. I’m not even that social, but a week in my parents house unable to go anywhere was too much.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/04/2019 23:27

Have lots of posters missed the ‘we live up a mountain’? Not sure how compatible that is with bikes and possibly Uber.

If Heidi could Clara's wheelchair up a mountain I reckon 2 healthy 20 year olds could manage a bike Grin

crimsonlake · 18/04/2019 23:30

Basically it comes down to how much you want to see them and want them home? I have 2 son's at uni and am now a single parent, I had to move and sell the family home following divorce. I had to buy a new house half an hour away from where we lived in order to make sure they always had a room and a home with me. Neither have their own car so to ensure they visit in the holidays I am prepared to be the taxi driver if they want to go and visit their friends.

fargo123 · 18/04/2019 23:37

Your husband is totally unreasonable.

NewAccount270219 · 18/04/2019 23:38

Imagine if it was the OPs next door neighbour or friends asking for lifts everywhere you'd all be crying out as CF ery. Just because they're related doesn't mean OP or DH have to jump at every request.

This might come as a shock to you but most people are a bit keener on their children, and a bit more willing to do them a favour, than they are their next door neighbour 🙄

I also grew up rurally and my parents also took the 'we chose to live here so we give a lot of lifts' attitude, and I'm so glad they did. We also both learned to drive as quickly as we possibly could and were put on parents' insurance to make it less necessary - though my dad, who is an angel, still drove us around lots even in university holidays etc because 'oh, you want to be able to have a drink, love'.

Tbh I wouldn't want to give my own children all those lifts - so I wouldn't move the middle of nowhere.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2019 01:30

You could ask your H if it is his preference that DC are stuck in the house all the time or that they just don't come home at all?

Mrskeats · 19/04/2019 01:48

Uber. Up a mountain. Great suggestion Confused
You chose the house not your kids. If you are very rural then help them out. Some parents on here make me wonder why they had kids if it’s all such a chore.

llewellyn25 · 19/04/2019 04:03

I totally agree with you, I think you should definitely still be giving you children lifts if you still want them to visit you.

JenniferJareau · 19/04/2019 04:10

Why can't you put them on your insurance and they drive themselves?

Teddybear45 · 19/04/2019 04:14

2 miles is nothing. The problem isn’t that they don’t have lifts. The problem is probably that your DH’s attitude is a symptom of wider problems be probably creates in the house. Have a good long look at your home life OP.

PregnantSea · 19/04/2019 04:31

My set up was similar when I was in my later teens living with my parents. Took me an hour to walk to the train station, and then 45 mins on the train to get to the city, plus travel time from there to wherever you needed to be. There was only one train an hour (even less at weekends)and they stopped very early. There were no alternative transport routes if you missed the train. If you were late you were just fucked, basically.

I just got on with it. Managed to find a summer job that was within the local area, so I had to walk an hour through country lanes to get there, and on my days off I walked to the train station and went to meet friends. Tried to stay over with other people as much as I could, and occasionally forked out an extortionate amount for a taxi. I hardly ever asked for lifts because I knew the answer would be no.

So, it can be done, and I guess I can see where your DH is coming from. But just to give you the DC's perspective - I hated it. It made me loathe going back to stay with parents for uni holidays so much that in the end I rushed into moving out of student accommodation and in with a boyfriend who was an absolute horrible twat BUT he was older than me and had a bedsit in the city where I went to uni, so it meant I no longer had to go "home" for the holidays. I was miserable living with him, but at the time it felt a bit less miserable than having to go back to being trapped at my parent's house for weeks on end. At least I could keep my job and go out and do things easily. I felt more connected there.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 20/04/2019 09:32

Similar here.

I drop my DS places when I can, or he sorts things out himself when I can't.

I do ask that he plans things as much as possible which is sometimes hard for him and his spontaneous lifestyle but that's the compromise.

I contribute towards fuel costs when his mates with cars have gone out of their way to collect/drop him.