Is dh being unreasonable about lifts for dc?

[sternpair]

So we have twin dc who are both 20. They both go to university and are there most of the year, including a lot of vacation so they can prepare for the next term or complete assignments. DS admitted that he hates coming home because he feels trapped with nothing to do, and he can't take himself off to a cafe to work. Everything is so much effort, and all there is to do it to walk the dog. Whereas at university, he lived 3 minutes walk into the centre of the city.

We live in a tiny village in a rural area, but only about 20 minutes on a train into a city. The train station is 2 miles away (we live atop a mountain). There are no bus links.

They have passed their driving tests but we can't afford to buy them cars, nor can they.

So unless they walk and then train they are pretty much stuck and are like having school children about needing lifts here and there.

DH says it's not fair he has to spend his precious time off from work (he works 35 hrs a week!) to cart his grown up children about. He's sick of being dictated to by being asked for a lift somewhere and the cost of the petrol. He feels they're old enough to find their own way to dental appointments etc. DS looked into it, and total journey time to the dentists including walking, a train, then bus would be 2 hours.

I work abroad fairly often for 2/3 weeks a go.

I am of the opinion that we chose to live here so we owe them lifts.

Yes he is being U. They didn't choose to live rurally without transport, did they?

I am of the opinion that we chose to live here so we owe them lifts.”

We live rurally too. And I absolutely agree with this.

Why do they come home?

When i went to uni, i went for the whole time, i never came home during holidays, mainly cause i had a part time job and needed to work.

Once i moved out i could never move back home

I grew up in a village with a few buses per day, and only returned to my parents to visit for a few days each university holiday. I stayed in my university town year round to work during the holidays even though I really only broke even by doing so as I lived in halls 2 years out of 3 so wouldn't have had to pay rent through the summers if I'd moved out and gone "home".

I moved abroad, then to London, after university. I haven't spent more than a week at a stretch at my parents since I left a few weeks after my 18th birthday.

I'd say you're fairly lucky they come "home" at all with your "d"he's attitude - it'd be fair easier and more convenient not to.

I lived rurally as a teen and never in a million years would my mum ever give me a lift. It annoyed me then, I'm even more nonplussed now I have my own children.

Your dh is being selfish.

I would imagine the reason they have to come home over the holidays is that they can't afford to stay in at uni particularly during the summer.

I grew up very rurally and my parents still live there. It’s no surprise that my sister and I both live city-centre. I love to visit them but I wouldn’t choose to live there or to have my family there.

My parents were very generous with lifts when we were young, then when we were students they always had two cars and we could borrow one.

I'd second the putting them on the insurance and I feel for them, we moved out to the town recently and I feel like we've got our lives back

35 h? Oh dear oh dear poor thing! I wouldn't come home to such a welcoming father if I were your kids

My parents lived more rurally than that (10 miles to train station, 4 to somewhere with a one hourly bus). Ultimately I saved up and bought a car at the end of my first year at uni (£1100 job, did me nicely for a good few years), because it was just hopeless otherwise...

Until then I managed with a cobbled together mixture of biking to the bus stop, and then lifts with parents either on their way too/from work or in the evenings, and cadging lifts off friends. I'd also do a tour of Britain visiting all my friends for a few days at a time through the summer holidays.

Yes, poor diddums, 35 hours a week! He must be exhausted.

Don't they have bikes? 2 miles is nothing to cycle to the train station.

Exactly.

It's unfair to expect your DH to provide a constant taxi service when they're 20. They're not children anymore. I'm surprised at how many posters think 20 year olds should be ferried around still by their parents. Isn't part of the reason for going to university to gain independence?

Perhaps my view is clouded by my own growing up experience rurally. From age 16, I walked / cycled / took public transport. It was a 3 mile walk across country (longer by road, hence the country 'shortcut') from where I did my A levels. It seemed quite normal as the other village kids did the same. I can't remember anyone getting lifts from parents.

I'm sorry but your kids sound a bit spoiled to me. Can't sit in a cafe to work? Oh diddums. As for things like the dentist, why don't they arrange these appointments during term time when they're closer to the dentist etc? Just needs a little thought and some planning. Maybe if they put some effort in, your DH will be more willing to offer occasional lifts.

2 miles is nothing to walk to get to social events in the very few weeks of holidays. Tell them to go to the dentist at uni! It’s not exactly a long time or hard 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was in your DC's situation and had limited and often resentful lifts. It was awful. I too found ways to not go home whenever I could.

I look back now and think my parents were selfish arseholes. No way I would see my children in that position.

I never wanted them to resent living where we do and lifts are the price we pay for choosing to live rurally. As soon as they were 17 our DC learned to drive and were insured on my car. DS currently home from uni and has free use of my car.
Your DH is going to drive them away.

Oh god OP- I grew up like this. My parents had some sort of ‘good life’ fantasy and moved us (when I was 6) to a tiny farming village in the arse end of nowhere!

It was very pretty and rather idyllic but the closest city was 1 hours drive away and the closest train station was 15-20 minutes drive away. We have a bus, that came roughly every 2 hours or so (and only when it felt like it 🙄)! Because it went around the villages picking up, it took 2 hours to get to the city and I was horrifically travel sick!

My parents spent all their money on this farmhouse and then complained ENDLESSLY about my demanding lifts as a teenager (13-18). All I ever heard was how they couldn’t afford to be driving me around and I should ‘get a job’!

It came to a head at 17 when I sat them down and asked how exactly they expected me to ‘get a job’ when I couldn’t get to the city? And how they expected me to get myself around with no reliable transport links? And how they expected me to afford a car, when they couldn’t even afford to give me a lift to an interview?

I moved out at 18 and never went back. 🤔 I’m in my mid twenties now and still don’t understand their logic. They tied my hands behind my back logistically and then chastised me for not being able to swim!!!

I feel very sorry for your DS and as parents I would exercise severe caution. I haven’t seen my dad in months and have no intention to, his attitude toward me being an ‘inconvenience’ drove a real wedge between us.

My kids are 23, 21 and 18 and we love half an hours drive from the nearest small town and a 10 mins walk from a train station with 4 trains a day. It was our choice to move here and with the last train getting here at 6.30pm I do lots of driving them around as none of them have been able to get their hours up to get their licences.

We knew this would be the case when we moved here but we make it work. Luckily the trains work most of the time (school times are covered as are working in the city/ going to Uni an hour away. The kids are really good and coordinate with each other so I’m only driving to/from town twice a week to collect them.

Your husband really needs to either get the kids on his car insurance, get them to coordinate trips into town or accept they won’t come home in the holidays.

I think it depends on the attitude of your DC to getting lifts. When your DH says he doesn’t like being dictated to by having to give lifts, is he exaggerating, or do DC expect for lifts whenever they ask, at the last minute and aren’t grateful? Or are they reasonable, and accept that sometimes they can’t be driven somewhere at a specific time?

It does come with the territory if you (as the parents) choose to live remotely from any facilities.
Your dh needs to decide if he actually wants your dc to be part of you family and live at home again.

We just put the kids on my car insurance and they got around in my car. OH car was there for emergencies in the evening. I would not want to as a teenager be stuck where we as their parents chose to live. It was our preferred lifestyle not one they had chosen.

Why can’t you drive them?

How many hours a week do you work OP?

Laughing at the PP who asked ‘is Über in your area.?’. We used to live rurally, a taxi had to be booked up to a week in advance & it was frequently impossible to book one for an evening later than 8pm. Even now living in a small town you can rarely get a midweek taxi after 10pm.

One of the main reason we moved away from village life was to make life easier for our DS as he grew up, I think if you choose to live somewhere rurally then it is reasonable to give your adult children lifts where possible; regardless of where you live isn’t being kind just part of family life? Assuming no one is taking advantage.

"Is dh being unreasonable about lifts for dc?"
Yes. Yes he is.

Is it his intention to make sure that your DC choose to live anywhere, anyhow, rather than to come back 'home'?

I grew up in the countryside and failed to pass my driving test until the fourth attempt. Daytime things were usually cycling, evening things were occasionally cycling (my mother wasn't so keen on that, because of the lack of street lights,) lifts from parents, lifts from friends and very occasionally taxis.

2 miles is hardly any distance to cycle, and it's not a problem to walk in weather like today, though that does depend a bit on whether there are pavements / good verges.