IABU but help me see it- ILs

[IABUQueen]

Hi all,

My dilemma is that I began my relationship with my in laws on a very naive note. I took their backhanded compliments as I’m just sensitive.. believed their love bombing. Thought I can earn their trust one day and they will back away from questioning everything I do...

I tried to make them like me and my family, who they said crap about... I invited them to my mums house. Introduced my sil to my cousin..

Now my mum and MIL was encouraged by me to get close. They knew each other before but Weren’t close. My cousin and SIL became friends as I used to take them out together (SIL was young at the time). Me my cousin were like sisters.

It took me a while to get out of the fog and realise what was happening. That I was being controlled and that they were branching into my personal life to dig out ammunition for their narcissistic behaviour.. good two or three years in and I went no contact to limited contact.

Bare in mind the relationship between my in laws and my own family was mainly through me. They did used to send forwards or so but not close enough for conversations and meet ups unless I initiate it.

So when I went low contact, still see them on occasions every month or so and I call them. But I keep personal space... my mil and sil started initiating deeper contact with my cousin (she is an 19 yo) and love bombing her... and my mother, who is a very naive woman...

I have told my mother what I’ve been through.. and my cousin. As well as my cousins mother.. but it seems they chose to believe it being difficult because mil is being very generous with her love to them..

I know I can’t really control my families relationship with whoever they wish... but is it unreasonable to feel they don’t really care about me enough? And is it unreasonable for me to be weirded out by the sudden wanting one-on-one with my cousin and over investment, seeing it as a way to control me?

In the past they had used said cousin to humiliate me, i informed her. They told me things like how they think my husband fancies her (utter bollocks) and they really tried to get between us.. so now I’m having to cut contact with my cousin because I feel they’re doing the same about me to her.. I love her and I’m very hurt .

I think I’m being unreasonable but I need some help seeing it from the other point of view. Because I feel like the very people I needed support from are now taken away from me and they don’t realise how they’re affecting me.

*believe I’m being difficult and that it’s not to do with me if they want to stay friends

Bump

I really don't understand this dynamic at all. Why where you so desperate to encourage relationships between them all in the first place? I've never known anyone to do that, you don't all have to be best friends. Nothing you can do about your in-laws having contact with your cousin now ....again that's something I just find a bit off. But that's just me. Just leave it, stay out of the gossip and stay low contact.

Why do you think you are being unreasonable?

Socks.. I really was naive and young and stupid. Regret it and realise looking back how desperate that was..

They just expected to meet everyone in my life.. even my uni friends when I wanted to go out with one mother in law would suggest I take siL.. And polish it with “your such an inspiration to my daughters” blah blah...

Turns out that was just said to my face and the venom came out later in life...

It was totally my fault. My ego got the better of me and I was encouraged to get them close to my personal circle of friend and family.. only to then realise that they used it all to tarnish my reputation.. “an apple doesnt fall far from a tree.. her mum is this, her aunt is that”.

Bertnard, I think I’m unreasonable to expect them to not be going out of their way to contact each other if not initiated by me because even though that’s how it was, I feel I don’t have control over it.. but I don’t think I’m unreasonable to feel so hurt. Unless someone can enlighten me.

I have told mum and cousin that I believe they’re being used to hurt me and further gain access to my private space. They just don’t see it because they’re being love bombed.

Firstly, your idea of little to no contact doesn't sound anything like little to no contact. That sounds like a lot of contact.

Secondly, you don't mention your husband. Is he low contact too? What does he think of them?

Thirdly, it's hard to determine if YABU because you don't actually make it clear what they have done in the past.

I would honestly just leave it and try to forget about it. We've all given people to much information and then regretted it. It's a lesson we all learn. If they are as bad as you say your cousin will soon realise and stop contacting them.

But it almost seems like my cousin and SIL bonded more AFTER I wanted to go low contact. Mainly because SIL and MIL became hugely invested to reach me through my cousin..

My cousin now hides from me the fact that she is meeting up with SIL. They never used to meet before it wasn’t that deep. Was just like three outings in three years I took them together .

I understand that she is enjoying her company. I feel I should step away. But just really feeling trash as I feel I know the motive of SIL and MIL and it’s crap my cousin falling for it.

But I feel in all honesty I love my cousin and if it was her going through this I would’ve actually stepped away since that relationship wasn’t really a significant one in her life except for the few outings.

Too cryptic; can’t form a view on the basis of what you posted.

What exactly have they done, why are you low contact, what’s the current dynamics, and what do you think YABU about?

Queen honestly it will burn it self out.

And if Sil and cousin genuinely get on - leave them to it.

I would cut contact with my own family for this. They're being misled and haven't worked it out yet.
I'd stay in touch but not share my life with them and make it clear you don't want to discuss the in-laws.

Dammit. Wouldn't cut contact

honestly it will burn it self out

Thanks. But what do you mean by that?

I’ll leave them to it but I feel like I can’t get close to my cousin as I feel a bit hurt.

Can’t go into much details. But my iLs ostracised me and refused to see my newborn or acknowledge him. They forced my DH during labour to pick a side. Their entire family ostracised me because in their view I’m manipulating DH because I insisted on something fundementally normal in any relationship.

My DH was really affected.. I wasn’t confrontations at all I just kept my distance and that’s what they considered rude.. they were used to being in and out of my house daily.. it became twice a month at my convenience. However they refused until I went to them humiliated myself and gave in to their ways..

Until my son was 1 year old mil was saying she doesn’t love him as a grandchild..

DH isn’t low contact, he calls them often and so on. But doesn’t see them as often as they would like but that’s not because of me. It’s becsuse they have too much expectations.

I don't really understand what you are asking?

Wood they sort of do know as both my cousin and my mum were with me after I gave birth and they saw me crying because MIL and SIL were telling their son they don’t care about baby and don’t want to see it..

My mum has previously and foolishly confided in mil about a private family dispute. As my mil offered herself as an expert...

She used what my mum told her to humiliate me and drive a wedge between me and my DH. Making out my mum was a money digger so on...

She continues to dig out info from my mum about the topic. Mum just wants to give her the benefit of the doubt because she has extremely low self esteem and even though she doesn’t want to share info but she is an antisocial person and doesn’t know how to get out of such pressure.. she freaks out about meeting MIL but can’t say no and can’t stop trying to please her out of insecurity.

It all sounds exhausting. Do you normally overanalyse relationships like this? What was the "normal" thing you fell out over? In the end it seems you are the one isolated and without support.

Honestly? You sound like hard work. And it sounds as if there is a lot more going on here from your side that you’re not posting here in order to make yourself look like the victim.

So, your mil is manipulative, but everyone else thinks that she’s lovely, except you who can see her for the manipulator she is.

And having introduced her to your family on a couple of occasions, she and your SIL have made it their business to form close friendships with them, including the cousin you claim to be close to, purely to get at you?

Come on. If anything you sound incredibly paranoid and I’d be wondering whether the reason your MIL doesn’t like you is because she’s worried about her DH. I would be.

Wirried about your* dh

Come on. If anything you sound incredibly paranoid and I’d be wondering whether the reason your MIL doesn’t like you is because she’s worried about her DH. I would be.

Ok I think that’s harsh.

But oh well, thanks stranger who thinks you should ostracise your own son with your grandchild because you are worried about them

To be fair I don’t think I’m expecting anyone to take a side between me and my in laws here...

It was just the principle that I guess I’m at a stage where I want to keep some personal distance because of some history that I learnt from.. things are civil now but that’s because I created distance, we were too much into each other’s lives..

Is it impossible to request from my family to not be over involved with my in laws for my sake ? Is it too late to do that? Especially my mum. Like being polite and civil that’s fine but confiding anencephaly airing dirty laundry (very one sided)... I just wish they would limit that?

My DH and I both believe distance saved our marriage..

OP you are really not giving enough factual information. All your statements are expressions of emotion/judgement, not a factual recounting of how you ended up in the current situation. Statements about something ‘normal’, ‘private family dispute’, ‘driving a wedge’, ‘humiliated myself’ etc - you are asking us to jump to the conclusion that MIL and SIL are manipulative, but really we have no basis to form that view.

but confiding anencephaly

You told who about anencephaly? Is those connected to the birth story above?

Baffled, bamboozled and befuddled. In one sentence you need to say what your in laws have done.

Fair point Boris. I guess I just don’t want to be giving the full details of the outing story.

I guess I’m being unreasonable to in principle expect my family to make things comfortable for me by allowing some distance.. and not giving out too much personal info.. unless they have formed an opinion on whose side to take ?

My mums and cousins opinion is that they’re in the wrong, but that it has nothing to do with their relationship with them.. and that we should sort it between us.. and keep the peace